Home of the Hoskins

The open door

2012-01-27T14:08:00.000-08:00

I bet you didn't know an open door could be the scariest sight in your life....but today it was for me.

It's funny that just yesterday I pointed out to my wonderful Husband, Adam, that if he didn't say goodbye to me in the morning, what if THAT were the day something happened to him and I didn't get that last chance to tell him I loved him?! (all this because I'm usually snoozzzzzzing when he leaves early in the morning) I'm always saying things like this, "what if THIS is the day something does happen?" That's why I (somewhat obsessively) remind my family I love them at every opportunity, never leave my car running if I'm not sitting in the driver seat, and always....always....ALWAYS make sure the doors in my house are locked. (or as today would prove...not always)

With a houseful of children, it is inevitable that someone is doing something they shouldn't while I'm not watching. This I am very aware of. I like that when I am in the kitchen the children all like to hang around the counter to watch what I'm doing and talk, however, it's a different story when...nature calls. Ahem. However, because that is an opportunity for a little peace and quiet I do enjoy the break even if it's just to use the facilities for a minute or two.

Today, during one of my rare potty breaks from motherhood, I heard the most dreaded phrase as Maggie walked out of the classroom. "Hey...the front door is open." Now, she didn't yell it, or scream it, or say it with fear, but thankfully I have excellent hearing and heard it down the hall through two closed doors (the master bedroom door and bathroom door) and I FELT the fear in that moment. I've never left a bathroom so fast in my life. I KNEW that my two little babies were the only ones wandering around at that time, I had seen them playing with toys in the hallway happily which is why I allowed myself a moment's peace in the bathroom, the older girls were doing school work in our classroom and Katie was upstairs watching a movie. The only ones who could have opened that door were 1 year old's Catcher and Darla. I came running down the hall toward the open front door pushing the older two girls aside without even looking to see if the babies were still in the house. In the milisecond it took me to run out to the front yard I wondered everything....EVERYTHING. What if they've gone different directions? What if they've been snatched by a stranger? What if they've been hit by a car? What if I can't find them?!!!!! All of this went through my mind as I ran out the door, but I never even stopped running, I saw them FOUR HOUSES DOWN THE STREET!! They were on the same side of the street at least. I ran so fast it was like an out of body experience wondering how on earth my body could possibly move through space so fast.

They stopped when they saw me running toward them, I feared they'd think it was a game and run away from me, thankfully they didn't. I scooped them up and carried them both together back to my still open front door. The weight of both of them together is over 40 pounds and the weight of them compounding the insanely fast sprint past four houses took it's toll a moment after safely arriving home. I shut, locked and latched the front door, and nearly collapsed on the floor. They both kept hugging me as the other kids stood in stunned silence. It was quite sometime before I got up.

Last night I had not checked that the door was latched when I went to bed. (and I always do)
This morning I did not check that the door was latched when I got the babies up, in case Adam might have gone out that way this morning, though he usually goes out through the garage (again I always check for that too)

Somehow, on the ONE day I was not careful to check for the door to be latched is the ONE day my babies decide to open it and venture out. I suppose I would never know if they'd tried this before, being that I always lock it.

I tell you this story not so that you can tell me what a horrible parent I am (although I'm certainly telling myself that right now) but so that you might learn that it truly is the one day you step away from the safeties in your life that terrible things can happen. I know that my babies wandering a few houses away might not seem terrible....but it so easily could have ended differently. So please, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, because one day (tomorrow or 20 years from now) you won't have chances to and you don't want to regret that, and don't think that just because your child has never tried to do something, doesn't mean you should let your gaurd down assuming they never will.

I am writing this blog as the babies are napping, I may have to start wearing adult diapers just to keep my eye on them every second :) (for those of you who say let your child come in the bathroom with you, I would totally agree, if there weren't two of them...it's a whole different ball game...and ball games while going to the bathroom is exactly why I can't bring them in with me :)

Hack....

2011-11-14T22:07:00.001-08:00

Ok for anyone who hasn't figured it out, the last few posts were becasue my email got hacked. My email account had a contact for direct posting to my blog. If you're wondering why it took me so long to take care of, it was some serious drama with Yahoo and AT&T. I had a very old email account with "sbcglobal.net" at the end. It was created way back when I had AT&T and joined it with my yahoo account. So when I needed to log on and change my password, it had locked me out because of the obvious spam mail my account was sending out. So I couldn't just log in and take care of it. I tried to reset my password but everytime I did it kept telling me I had to it through AT&T because it wasn't just a yahoo account. But AT&T kept telling me I didn't have an account with them and they couldn't help me. It was eternally frustrating and I had to make several phone calls to different deparments at AT&T, i'm quite sure I talked to at least three representatives in India, before finally ending up with someone in Kentucky, who besides speaking worse English than the people in India, was at least able to reset my password. Password was reset and then changed by me to the most secure kind of password possible (according to several websites) and all the emails were deleted. Here are a few things I have learned that may help anyone who's been hacked especially if they have a yahoo/att account

>If you have a junk mail account, (which is basically what this account was, it used to be my main account but I switched to a new one and left this one dormant) DELETE ALL OF YOUR CONTACTS. I didn't even think of this until my father suggested it to me but if I'm not going to be using that email there isn't any need for the contacts, that's where the hacking problem comes in. Hackers look for dormant email accounts that aren't used but still have contacts for them to forward spam and viruses.

>A secure password! I thought my previous password was secure, it was 8 letters, plus two numbers and a symbol, which used to be considered secure. According to my research a more secure password consists of both capital and NON capital letters, with numbers and or symbols intermixed with the letters.

>If you have an old sbcglobal account and have this problem here is the direct phone number to fix it: 1-800-579-7861

Sorry for anyone who got those spam emails my account was sending out, Like I said, I've got it taken care of, it won't be coming from my email again, and to all the hackers out there....WHY??! Seriously, why?

Maggie's letter to the Tooth Fairy.

2011-09-28T23:25:00.000-07:00

Maggie lost a tooth today! It's been lose for sometime and today at dinner she was saying it was soooo loose, I keep telling her to just grab it and pull it out, and at dinner she did! Her look of surprise upon seeing it out of her mouth was just perfect! Huge wide eyes and a giant smile, so adorable! She put her tooth under her pillow with a note to the tooth fairy,

Dear Tooth Fairy,
I want to keep my tooth to show my daddy. But can I still get money?
Love, Maggie

LOL isn't that so sweet?! She folded the note up and put it in the baggie with the tooth, hoping that in the morning the tooth will still be there...AND the money too! We'll have to wait and see....

It's about time for an update!

2011-09-28T22:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a while...blame it on my phone. I love my phone, I much prefer to facebook through my phone, however I hate to type on my phone, or any phone for that matter. I can't use my awesome touch typing skills on a small key pad. I prefer a full key pad for larger texts, such as blogs. Since using my phone for facebook I have neglected blogging as I am simply not on the Desk Top computer as much. Because as Elaine pointed out to me this week, I don't just have a phone, I get email on it, so that makes it a computer also....point taken.

So why am I finally subjugating myself to the uncomfortable chair in front of the computer to update my blog??? Because the Husband Man is gone, for a whole month, I know he checks the blog and it's a nice way to update him on how everything is. We talk to him on the phone daily, but that is mostly occupied by the children all trying to talk at once and me rushing off the phone to stop a baby from doing something dangerous, or breaking up a fight amongst the older girls. This is simply an easier way to keep The Husband Man apprised of life at home while he is away.

I think i spent more time worrying about how his time away would feel, than was necessary. I think the cause of that is the fact that we had a weeks vacation right before he left, we had a week to adjust to his 24/7 presence, it was wonderful. He let me sleep in, he put kids to bed, he cuddled babies while I cleaned (one of my greatest joys...cleaning without kids underfoot :) And the idea of going from one extreme of him around 24/7 to another of him being GONE for over a month, was a little scary. I was so enjoying the help that I'd forgotten how really well things can go on a daily basis. If he weren't gone to Texas (for K-9 training) he'd be working nights, I'd still be doing mornings with the kids (while he sleeps) and all day and then bedtime (when he's off at work) so it would have been similar but I would have gotten to see him a few hours in the middle of the day, AND I would have gotten three days off a week. That's going to be the kicker I think. Right now it is day two of his absence, almost day 3 by this hour, and so far it really isn't bad. It helps I have amazing friends, like Rachel Haskin who is always willing to watch my 5 kids, along with her 6 at a moments notice. How wonderful is that??? But so far, it's mostly life as normal, except cleaner, because instead of spending time with The Husband Man after the kids go to bed, I clean instead, to fill the void of time between their sleep and mine. Cleaning is so relaxing to me, when Adam is gone I simply CAN NOT sleep if the house isn't clean, it gives me a sense of peace. This is why I didn't sit down to blog until 11:00 at night, I was cleaning.

I know that it will probably get harder as time goes on without my usual days off, but I've found in life that even if you think things will get hard and you won't be able to mangage, you always do, because you have to. When we found out about Darla, the idea of a fifth child, especially while my fourth was only 6 months old, scared the heck out of both of us. It seemed impossible! But once she was here, it worked, because it had to. I think this time will feel the same way, it will work because there isn't any other option, i won't have three days off a week, and so I will keep working (yes mothering is work :)

I bought myself comfort food before Adam left, thinking I might need it, and wanting to have it onhand such the need arise. Strangely enough since Adam has been gone I have craved health food! I had gotten back into a few old habits of eating out (still don't touch french fries and much smaller portions, but fast food is still fast food!) for a little while, but for some reason it's like I flipped a switch. Maybe the junk food was because I was feeling lazy and that food fit laziness, but now there is not a moment in the day where it is possible to be lazy, so eating that way simply does not appeal to me. It proves to me that my earlier idea of cleaning when I felt the urge for junk food may have had some merit. It is laziness that leads to binging, business leads to actual thought of healthy food, not mindless eating. LIGHT BULB! I have maintained my lost weight surprisingly well considering my eating hasn't been the best, but I feel much better about my ability to maintain with this knowledge in mind. In all honesty I have gained back about 5-6 pounds, which is frustrating however it is where I was pre-reduction surgery, and my newer clothes still fit fine, so again, not too bad, considering the bulk of my weight was lost over six months ago. I still have about 10 pounds to go to feel a little more content, but somehow that last ten just doesn't want to go anywhere, maybe this month of healthier eating will help me step it up and finish what I started.

At first the thought of a whole month seemed so long, actually it's 34 days, the older girls helped me count the days (Daddy should be returning around Halloween) and we made a paper chain to count the days of Daddy's absence. I had two main things planned for the whole month, one weekend I'll be watching the Haskin kids fora few days (11 kids= fun and messes, but mostly fun :), and trying to plan a few activities to keep the kidlets entertained during that time. Then there is a wedding on the 22nd in Utah that I was planning to attend. I bought plane tickets, the kiss of death to all travel plans: reservations. My prearranged sitter for this trip had to cancel and i still haven't figured out what I'm going to do about the kids. But alas, two major events for the entire month, left a lot of time in between. However I've since had several offers for roadtrips to visit people, SEVERAL! I'm now trying to figure out where to fit everything in and this month suddenly feels a lot shorter! Factor in the addition of rehearsals for Elaine for Central West Ballet's Nutcracker, and my schedule got even crazier! I think I may not have a moment to stop this whole month, and that's a good thing, because it's those quiet moments where I miss my Husband Man the most. As of day two I am happy to report "All's well on the home front." We Miss you :)

Cell Phone Saga

2011-08-07T20:18:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but sometimes there is just that one thing which by itself wouldn't have been a big deal, yet added on top of other things just really pushes one over the edge....enter the story of the cell phone.

I got new cell phone service with Verizon around six months ago, got a brand new smart phone, LG Vortex. LOVED IT! Service had been great, phone too, until all the sudden about a month ago it started to go a bit haywire, turning off and on several hundred times a day (no exaggeration) it would freeze up and no buttons would work, the thing was just crazy! It would let me answer some calls, but not retrieve voicemails. So I took it back to the place where I bought it, they check it all out, did a factory reset, which they had to do twice because it froze up during the first attempt. Even then it continued to do the same thing, turn itself off and on again and freeze up, sometimes it would delete all my contacts and sometimes it would bring them back, but not all of them. The store was very confused by it's strange behavoir. "Never seen anything like this," they tell me.."In most cases people bring their phone in claiming it's doing something wrong but by the time they get here it's working fine....this kind of behavoir for a phone is just downright unheard of."

So they call customer service tell them the whole deal and since it's still under warranty they say they'll send me out a "new" one. "How do you want to pay for the shipping?" the $30 shipping???? Are they crazy? It's their phone that went haywire, not something I did to it, and now I have to pay shipping to get the replacement when it's under warranty??? "Oh well if you don't want to pay then we can send it standard mail and it will get there in around 5 days." Fine, to avoid the shipping fee, I'll wait.
And Wait.
And Wait some more.

TWO WEEKS LATER!!! The stinking phone arrives, big box with just the shell of a phone, no battery and no back cover, supposed to take those from the old phone and put them in the new one, it's a "refurbished" phone. Fine, ok, whatever, if it works I don't care! So I put in the old batter and the old back cover, recover my contacts and photos from the old phone and it's working fine. I send back the old phone (or they'll charge me $500 for keeping it, despite it's being dead and all) And I begin enjoying my new phone, of course redownloading apps, but much less than I had before, trying to keep it simple.

One week later:
I was using my phone to play a game, a game I play often as a stress releiver (air traffic controller...somehow it's totally a relief landing those planes safely LOL) But it's getting late so I take the phone, checking it's battery power to see if it needs a charge, half full battery, should be fine. I head upstairs. I set the phone next to my bed on the table, where I always do, I lay down to sleep and I feel restless. I decided to check to see if it was my turn in "Words With Friends" and when I pick up the phone it is off...that's strange, i know I didn't turn it off. So I push the power button, nothing. I remove the battery and replace it and try again, still nothing. That's very strange considering how much batter i KNEW it had. But I plug it in anyway, hoping it will feel more cooperative in the morning.

This morning, nope, still a dead phone. After church I took it into the wireless store again, they try all they can to power on the darn little thing and still...nothing. Not even sound, at least that would mean the screen was the broken part and that would be something, but nope, nothing. Dead phone. "I've never seen anything like this, for a phone to just be....dead." Seriously? SERIOUSLY???? Again?! So my last phone went crazy and this one went dead...AFTER A WEEK!!! I cannot believe this. So here we go with customer service again, but this time I talk to them instead of the clerk, i tell them the WHOLE story, and they say "I know how you feel ma'am" No you don't..your phone works! "We'll get you a new phone right away?" What in another two weeks...cause NO WAY I'm paying shipping! "Oh no it should be there within five days...." I've heard this line before. I ask, 'are you sending me a refurbished phone??'....silence on the other end. "Uh well, that is usually what we do...but..." 'BUT YOU BETTER SEND ME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T GOING TO DIE ON ME!!' (No I didn't shout, the caps are for you to feel the intense frustration I was feeling at the time.) "I'll put a note in here for them to send you a newer one." 'Newer' what is that supposed to mean? I think I was emitting steam from my hot head by this time.

The cell phone was the straw, and I am the camel, and my back has just broken. I am beyond words for frustration (although this is my greatest attempt to put words to the said frustration) and I'm trying to figure out why the stupid cell phone saga is making me so mad, I mean honestly it's not living without a cell phone, as frustrating as that is I really don't think I use it all that much (except for words with friends of course) I think it's just the feeling like I've been let down by the 'customer service' twice now. That to me is the biggest flaw in Verizon, i mean yes the people speak english and they get big props for that, but the fact that all they can do is take two weeks to send me a phone that then only lasts a week before I'm forced to go through all of this again...it's just insane! All I know is I feel like crying, over my stupid dead phone drama, I never thought I would have missed my phone that went insane, but at least it worked...once in a while, all I can do now is stare at the blank screen of a device that has let me down. It is very frustrating, I already have missed voicemails, but they didn't leave a number because it would have shown up on caller Id or at least been in my phone book, so to anyone who is or has tried to call me, I won't be calling you back anytime soon, maybe in five days....yeah right.

My hearing is fine, it's my listening that needs work!

2011-07-27T00:52:00.001-07:00

This post was just about to be an ad for a lost dog.

Kolohe, our older dog (not to be confused with Scooter, our boxer puppy) was missing when we got home late from the temple tonight. Kolohe does not like to be outside at dark, she sleeps indoors and starts to get anxious if she can't come in once she knows the kids have gone to bed. (don't ask me how she knows when that is, but inevitably she is whining at the door minutes after they've gone to bed) So apparently when we didn't get home until 11:30, she got so upset she tore her way through our fence. Left a lovely hole in the bottom of it, a whole big enough for our other dog to escape through, however that wonderful well behaved puppy apparently had no desire to, as he was still hanging out in the yard.

Now normally when Kolohe gets out (this is a recurring issue, ever since puppy-dom) she likes to wander down a few houses and sniff around and comes back, if we're not home when this happens she usually hangs out near Adam's police car, it's a familiar scent (train dust has a unique smell to her I think). Kid's in our old neighborhood used to ask if she was his police dog, cause she'd just hang out by it just waiting. The reason she is so familiar with his police car is that in her younger days of escaping, the only way we could get her to come home was if Adam went in a car and picked her up as she loves car rides. And his police car wasn't upholstry we cared about so picking her up in that was easier. Then it just became the car he used because he knew she knew it so well, it looked and smelled so much different from street cars in the neighborhood.

The moment Adam told me she was missing I felt strangely calm, normally that's the kind of thing that would freak me out, I would instantly imagine life without her and how sad that would be. But for some reason I didn't feel that at all. Adam got in his police car to go look for her. I stood out on the lawn listening in my quiet neighborhood for sounds of a dog sniffing around in the dark, but no such sound came. I turned around and looked at my house and had a thought, maybe she is trapped somewhere, like behind the shed in the backyard or something, so I should go check the yard again. I went through the front door and into the house, I looked for a moment at the garage door, a passing thought of going through the garage and out the side door to the yard, but instead went to the sliding door to the backyard. I looked all around, played with Scooter for a few minutes and figured I should go back in, as she was obviously not out here. I could go back in through the side door into the garage and into the house that way, but instead I went back through the sliding door again. Adam still wasn't back yet, feeling helpless I decided to walk back outside and wait for him, I could go through the garage and open the large garage door to get to the front yard, but instead I went through the front door. I called her name a few times, listening for rustling or other dog noises in response, but nothing. Adam wasn't back yet so I walked back into the house, glancing in the direction of the garage, thinking, I could have gone in that way if I'd come out that way.

I headed upstairs, I suppose it's time to make a missing dog ad, I thought to myself, still not really believeing that's what I was coming upstairs to do. I sat down and started blogging about our day at the temple, not really believing the day had all been so wonderful yet ended so badly. As I blogged I heard Adam come home, one car door shut, not two (Kolohe usually rides in the back seat). That meant he was alone, I heard him come through the front door, I stopped typing to listen for the clicking of dog paws on our tile floor....nothing. No Kolohe.

Adam had noticed the garage light was on (we have windows in the top panel of our garage door) when he came home, it has a motion sensor on it, but if it's still on more than 5 minutes after we've been out of the garage then someone likely flipped the switch on and he decided to go turn it off. When he opened the door to the garage, Kolohe came walking in, as if she had just been hanging out in there waiting for someone to open the door and let her into the house. Waiting....in the garage. I'd had that thought several times, first the thought that she was trapped somewhere, then the thought several times to go through the garage to get to the yard and even to go through the garage to go back into the house. I'd heard these thoughts everytime they were placed in my head, but I didn't listen to them a single time. But Adam, the first time he had the thought, go switch off the light in the garage (even though it's on a timer and would usually go off by itself) he did, and there was the dog. Strange how sometimes I hear the promptings loud and clear, the answers to my problems and questions spoken in my own voice in my ear, and I just don't listen. Everytime something like this happens I vow to never let it happen again, somehow it usually does eventually, but maybe blogging about it for the whole world to see (or at least the 10 or 12 followers I have) will help me to learn from my mistakes.

It's not enough to pray for answers, even quiet unspoken, only spiritually uttered prayers. It's just as important to listen and act on the answers recieved. I should have known from the instant calmness I felt at finding out she was gone that the answer was available to me, if only I would listen.

Families Can Be Together Forever.

2011-07-27T00:28:00.000-07:00

Today was an AMAZING day. Darla Deanne Hoskins was sealed to our family for time and all eternity at the Sacramento, CA Temple. The picture above is the Sacramento Temple. We got to town early so that we could stop in at the church bookstore and pick up a few inspirational books and cd's. The kids LOVED that store and didn't want to leave, they thought all the books with pictures of Christ on them and lessons about church in them looked like the best books ever. I think we may have to venture there more often. Then we were at the temple an hour early to take family portraits. I knew of a photographer who lived in the Sacramento area and asked if she could do a photo session for us so that I didn't have to worry about family getting there early to take pictures and we could do it before going in and before all the crankies were likely to set in. She was excited and did a wonderful job for an amazing price! Pictures will be available in a few weeks, and I'm hoping for something frame worthy of a family picture, seems all our family pictures of late have been with all the kids moving in different directions. Here's hoping!

Then when we went inside there was such a sense of peace just walking in the door, I love that feeling about the Temple. The temple is a reverent place, and whispering is really preferred and so of course with little babies I wondered how quiet they would be. Darla is loudest when she's happy and Catcher I knew was tired and that was going to lead to some serious crankiness. Adam and I had to do paperwork and get ready so the children were left in the care of a few temple matrons and family who had arrived early. Apparently Catcher was just inconsoleable so they brought him into the bride's room because it's rather sealed off in the middle of the temple and a crying baby wouldn't be as likely to disturb others in there. So when I came in all dressed, he just wanted me, normally this kid is Daddy's little shadow, but since I was there, he wanted me. He was pretty happy with me around but when it came time to seperate again, he started to cry....loudly. But what had to be done had to be done so we sent him off with a Grandma while I met up with my Husband Man to have a quiet prayer together before hand. I prayed for peace, for myself and my children, that the spirit might calm them all, so that the time could be enjoyed by all in attendance.

When we went into the sealing room and our friends and family were there, it was just beautiful, and then the moment came, bringing in the children. Each of them had a sweet smile like I've never seen, glowing from the inside out like sunshine from their glimmering eyes. Catcher was carried by a temple matron a woman he was unfamiliar with and yet, despite being in a room full of family he knew, he remained perfectly content in her arms, not whining to go to someone more comforting and familiar. It was obvious my prayer was answered.

The sealing is a short prayer pronounced as Adam and I hold hands and Darla's hand is placed atop of our hands. Adam's sister, Amanda, held Darla's little hand in place and I looked at my Husband's face and then we both looked at little Darla. She stared into Adam's eyes, not with fear, or concern for the strangeness of being held this way, but with peace. The calmness in her spirit was manifest in her stillness as the prayer was said, the gentle way she looked into our faces, a gentle smile the whole time. And then in only a minute, she became our fifth child, not just for the time of our lives on this Earth, but for the Eternities of Heaven's everlasting glory.

Outside the temple the children of our friend's and family waited, cousin's hugged with joyous laughter and children danced about amongst the fountains and gorgeous plantings outside the temple. It was near 7pm at this time and we decided to head out for dinner with a few close friends and family. Including children and babies, this was a party of around 32 people, thanks to Cattleman's restaurant for accomodating us on such short notice! It still took a while to get served our food but I think everyone had a great time, I know I did. Catcher was tired and a little cranky but as far as cranky goes, his behavior was quite handleable. And how did the star of the day, little Darla do? That sweet girl must have hit a second wind around 7:30, she laughed and giggled and played her way through dinner until we left some time around 9:00ish, she really is a joy!

Life as we know it

2011-06-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

Today I went through my normal morning routine. Got the babies their bottles, fed the big kids breakfast and then retrieved the babies from upstairs to come have their breakfast. Somewhere in there I found a moment to take a few bites of my cereal. After breakfast we all stayed in our pj's for a bit and adjourned to the living room. The babies played on the floor, happilly sharing toys and giggles, the big girls read stories and serranaded the babies with primary songs. I sat on the couch cozy with one or another child on my lap at any given time, and enjoyed two hours of pure bliss. I sat there for the whole time in awe of these beautiful blessings in our lives. These children who each have their own unique personality and gifts to bring to the family, they are all ours (well soon to be ALL ours.)

Darla: She will officially be ours as of July 1, 2011 (8:15am). We've signed the adoptive placement forms so she is in adoptive custody and will be in permanent family placement as of our final court signing on July 1st. She is starting to crawl, mostly in an army crawl fashion, dragging herself with her arms, but she certainly gets where she wants to go! She smiles constantly, nearly every second she is awake she is happy. Darla has FINALLY discovered the joys of eating! The kid wouldn't swallow anything that wasn't a bottle until just recently and now she can't get enough of the real stuff! Currently she LOVES sausage for some strange reason, it was hillarious watching her eat it for the first time, grinned everytime it was in her mouth. She is about to be 9 months old and has a mouth full of 8 teeth that she shows off with all her happy smiles. Here are a few recent pictures of her:

Catcher: Our handsome little Catcher Man, or "The Baby Man," as he is often called (the younger version of "The Husband Man,") is now 15 and a half months old. He walks (finally) and climbs up on things. He is known for his snuggling and kind nature....as well as his slight obsession for cleaning and organizing. His mood is often indicative of the state of the room he is in, in a messy room he is often fussy and upset for what appears to be no reason, however after a few moments of clean up he turns into a happy happy boy. He loves neatness and order, hates to have messy hands and if I am feeding him with a spoon he freaks if food gets ON his lips or chin, he likes things clean, and that's fine by me!! He is an amazing big brother to little D and likes to share toys with her. current favorite toy? Sunglasses, on again, off again... Here are a few pictures from his tiny days to remind you how much he's grown, the last is a recent picture of him with a "mona lisa" type smile, which perfectly tipifies his gentle nature:

(this picture is also a good representation of myself before weight loss as well)

Katie: "Katie Kat" is the typical middle child, combined with the typical 3 year old...all rolled into a cute and sweet little package that makes it hard to be mad when she can be so frustrating! That being said, the tough side is opposite of her 'oh so sweet' side which loves to sing songs and make up stories and has the imagination of ten children combined. A few days ago in the car I heard her playing, acting out some kind of story between two characters, I looked back to see what toys she was playing with, and she had none. Each of her hands was a character, and later a foot was added to the show which made it quite interesting. While easy to anger and frustration (comes with the age) she is quick to laugh and giggle and be silly to make others feel happy. She loves the babies and is always trying to be helpful with them, she knows Catcher likes this clean so she'll often clean up around him just to make him smile. She loves to cuddle with anyone who'll let her and always has to have 'blankey' included in the snuggle. Her long blonde hair has gotten even longer and is near to being sat on her by own little bottom, she hopes to grow it as long as Rapunzel, which is of course because her favorite movie and character is Rapunzel from Tangled. Again here are some pictures of her, a few memorable young ones first:

Maggie: "Maggie May" is going to be turning 6 in August, which is also the same time as the anniversary of her adoption 4 years ago. She completely kindergarten this last year and is excited to start 1st grade in a homeschool program through a local charter school. Maggie excels at nearly anything physical, which is why she'll be getting to start up gymnastics again in the fall as well. She used to do it a few years ago and was getting good at it but during my pregnancy with Catcher we had to drop it for a while to simplify things but we are excited to be starting it again for her soon. Maggie loves being a big sister and enjoys helping mommy, espcially with sweeping which she has become quite good at. At least twice a week she volunteers to sweep the whole bottom floor of the house, which is no small task considering the nearly 1300 square feet of the bottom floor are all either tile or wood, aside from a small rug in the livingroom. We got a new dog a few months ago and Maggie's animal skills have continued to amaze us. She has what I call "Animal Charisma"....animals are drawn to her and will listen to her and obey her commands quite well for such a small child. we look forward to seeing this talent grow as she does. Here are some pictures of her, the first is of the day we got her, at 6 weeks old still only weighed just over 6 pounds, this is my mom holding her, then a few more of her leading up to a current picture of our Magdalena May:

Elaine: "Lainey Bug" is 7 and still...of course....loves ballet. She just finished her fourth year of ballet and third recital with Juline School of Dance in Modesto. Elaine is ecstatic about the opportunity to try out for Central West Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker" this holiday season, she has dreamed of being in a 'real' ballet for as long as she knew they existed. She keeps hoping if she practices hard enough she'll get to be the sugar plum fairy, while trying not to totally burst her bubble I had to remind her that it is a part for older girls who have been on pointe for years and that she'll have an opportunity to try out for that part in years to come, and she is NOW looking forward to being in it in any part she gets. She is, as ever, the sweet and gentle oldest child. She, like Catcher, likes things to be in a certain kind of order and does get frustrated with things (such as siblings) who upset that order, but all in all is quite easy going
and usually the first to compromise when it is needed (daily with this many kids!) As an oldest child I couldn't have asked for anything better than a sweet and loving example to the younger children as she is. I recently came across several old pictures, so here are a few of Elaine thru the years ending with the most recent:

(this was her 5th birthday party, with a REAL ballerina, a day she'll never forget)

Well I guess that only leaves The Husband Man and I (which makes me The Wonder Wife). For anyone who follows us thru facebook or anything, you are surely aware of my weight loss, but did you also know that The Husband Man lost even more than I did??! Seriously! Adam has lost 60 pounds and I have lost 50. We have found a healthy balance and maintenance plan that is working well for us. Losing weight together was so much easier than years of trying and failing alone. We celebrated our 10th anniversary last month and I am elated to say we are both the same size we were when we got married, i even tried on my wedding dress just for kicks and it totally fit! Which the kids loved, getting to see mommy as a princess again :)

I had a breast reduction following the completion of my weight loss, something I've wanted for years and finally was able to have, thanks to my insurance. That was the icing on the fat free weight loss cake! It made my weight loss seem so much more dramatic over night! it was a difficult adjustment for me at first but I healed quick and am back to normal life, as a new version of normal sets in. My dr told me after only 3 weeks post op that I looked nearly fully healed, like someone would at 6 weeks out, apparently I healed twice as fast as the average person...hence my title, Wonder Wife!

The Husband Man continues to work as a Police Officer (official title of Senior Special Agent) with Union Pacific Railroad, he takes his work very serious and we are so glad he's out there keeping things a little safer for everyone. This job has been a blessing for our family in so many ways and we are looking forward to many more years to come with the comapany.

Life as we know it is busy and beautiful, stressful and superb, wild and wonderful.... When I look back at what just the last year alone has brought, it only makes me sit in wonder as to what amazing blessings the Lord has in store for our family, through miraculous and sometimes unimaginable means....

The things they don't tell you....

2011-06-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

****Warning, this blog is about my breast reduction surgery, NO it IS NOT graphic in nature at all, but you should know the topic incase you're uncomfortable with it, this is my life and these are the things I'm going thru and here's what I have to say about it*****

Why is it I keep coming across times in my life where I suddenly realize, there is a LOT "they" never told me about this. For example I remember when i graduated from high school, i did NOT know my diploma wouldn't be in the nifty little diploma holder they gave me when i crossed the stage, why didn't anybody tell me that before? And when I got married, why didn't anyone tell me that despite looking like a princess all day, i was so uncomfortable in my dress and veil and super-armored underwear that i spent the whole day looking forward to ripping it off and never wearing it again (my husband probably did too but for slightly different reasons). Seriously, the whole time i was getting ready for my wedding, nobody bothered to mention that? And when i got pregnant and did the math and realized pregnancy is more like 10 months...not 9, 40 weeks, that's 10 months, not 9. All the women out there having children and not one could spare the time to prepare me for that one? (my babies were all born early anyway so why should i complain eh?!) But the point of this whole thing is the amount of information NO ONE told me before having a breast reduction. SOOOOO if you're thinking at all of ever having it done, or know someone who might, or even someone who might consider any kind of radical alteration to their appearance, then read on my friends....read on. (if not feel free to stop reading here :)

My doctor never saw me for more than five minutes at each of my pre-surgery appointments, told me what the surgery entailed, asked if i was serious and ready, and that was it. I read all the information made available to me by Kaiser, which consisted of a pre-surgery (generic to most kinds of surgery) information sheet of what not to wear on surgery day and so on, as well as post-op care information (again rather general to all surgery) how to change a dressing, and take meds and relax. That was literally ALL that was made available to me. Now on Facebook i had taken every opportunity to update about my surgery, and all along the way I had several people privately message me to say that they'd had the surgery or known someone else who had and that (and I quote from EVERY person who messaged me about it) "it was the best thing I ever did!!!" So at this point i was excited, people with experience were that happy with it, than i would be too...right?!

On the day of the surgery i found myself worrying i wouldn't like the results, what if they made me feel fatter because as a comparison the rest of my body didn't appear so small now that there weren't two giant bolders on my chest to compare them to? and religiously, was it right to be changing the body God gave me? It all began to hit me that morning, and i began to almost look for reasons not to go thru with it. I actually am not terribly afraid of surgery, i've had several in the past, knee surgeries, tonsils out and of course the three c-sections, so it wasn't really the surgery i was worried about, just the results of it. Again all i got from people were confirmation that i would be so glad when it was done, and even when i prayed i had a sense of peace so i knew it was the right thing to do....so i had went ahead with the breast reduction surgery.

As with all surgeries, my part was easy, i went to sleep and in the blink of an eye woke up and it was done. It's somewhat disconcerting to wake up in what felt like a second and realize HOURS have passed, and my whole body was altered. I had a HUGE bandage on so i really didn't feel much smaller at that point, which of course made me worry that they didn't take enough off. That fear went away the next day at my appointment when the bandage was removed and i saw my new self for the first time....

After years of looking down and seeing nothing but the top of my large chest, i looked down and felt like there was no longer ANY chest, none at all. My new chest was so swollen and tight against my body that i honestly felt like i had NO breasts at all!! I cried, i began to feel i'd made a huge and awful mistake. Thus began a downward spiral no one told me would happen. Everytime i looked down at myself i cried, I felt like my husband would no longer find me attractive, i honestly felt i looked like a man. What I saw didn't resemble breasts at all, mutilated pieces of meat were my exact thoughts on the matter. How could so many people have gone thru this and come out thinking it was the best decision they'd ever made and not stopped to mention a period of mourning the loss of your previous identity?? That's totally how I felt, I'd always been "that girl with the big boobs," not that I found this flattering or anything, but it's just who I was, for as long as I could remember, I mean I had to start wearing a bra in 4th grade, despite being stick thin everywhere else, and by 8th grade i was a DD! I did not realize how much of my personally percieved identity was wrapped up in my overly large bust. I cried for several days, over everything, over nothing, I felt depressed for the first time in my life. I had never gone thru post pardum depression with any of my babies, but my husband said that it was like i was going thru post-parting depression with the loss of my breasts, while humorous it very accurately described how I felt. It's like shopper's remorse, you buy something at the store, even though it's more than you meant to spend, and when you get home you just decide it wasn't worth that price and you take it back....only I couldn't take it back. All those people couldn't takea moment to tell me I might feel like this???? Or to tell me they wouldn't even resemble breasts at first???? At this point I was worried I would feel like this forever and they would look like that forever.

And then a breakthru came....

About a week after surgery Adam and I took the opportunity to go shopping while the older kids were at school, we broght the little ones with us and went to the StoneRidge Mall in Pleasanton. I tried on bra's for the first time to get an idea of what size I was. The pain during this week had been easy to deal with, I only took pain meds on the day of surgery and after that If I hurt I laid down, because my pain was near gone when i laid down on my back....again, no one told me i wouldn't be able to lay on my side after surgery. So by this time a lot of swelling had gone down and my breasts were beginning to outwardly (thru clothing) take on a more normal shape. Upon trying on SEVERAL bra's I found that my new size was happilly a D, which was exactly what I'd wanted, I guess I just didn't realize how much smaller a D was in comparison to my previous size I. It was like an instant change, now realizing i had what I wanted, and generally feeling better because I was shopping which is the ultimate cure-all for me , i left that mall with a new found freedom. I no longer feel depressed and am quite happy with the results, and went in to my next appointment a whole different person that I'd been the week before.

My doctor said I looked to be feeling better and asked how I felt about the results.

"Well, I am happy with the results NOW, but I have to tell you, last week I was quite depressed about the whole thing, I didn't like how small they were and I didn't realize how much of my personal identity I had attatched to my large chest."

"Oh yeah," he says," I could tell even before your surgery you were going to have that problem."

EXCUSE ME???!!!!!!!!! He spent all of five minutes with me at each appointment, (2 total before surgery) and in that time he could tell this about me? Ok that is totally possible, but if it was true, why didn't he tell me???? SERIOUSLY!! I mean if you think i have the potential for depression after surgery, you don't think there's something you can do, but at least bringing up the topic during an appointment, letting me know i might feel this way, and what to do about it, or how long it could last...or for heaven's sake give me some reading literature on the topic!!! I was so infuriated by the non-challant attitude that it was just something I would have to deal with, and since I was better now why did it matter? You want to know why it matters, and why I'm telling everyone this?! Because during those days, I felt like the only person on the planet who'd had this surgery and was unhappy with it, during that time i felt so alone (which does not help when you're already depressed) because everyone else said "it was the best choice i ever made!"

Now it has been over two weeks since my surgery and honestly at this point I can say "it was the best choice I've ever made," as well, but if I were really telling someone who was considering this surgery, i would not forget to mention that it's a HUGE adjustment to change that drastically in a matter of hours, or what to me felt like the blink of an eye. It will take a serious period of getting used to the way you move and the way clothes fit and the way you look when all is said and done. And being confident in yourself when your a whole new self is a little hard to come by in the beginning. And that all of that....is OK, and normal. That's the main thing I wish someone would have told me, that feeling that way, is normal, and that it will pass.

I won't apologize for the bluntness of my blog on this subject, as you were forewarned and if you chose to read this far that's your own fault, but I would like to say that I hope more of us take the time to be honest, to be truly honest with our answers to all questions, because sometimes people ask those questions looking for the whole answer, not just the 'right' one.

Surgery....and other thoughts.

2011-05-16T15:59:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I'm finally having the breast reduction I have wanted for as long as I can remember. When I was in 8th grade I already wore a DD, maybe this is too personal to be telling people on the internet, but it is the truth. I had told the Husband Man way back when we first got married (10 years ago) that I was wanting to get this done someday. He was very supportive. Secretly I think he's ok with he because he knows I'll be able to buy less expensive bras. haha! Seriously, the bras I have to special order in size "I" cost a lot more than those in "normal" sizes which can be bought in stores ranging from Victoria's Secret all the way down to Wal Mart.

I'm nervous about the surgery for a few reasons. First of all, I hate not knowing how much i'm going to hurt afterward. People who have surgery because something is wrong are usually in more pain before then they are after. In my case it's hard to know that despite my abnormally large chest and the daily back and shoulder pain, I'm going to go from healthy/painless, to drugged and in pain. And of course the obvious other reason to be nervous about the surgery..."Will I like they way they look when it's done????" LOL, stupid I know, but seriously I'm worried about not liking my chest being smaller, I've had 31 years to be used to my larger chest, and overnight I'll have a whole new body to get used to. My dr said that the mass which was seen on the mammogram doesn't worry him in the least, it's an area that was going to get removed anyway and in his professional opinion it didn't "look" cancerous, because it was small and localized. So I'm going to take his calmness as a sign to not worry about that part.

It's funny though the mixed emotions I'm feeling. Part of me feels so accomplished because I have worked several months to lose enough weight to qualify for this, and it's great to reach your goal. But then there's a part of me that feels guilty for getting something like this done, like it's frivolous. I should feel less guilty about that considering my medical insurance doesn't deam it frivolous or they wouldn't pay. They look at the large size and know that means years ahead of back/shoulder pain and they'd rather pay for one surgery than years of pain meds and other additional related problems. Then of course that leads me to my next thought, does that mean they'll pay for a tummy tuck too? LOL I had three c-sections and recently lost a lot of weight, the amount of skin in my midsection is the only thing keeping me a size 12 instead of a 10 or less. But then maybe that's pushing frivolous to the limit. God gave me this body and it's up to me to do my best by it, and strangely when i think of it that way it feels like the tummy tuck is the better way to do that than the breast reduction haha, I mean the chest is the one he gave me, the belly is the one the dr's cutting the baby out of me gave me....Just the random thoughts of a soon to be normal sized woman.

10 years

2011-05-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

10 years ago I was just a child getting ready to say "I Do"...

9 years ago we had already moved 3 times in a year, but were in love no matter where we lived....

8 years ago we were about to get the news that would change us forever, a baby to love...

7 years ago, the long and scary road of a near fatal pregnancy was past, and we took our tiny baby to the beach to celebrate...

6 years ago, forms were filled out, we had decided to do foster care, and put our lives in God's hands...

5 years ago, our family had grown, Lena was our newest little joy, and her journey with us had only just begun...

4 years ago, Lena became Magdalena but not yet officially, would this adoption ever be final?....

3 years ago, Maggie was ours and God had blessed us to be able to have Katie, while the gestation was uneventful, we nearly lost her a few weeks later, but God blessed us again and saved her precious life...

2 years ago, Were we crazy to try again? Why not! could we really be wanting 4 kids? And could we possible get a boy?....

1 year ago, Catcher saved himself from an extremely premature birth with his soccer skills on my kidney stone, Daddy's only son had arrived at 32 weeks instead of 28!...

Today....today, We look at our family of FIVE kids in awe, little Darla our newest addition is the blessing we never would have thought to ask for but couldn't imagine living without. And everyday I get to wake up to the man who makes each day possible, doable, and wonderful...my Husband Man... THE Husband Man. Happy 10 years Adam, I love you <3

A New Direction

2011-04-10T22:55:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like the Universe (a.k.a. GOD!) is pointing you in a new direction? I went to Time Out for Women this weekend and was inspired in SOOOO many ways. The theme of the weekend was "Choose To Become..." Everyone is on a journey to become something, no two journeys the same. But we all have to get there somehow. A lot of the speakers talked about how to enjoy the journey and what steps are necessary to get started on your journey, and nearly every speaker asked if we'd figured out our "Become" yet....what was I going to choose to become? Becoming a better mother has been on my list for many years now, but I felt like i needed to think of something to add to that, something that might maybe have a finish line some day. I'll never FINISH being a mother, i felt like i needed to set a goal, one that i could actually see acheiving some day. I started to go back to old goals I'd set decades ago for myself, goals I'd set aside as life happened. One specific goal came to mind over and over again. Writing. More specifically, writing a book. This is something I've started countless times and for one reason or another given up....lost the passion i had when i started. Every idea i've had seemed so perfect at first, and then i began to doubt myself and wonder if it was even worth the effort of writing, and the project got set aside, never to be touched again....until now. It seems like all the sudden writing ideas are coming from everything, so many i don't know where to start, but i know i WILL. I've been reading blogs about writing, and even came across a link to famous writers "writing shacks" tiny shacks where these people went to escape life and just write. I think I may need one of those someday :) I'm praying for God to give me a direction on my writing, this is a talent that came from Him and I would like to put it to the use that He sees best. I'm looking forward to this new chapter in life, literally :) Posting about it on my blog makes it feel more real, more concrete, like I'm accountable to you to actually do this, because I know at some point several months from now one of you is going to ask...."How's that book coming?" and I hope to have a better answer then, "nothing yet...." because if you asked me now that would be my answer. Ask me later, I'll have a better answer....

Family Update, April 2011.

2011-04-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've been posting a lot on my weight loss blog lately instead of here, because most of what I have had to say has been about my weight loss. But time for a little cross over. I am now at a whopping 40 pounds lost....sometimes I still can't believe it. The weight loss is slower at this point but still moving, I would like to lose another 15-20 pounds, I can't believe that's all I have left when in the beginning that number of 60 pounds sounded soooo far away! I am so close to being under 200, that is my short term goal....long term of course is the 15 or 20 pounds, but it's important to have those short term goals that as you acheive keep you moving towards the long term ones. I look forward to stepping on the scale in the next week or so and seeing 199....oh that will be a glorious day haha! Anyway... The point of starting all of this weight loss was to be able to qualify to get my breasts reduced and I'm very proud to announce that I have SURPASSED that goal! My breast reduction is scheduled for mid May! yes!! As for the rest of the family, starting from the youngest: "Darla D." is now 6 months old. She is just about the happiest baby ever, and such a sweet sweet baby too. She pretty much is happy as long as somebody (brother, sister, mommy, daddy, stranger) is near by that she can smile at, and boy when she's happy, you might need ear plugs! She is so squeally these days, she is so excited for life....and her toes, her new favorite play thing lol. Still not really figuring out the eating thing yet, but Catcher didn't eat baby food until around 7 months, so I'm not terribly worried. But she LOVES her bottles! Sometimes if I need a few minutes, I just put her in the high chair and point her towards Catcher while he's in his high chair eating, and they'll keep each other entertained for as long as I need! They really are going to grow up thinking their mismatched twins! As for her adoption...her parent's rights were terminated in February, their appeal period is up in a few weeks here in April, then two weeks after that they can request a court date for our adoption. As the request probably won't occur until the beginning of May, the date will likely not be until June. But what a wonderful experience it will be to finally be able to bless her at church and seal her to our family at the temple after her adoption....soooo can't wait for this!!! Speaking of that little Catcher Man.....

He just turned 13 months old. Little stubborn guy won't give up crawling yet, he can stand on his own and has even taken a step here or there, but is still sticking to that crawling mode of transportation, although our new puppy thinks that Catcher is a puppy too since he's crawling around on all fours, so as soon as he figures out that walking will literally get the dog "off his back" maybe he'll do that instead! I'm not in a rush though, all the other kids walked during their 13th month as well so he's par for the family course! He is nearly tied with Darla for happiest kid on the planet. He is just all smiles all the time, even when he cries he smiles, that's just not fair :) He loves to play and keeps himself entertained for hours at a time with the simplest toys. Right now it seems his favorite thing is putting things inside other things, he likes to dump out a bucket of toys just to put them all back in the bucket again and dump it again. Maybe I'll have another neat freak like Elaine! lol! As far as speech goes he's still just saying baby talk, but he sure thinks he's saying something cause he's talking a mile a minute in baby! He does try to sing along with the radio though, that is so cute. He is very caring and concerned for Darla, whenever she cries he is there giving her his toys in an effort to help...it really is so sweet!

"Katie Kat" turned 3 in February. She sometimes seems so much older, partially because she's so dang tall and partially because she just understands more than I remember the older kids did at this age. She knows how to add and count, knows her colors and understands more words and language than even the older kids do sometimes! She's a ham and a half and loves to play a part. We had some friends over a few weeks ago, she totally played the damsel in distress to a little boy just older than her and he played the rescuing prince to a Tee....too cute. She won't start kindergarten for still 2 and a half years, but sheesh she seems ready already! We're hoping to put her in a preschool in the fall if we can find one here in Patterson that isn't just a day care, we don't need a day care but she really wants to go to school already! She's a wonderful help with the babies and enjoys singing and talking on any subject. Don't believe everything she says though, she LOVES to make stuff up...thinks it's funny to watch people's reactions, I'm hoping this phase doesn't turn into a lying phase, for now it's just silly stories though. Since moving here she's matured quite a bit, before she didn't really play by herself much, but here in this house she has learned to appreciate that she can have her own space and play by herself and enjoy that time, it's helped me get a lot more done without her underfoot all the time.

Maggie May, is now 5 and a half and almost done with her first year of school, Kindergarten. She is doing very well in every subject and has even gotten an award for classroom leadership! We always knew she was a leader (not a follower) but I never realized it would become apparent as early as kindergarten! She still loves gymnastics but we've debated over whether to send her to a center here in Patterson that promotes gymnastics purely for use in cheerleading, or to keep her at the one in Modesto where she previously attended that encourages all areas of gymnastics for a more well rounded approach. Of course the closer one would be easier but I'm not sure if it's what she will want in the end or not. We'll decide over the summer and enroll her in one next year around September. Her love of animals continues to astonish me. She has always had a way of drawing animals to her that is so awe inspiring, seriously never seen anything like it. It's like she just understands them and they her, she's some kind of animal whisperer. From the day we brought Scooter (our new boxer puppy) home, he instantly adopted her. He will play with the other kids or even me or Adam, but if Maggie is in the room all wants is her attention. She's taken on the roll quite well and volunteers to clean up after him indoors and out, it's very wonderful! The addition of her sibling (Darla) hasn't seemed to bring up any more questions about where she comes from. She understands she is adopted and understands that this adorable baby came from the same place but has yet to truly put together exactly what "sibling" means. Someday she will and I hope she'll be glad to understand who Darla is to her.

Elaine is 7 years old now. Wow I can't believe how old that feels, I remember being that age! She is excelling in ALL areas of school and recieved an award for "Going above and beyond in ALL areas of education!" The teacher said they don't do student of the month but if they did she would have gotten it. She impressed her teacher from the moment she started at her new school here in Patterson. Her reading has really taken off this year and she can pretty much read anything with great fluidity. It's wonderful to see my children learning and growing, I remember worrying as a teenager whether or not I could ever be a good enough parent to teach my future kids all they would need to know. She is, as always, a wonderful older sister and great help to me. She often tells me that being an older sister is hard because she understands that her little sisters and brother are looking to her to be a good example and she worries about living up to that. Such worries at such a young age. She is still doing wonderful in ballet, and we are looking forward to her third recital with Juline School of Dance this summer in June. She is a level one this year after two years of "pre-ballet" and a year before that of jr ballet in a studio ran by a friend in her garage. Ballet has been her life and her passion since the age of 3, and it continues to be so today as well. When we went to Utah last year we toured the BYU Campus and she learned that they have a dance program there and has decided that is where she wants to go for college so that she can continue to take dance "forever." We will continue to encourage this of course :) but as often happens, children change their mind so we're watching for the possibility of that in the future as well. She enjoys singing and dancing and is looking forward to trying out for Central West Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker" in the fall....the start of many performance opportunities to come I'm sure.

I had all the girls in matching dresses (the first time since the arrival of Darla) for my aunt Jennifer's wedding, here's a picture of the cuteness :

And since I mentioned him several times here is a picture of Scooter our new boxer puppy. In case you're wondering his markings make him a "reverse brindle" he is very cute and sweet...the whole family has a case of puppy love! (with the possible exception of the cat who isn't so sure)

seeing forest thru the trees....

2011-03-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

So there were several things today that frustrated me, but in the essence of the "big picture" i'd like to take a moment to focus on the things that made me smile today.

1. took the kids on a drive thru the hills today, which they (and I) LOVED.
2. Got my spot for Time Out for Women!!!
3. Elaine is finally getting better after her dual ear infection and respiratory infection...she was mostly normal today...and as a cherry on top -she's back to school tomorrow!
4. Catcher, while obviously not feeling well from teething, wanted to cuddle with me all day, and he patted my back the whole time he was hugging me...i love that.
5. Despite dragging all five kidlets with me to the dr's office for Darla, they all behaved like sweet angels...it was great. (darla is still sicky though...bleh...back to the big picture though!!)
6. Gave Darla and Catcher a bath together for the first time, Darla had to sit in her bumbo cause she still can't sit up unsupported yet...but they both LOVED IT!!
7. Maggie took her first shower!! This may not seem like a big deal but she used to be DEATHLY afraid of the shower. She would scream if she had to go anywhere near water falling down on her head or face. But since her hair was up in braids and she didn't have to get her head in the water she said she'd try it...that was very brave of her. She ended up really liking it and asking if she could take one everytime now instead of baths....halleluiah!!!
8. I've managed to keep up on the cleaning, despite coughing up a lung for days now....go me!!

You know after posting this I feel like today was a great day, before this I had felt like it had been a slightly crummy day, but after stopping to think of what made me smile today, it seems those are the only things i can remember now. You are what you...think. so think happy thoughts.

Building a family

2011-03-02T21:40:00.000-08:00

I'm really starting to realize how strange I must appear to other people with my five kidlets. I'll go somewhere and just have them hanging off of me, two babies wanting to be held and katie hiding between my legs as she plays hide and go seek with Maggie who's on the other side of my legs and Elaine is kissing any baby she can get close to and often going back and forth between them. I am a one woman jungle gym with children hanging off in all directions.....and I love it :) Doesn't even phase me anymore that the kids do that, but dang if i don't get some weird looks sometimes LOL.

We went to help a friend pick out a wedding dress today, at a bridal store in sonora which happens to be owned by my step-mom's sister-in-law, and her daughter-in-law was helping us there and I got to talking to her about if she and her hubby were gonna have kids. I'm nosy and I can't help it, I look for ever opportunity i can to tell people who are wanting to have kids and struggling....about adoption, specifically adopting from the foster system. It's strange how little people know about this stuff. Everybody thinks of adoption when they're having trouble having a baby, especially when they don't know why they're having trouble so it's not like they can take a pill or have a surgery to fix it. They naturally think of the classic picture of adoption, couple pays big bucks to an agency and adopts foreign adorable baby....instant family, just add adoption papers and 10000 dollars. But let's face it, a young couple doesn't always have that kind of options, especially not in this economy. Almost NO ONE realizes that the foster system will PAY YOU to adopt a child....did YOU know that? Did you know that they'll pay you to love a child? They'll pay you to clothe and feed the child? Now maybe you might say, "i don't need to be paid to love a child" but too bad, they'll force the money into your hand just for loving that little helpless person. They'll pay you to love that child until it would no longer have been their responsibility, when the child turns 18. So if I bug you about if you're having kids and if you're wanting kids, please don't feel i'm just prying into your personal business, it's usually just that i want to share with more people how amazing adoption can be, especially when it doesn't have to be a money crunch either, in some cases it can even enable a mom to stay home who had to work before. If you are thinking, hmm this sounds interesting...how do i start? PLEASE message me on Facebook, or email me, I am happy to answer your questions, no matter what they are. I sound like a salesperson, but truth is this is just something i feel passionate about and hope that I can help someone else build the family they've wanted.

No longer "For Rent"

2011-02-26T21:32:00.001-08:00

When we bought this house with it's five bedrooms and over double the square footage of our old house we made one serious agreement we were not willing to go back on....That we would not walk away from our old house. We even wrote a whole letter to the lender stating that we were going to rent out the old house, because we could afford both houses (barely...but still) so there wasn't a "need" to walk away. Some people have choosen to walk away from older, smaller, more expensive mortgages, in view of the current downturn of the market. Most have HAD to walk away from those mortgages, but in either view, we were planning to be the exception to the norm. That made us stand out to the lenders and we were able to get the loan for this house in near record time. And now it's been nearly 4 months since we became the owners of 2 houses and still only one has been occuppied. In the beginning it was the holidays, then January it was because the friends who were helping us to prep the old house just didn't have as much free time as they'd thought, so the painting and repairs were dragging on and on. Finally in Febraury Adam decided to just fork out the money to pay professionals to do the work. The work was done mid-February, but still no renters. We'd posted ads for the rental as well as held several open houses. There was some luke-warm interest but no one seemed very serious.

Adam in the last few weeks had started to consider what it would be like to actually just let the house go, deed it back to the bank, or even short sale it, just to be rid of the burden. And while i suppose some part of me understood that, I just couldn't imagine going back on the statement we had made which was the main reason we were able to get this house....that we wouldn't just "walk away" from the other one. Everytime i reminded him of that, he agreed so we trudged forward. Everytime I prayed I felt that God's plan was not for us to go back on our word and to "have faith" God will provide away....it's hard hearing the same answer over and over with no results as yet....but we continued having open houses and placing ads.

Then at our last open house a young woman, single, working mother of two young boys came to an open house and was VERY interested. She stayed and filled out the application right then and there as well as paid me for her credit report right then as well. We also recieved another application that same day from a family down the street, the owner of the house they rented was letting it go to foreclosure and they needed to move out in a matter of weeks. We told everyone that day that we would be choosing someone the following monday so that they could move in by March 1st. (really not looking forward to another month of two full mortgage payments)

Out of the two apps we recieved we called references but were concerned about the actual number of people residing with the family from down the street, although she only listed four, we had seen for quite sometime that an additional daughter and friend had been living there as well. So we just the single mother, her job references were great, she had the money and we were glad to be helping her out. When I called to tell her we'd picked her she suddenly decided she couldn't move in until March 15th (I'm assuming that meant money problem...needed another pay check before she could afford to move in) we agreed that if she wanted us to wait that long she was at least going to have to put down the FULL deposit amount for us to hold it that long, because we could rent to the people down the street and get a full month's rent to begin with. She agreed to pay the full deposit and meet us at the house on Saturday at 11am...this was her best day and time, not mine.

So Saturday (today) we pack up all five kids and Adam and I drive out to Modesto, where we park and let the kids watch a movie in the car while we wait...and wait. At 11:05 I call her cell just to verify that she is still coming....i get voicemail and leavea message. At 11:15 the baby is crying in the back and I step out to call her and tell her that we are only staying as long as 11:30 and if she isn't here by then she forfeits any and all contract with us. Voicemail. We're sitting in the car and Adam sees the family down the street loading things in a van. Well, I thought, there goes our only other chance for renters...they must have already found a place. I was feeling very down and Adam decides to go talk to them just to see. Turns out they were moving out their grown daughter and her friend to an apartment (so yay they really didn't have too many people living there!) and the rest of the family still needed a place! He informed them if she didn't show they were second our list (didn't have to tell them thankfully that the list was only 2 people LOL) so a few minutes later at 11:30 I called to inform the young woman she had lost her chance at the house and we were renting it to someone else. And later today we had a signed contract and first month's rent and deposit paid by the people down the street!

It was such an amazing feeling to drive home, a few kids snoring in the back, another one crying, and one who sang every song on the radio...while I smiled, knowing that the Lord had kept His word and provided a way. We are so happy that we have been blessed to be able to keep the word we were inspired to give.

And as a happy side note, we're getting our new dining room table this week...can't wait to post pics!!

(happy dance to follow.....)

Meeting the mother of your children.....

2011-02-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

We'd had this day once before, but it was over 3 years ago. But somehow I was still nervous. As Adam and I dressed for court this morning, I debated over what to wear, I'm sure my husband wondered why it was even that important, he had one nice suit, so that's what he wore. I've lost weight and I wanted to wear something that looked nice and fit right, but there was something more. This was what SHE would remember of me. Although I'll never forget seeing HER in shackles and an orange jumpsuit 3 years ago, I just felt like I wanted to look nice to show her I was a nice person....I don't know why her opinion matters...but somehow it does.

Babysitters and rides were arranged and as we left the house it almost felt like we were leaving on a really fancy date. We were dressed in our Sunday best and my husband even opened the car door for me....this was no ordinary 'date'....it was a court date. We drove to Merced in the early morning light, enjoying our moment of quiet time to talk in the car. The paper said 8:15, although court can start anytime after that. So we arrived around 8am, and waited....and waited. Our social worker came, "They'll be terminating their parental rights today, and as long as your homestudy is completed (which it is) then your adoption can be complete in as soon as 75 days." Wow, just like that she could be ours by May. This was all so much faster than Maggie's was and I was glad of that. I brought pictures of Maggie and Darla and a letter for the social worker to give to the Birth Mom. I kept worrying that she didn't know how much we loved these girls, and that maybe if she knew it might make her feel better.

Finally we were called into the court room for the case. This was the same court room we entered for Maggie's final adoption hearing 3 years ago, it was familiar and yet scary all at the same time. The social worker took her seat at a desk beyond the half wall that divided audience from staff. There was not a person in the room aside from staff so we had the entire audience area to choose from as a seat. Being the nerd I am I picked a front row seat behind the desk the social worker was at. Adam pointed out that as a cop he always sits in the last row, but since no one else was there, this was ok too :)

The door directly to our left opened and an armed guard led in the birth mom, orange jumpsuit and shackles, I had an instant flashback of that day 3 years ago. It was in a different court room, but she looked almost exactly as I'd remembered, although her hair was braided nicer today. On that day 3 years ago we sat in an audience full of social workers there for other cases and we didnt' stand out, I wondered at that time if she'd even seen me, I stared at her the whole time hoping for a moment of eye contact, I just knew if i could connect with her she would see my love for Maggie and be ok with this....as I recall I never had that moment. What I remember most was that the birth father at that hearing had stated he was wanting to get Maggie back up on his release from jail. That scared me to pieces. And I had visions of that same fear happening this time. Although nothing ever came of his "hopes" the fear that someone could take her away from us was frightening for quite some time before her adoption was complete.....would today end the same? In fear?

The birth mom shuffled in, looking almost exactly like our Maggie (except taller), feet and hands shackled, the guard directed her to a chair that happened to be directly in front of me...and I mean DIRECTLY, i could have reached out and touched her without leaving my seat. For a moment I tensed, maybe this isn't where we should sit, I whispered to Adam, but then moving would feel just as awkward, so we sat, hands held tight in complete silence. Only a half wall seperated this person, this woman, from me, a woman, a person, a mother to her children. How must that make her feel. I felt so tense and scared I was caught off guard when her lawyer sat down next to her (directly in front of Adam) and they started talking, hushed tones, but clearly meant for us to hear.

"Now you know we're here because they're going to terminate your parental rights, and there really isn't much we can do about that....do you have anything else to say?" The lawyer seemed so matter of fact, as if to say, 'you're screwed lady but if you have any final words say em now.'

She scooted forward in her seat and turned to look at me, "I know them," she started, which caught me off guard because I didn't even think she'd seen me in that court room 3 years ago,"They let my momma see the baby, she said they love her very much." We had let Darla have a visit with the grandmother a few months ago but I had no clue what she may have said to her daughter about us, I remembered worrying about that so much at the time, but had nearly forgotten it until now. "I got to see pictures of the baby," at this point it became more apparent that she wasn't saying "my baby" but rather "THE baby." "She's with her sister, they look happy." She turned to smile at me again, and when she did the lawyer handed her the pictures and letter i had brought for her, "Oh yeah these are for you, pictures and stuff."

I watched her eyes look down at these pictures, these pictures I took with my camera, these pictures where I'd smiled at them to get them to smile at the camera, these pictures that were a piece of our family, and she turned back with a smile. I have never wanted to hug a person more in my life. It was almost painful not to stand up and hug her, an ache that only got worse when she turned back to her lawyer and said "I want them to have her," nodding her head towards me, "they love her and she is happy there." A tear formed in my eye and Adam's eyes as well, it streamed silently down my face when she said "If I ever want to be the person they would like to know someday, I've gotta fix myself." I held Adam's hand so hard, because it was all i could do to keep my hand from reaching out to her.

The judge started to speak about the termination of rights and her lawyer made his statement that she was submitting to the court's request and was happy with the placement. During this brief time the mother leaned towards the birth father and said "what are you gonna say today?" I didn't hear what his response was as he was further away, and from her reaction I can only guess it was going to be the same claim he'd previously made which was to say "When I'm outta jail I want my kid back." Because she leaned as far as she could without leaving her seat and loudly whispered, "DON'T do it!! Just let her be, she's happy there, they're good people, I WANT her there!" The judge and her lawyer had by this point finished their comments and the judge turned to the birth father's lawyer for his client's statment on the case, just as he was about to speak, the father beckoned him to talk for a moment, that moment was the longest 'moment' of my life. They conversed for what felt like an hour (in actuality probably only five minutes, but in a silent courtroom it may as well have been an eternity) Then the lawyer stood back up and said, "My client, while unhappy with this situation has decided to agree to submit to the courts request to terminate rights."

She had done that, for us, for Darla, for love. She had convinced him to let it go. She turned and smiled at me after the attorney's comments with another big smile. Everytime she smiled at me I felt my soul fill my eyes with every word of love I could possibly convey through a look and a smile. I don't know that I could ever have said them out loud even if I were given the chance. In a few moments their rights were terminated, we were all dismissed and everyone stood to leave. She mouthed the words "good bye" to me I stood not wanting to leave her, feeling like I hadn't told her anything and yet everything I could have, I put my hand on the half wall and said "good bye" she placed her hand on the half wall a few inches from mine, the closest we possibly could have been given the situation, but in that moment it was like our spirits connected, mother to mother, we understood each other. Then we had to turn and walk away.

When Maggie was placed with us more than 5 years ago, all we were told about the birth mother was (in no kind terms) "She's a crack whore." These are words I would never ever use myself, but it created an image in my head of a screwed up person who couldn't love anyone but herself and her drugs even if she wanted to. Maggie was better off with us, and I held onto that image for many years. I never told Maggie anything negative about her mother, I kept it as honest as possible by simply saying (when she was old enough to understand more about adoption) that this was a person who couldn't take care of her, and so we did. But today.....today has given me the picture to forever hold in my mind of a woman who loved her children so much she was willing to give them to us to hold for her, because she knew she couldn't. A woman who understood selfless love in a way I could never imagine. And when we came home today, and I saw little Maggie, looking exactly like her birth mom, looking exactly like the face of a woman I have come to love and care for deeply, I could only hug her as hard as I would have her birth mom. And hope that one day, she'll get to hear what a great woman she is. And when I rocked Darla to sleep for a nap, I whispered to her about meeting this wonderful person, who loved her more than she'll ever know.

What a journey this has been, loving these extra children who've been added to our family, and loving the person who added them to this world. This day will live in my heart forever.....and possibly in the pages of a book describing the selfless love of a mother.....I'm going to start writing it tonight.

"new" jeans

2011-02-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

So for anyone who's been following my "weight not, want not" blog, i've been dieting for a little over a week now, 9 days to be exact. And i've lost 11 pounds! woo hoo go me! And today i finally fit into that pair of jeans that's been hanging in my closet for several years now....unworn. I wore them once i think, but i gained weight and never wore them again, i keep them thinking....someday? today is some DAY! I wore these jeans today and while i LOVE fitting into them and wearing them, i'm looking forward to a day when even they are too big. I finally came to that point in my life where i decided my health was more important than the comfort of food. I picked a diet that is working for me and i'm sticking to it something fierce! I've been tempted several times but being that i've already lost a good amount of weight i KNOW sticking to it will mean so much more to me than that few seconds of satisfaction from eating something that will not help the weight loss. I know one day i'll get to my goal weight and be able to enjoy an indulgence here and there without fear but for now i'm sticking to this, I'm loving the way i feel and am so excited to step on the scale every morning (bet you never thought you'd hear ME say that did ya?!)

So for now i am pleased wearing my near new jeans and feeling good for the first time in a long time.

button, button, who's got the button???

2011-01-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

The other day the Husband Man was changing Catcher's diaper, it was pretty stinky. "There's something in the poo...." he said.

Now why would I need to know that? There's all kinds of stuff in poo and I just don't want to know about it, seriously, i saw it going in thru the mouth i don't want to know about it coming out the other end!

"I can't tell but i think.....i think it's a button."

Excuse me? Did you say button? When did he swallow a button? How did he swallow a button? How big is the button? What color is it? Did it come off of something important....do i need to sew it back on???

"This coming from the person who didn't want to know what was in the poo....you sure have a lot of questions about what's in the poo now! And the truth is..." said while finishing the diaper change and wrapping it up to throw it away...."I don't know where it came from or what color it originally was, and unless you want to fish it out i would say you're probably not going to sew it back on because i'm going to throw it in the trash along with anything else in the poo that i might have missed!!" Sound of the swishing lid of the trash can as the dirty diaper disappears into the can with a toss.

Now I'm left to wonder, because there is certainly no way i was going to A)dig the diaper out of a trash can, or B) dig thru the poo inside the diaper to find said button. But really this was more than a day ago and I can't stop wondering how and when and what. How did it happen without me seeing? When on earth did it happen (at least 12 hours before hand probably). and what did the button come off of?? I'm wondering if i'm going to find an outfit with a missing button, or worse, if i'll be tormented by never knowing. Never knowing where the button came from, and never knowing what else could be in his diapers that doesn't get seen...dead flies off the ground, cat hair from his cuddles with the cat, or any number of other things tracked in on shoes, since now he's crawling all over the house. The love of cleaning has just been upgraded to obsession for cleaning.....I have work to do!

becoming educated

2011-01-10T21:03:00.001-08:00

I think that every moment as a parent is a teaching moment. That's quite different from what i used to think parenting would be like.....so long ago.

Before I had kids, before i was married, before i was even out of high school i used to worry....i worried that i would be a terrible mother. No this is not a lure for compliments or anything of the sort...it's the honest to goodness truth. I tend to worry about things that are no where near reality in my life and in high school i worried about if i could ever handle being responsible for a child. I had no boyfriend, there was no chance of my having a child for years and years but still the idea of being responsible for the education of another human being from day one....was just, scary. I suppose it was a weird thing for a teenage to worry about, but maybe if more did there would be less babies born to high school moms LOL. But truly the thought of making sure that this little person knew everything they needed to before kindergarten really seemed so scary, how could you fit in everything they needed to know, and how....how would you even go about doing it?

Fast Forward......it's been a good 15 years since then (not that i'm giving away my age or anything haha) and i've discovered the key.....making every moment a teaching moment. Proof is my two year old, and how did she get so smart? I'd love to take the credit truly i would....but it's my 5 and 6 year olds who have been her teachers. Everytime katie doesn't know how to do something her big sisters jump at the chance to teach her. It came instinctively with my first child to want to show and teach her everything because she was my only one and it was somewhat easy....but when you have 5, those teaching moments aren't always so easy to come by.....unless you look a little closer. Katie held up a big pink eraser and asked aloud to anyone who would listen "what's this?" The answer could simply be...."eraser" , but then there is a moment while her brain is open to the answer where you can put more in there than the simplest answer. I told her it was a pink eraser, and that is was a rectangle. She rolled that word around in her mouth several times before it came back out right. That was yesterday.

Today while i was changing a baby diaper katie came up with a stack of blocks and proudly pronounced...."Look mommy, it's a rectangle....and I made it!" Amazing how one little answer to a question sent her on a quest today to find more ways to understand what she had learned.

A mind is an amazing thing, it's like the more you learn the more you can learn....if my strange mind makes sense to anyone else. I mean our brains are a muscle and if you exersize the muscle it becomes stronger and then can be worked even harder. Sometimes as a mom i worry that i'm not exersizing my mind enough (as is apparent by my unapologetic misuse of capitalization and often puncuation) and i don't want it to wither and waste away from the extensive amount of knowledge it once held. So for my mental workouts i'm finding new ways to make learning fun for my kids.....new ways to make every moment a teaching moment. I've also started collecting math and science books, there's something so interesting about relearning something as an adult that as a child i don't think i appreciated enough. I find myself reading math books for fun, and ok so i know that's weird, but it feels so invigorating!

The missionaries commented on my collection of math books the other day when they were here for dinner. I don't quite have an explanation, except to say that learning is such an amazing thing, whether it's learning something new for yourself, or relearning something you once knew or helping someone else learn for the first time simply because you can.....learning is a wonderful thing. An amazing blessing it is to be able to learn anytime we want, i learned how to do braided extension corn rows on my black daughter's hair...from youtube . I taught my 6 year old how to play UNO and the 5 year old caught on just from watching. My 2 year old knows all her shapes and colors and most numbers and sometimes i'm not sure what else until it just pops out of her little mouth. My little Catcher is learning to crawl and is so proud of each inch closer he gets to his goal. Darla is learning to smile. Every age has something to teach us.....what did you learn today?

Through the eyes of a Mother

2011-01-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

I don't suppose i will ever understand how my family must appear to other people. Today while in modesto for a few random errands, we stopped at costco. I really only needed two things, to print some pictures from our digital camera (for the frames my husband already put up on the walls of our NEW house!) and i was out of my favorite soda and costco really has the best price on it. So while waiting for our pictures to finish we wandered around costco, sampling the samples and looking at EVERY thing in the store. I had Darla's carseat sideways in the giant cart so there was still room for the diaperbag and the soda i was buying. Catcher and Katie were sitting in the buckled kid seating area and Maggie and Elaine were walking beside holding onto the prespecified part of the cart. (i prespecified a certain spot on the cart that no matter which kid is walking they ALWAYS know where their hand should be at all times, makes the liklihood of loosing one slightly lower) So it was no big deal to me really, all kids were happy but man you should have seen the stares. And if i had a dime for every person who says to me "wow, you've got your hands full," i could pay for the college of the children making my hands so full! Then there's always the random person who asks, "how...how....just how?" i assume that is in regards to the two little ones not just the overall number of children. And my answer is, "i just do," because really that's all i can say. Then the question i hate the most is "are you babysitting?" now that could either be because even if they assumed i could have birthed a child with such gorgeous dark skin after my peachie babes, there would not really be any way to have had two little ones so close together (well i'm sure there's a way but i hope never to know it) ......OR.....they are completely dumb founded as to how a woman obviously related to the pink kids can also possibly be related to the more chocolately bunch....and even though the answer is obvious to me, i suppose to other people the thought never possibly enters their mind that these beautiful children ALL belong to me and it's not any concern of theirs how they ended up in my loving arms. My answer to the babysitting question is "nope, all mine" said with a large smile and no offer of further explanation.

Then Catcher at one point became tired and wanted a bottle. So i found the most out of the way place possible in Costco (which really doesn't exist) and got the diaper bag to put formula in a bottle of water and give it to him. He cried while i was making it but crying has become such a normality in my life that it honestly doesn't bother me anymore and i forget sometimes that it must bother other people terribly. A woman eyed me across the sweaters and walked over "i feel compelled to ask if there's anything i can do to help..." and while i'm sure she was genuinely sincere in her offer there really wasn't much help needed which schocks people that one woman can handle two babies under one, and terrible (but cute) 2 year old and two older know it alls who want everything in the store. I finished the bottle gave it to Catcher and the crying stopped "thanks for the offer but we're fine." then of course followed the inevitable question of ages and the babysitting question and then of course it was followed up by the how question. Each answered with their previously prepared answers and she left in utter awe of the children.....5 adorable children, all quiet and content...who'd have thought it were possible :)

I look at each of my children and just see...my children. I just see how much i love each of them, and that love is the same no matter what color they are or how they arrived in our family. I wish others could understand that i don't look at my kids and see color or difference, each of my kids looks the same to me, 2 eyes that look with wonder and curiousity, a nose that needs wiping over 80% of their childhood years, a smile that makes everything in the world seem possible and perfect in that moment, 2 hands that touch my hair and face and heart with each hug. I see each child the same, they're all mine, and that's all anyone needs to know.

**As a side note i should say that they are not ALL technically MINE as yet, Darla will be ours around our anniversary if all goes according to plan (May of this year). Court date on February 22 to terminate her parents rights and start our adoption filing, just to clarify.**

....Discovered while unpacking a thousand boxes.....

2010-12-17T11:37:00.000-08:00

It's amazing the things you discover while unpacking boxes. Some of these boxes I think may have been packed since our LAST move three years ago because there just wasn't anywhere in the old house to put them. I came across a box that had photos from college and i just happened to find it while my old roommate from college, Kim, was here helping me, so we got to reminisce for a few minutes.....that was fun. In that same box was a journal, one of a million of mine. I almost tossed it aside as one of the many journals of poems and stories i had but when i opened it up and saw the "title page" i had to take a moment to peruse thru it. It was my "wedding journal." after seeing the title page i glanced at the cover again and remembered i had purchased it because the flowers on the front were my wedding colors, spring pastels. On the pages of the journal were notes on everything, pictures i'd cut out of magazines, business cards for florists and caterers, and dress designers. Then next to each was my note of whether i was going to use them or how i knew them. There was the picture of my wedding dress that i'd cut out of a magazine and written "This is the one i want!!" we ended up seeing it in the window of the first dress shop we went to.....and i did wear it on my wedding day :) There were sketches in there by the alterationist and the florist. There were all kinds of dates of when i bought my dress and pictures from valentines day....our first together, while we were still engaged. And in the back were pages and pages of writing, i began reading it and found it was where i had written the story of how we'd met. The story of meeting my husband still feels like a fairy tale to me. I love him so much and yet he's always reminding me that he said "i love you" first to he gets to love me more :) Maybe sometime i'll post that story on here, just in case anything ever happens to that journal.
It's funny how over the years my story gets simplified more and more, we met on a friday and by monday we knew we wanted to get married. Sounds pretty simple, but there's so many little things i had forgotten until reading it in my own words. I'm so glad i wrote that. And that is exactly why journals are so important, even if we only write about the big things in life, over the years things get forgotten and we can all learn from the past, even from our own past, so by writing it down we can go back and re-read in our own words what emotions filled our hearts at each event. That's what i see when i read my journal....the emotion i felt when i was writing it. I love writing, and this has inspired me to find more time to do more of it.
On a side note, if one of my daughters at 20 years old decides that a boy she met three days ago is the man she's going to marry.....i might have to go back and read my own writing to remember how it feels to be her instead of wanting to lock her in a closet until she comes to her senses..........

Moving Day

2010-12-02T09:51:00.001-08:00

It's not officially moving day...yet. Tomorrow though the house will be emptied except for our sleeping bags on the floor (well the babies still get their beds at least). Saturday we will unload in our new house......and hopefully the last house for a very long time.

So much has led up to this day I can't believe it's all finally happening.

Right now my house is full of boxes and is a big cluttered mess as everything is being prepped to be moved out, something that should make me insanely stressed. But somehow....i'm not.

It seems like the closer we get to this move, the more chaotic the house gets, the more calm i seem to be getting. I'm trying to understand it that's why i'm writing about it. I normally tend to be quite short tempered (a problem i am continually working on) especially with the kids, with this many pulling me in every direction i feel like i never fully give complete attention to any one at a time and that drives me bonkers! But somehow today it's like i remembered how to let go again. Letting go is something that Adam told me i should work on when we decided to say yes to Darla, it was his only concern about taking her on. And i agreed, and in the beginning letting go was easy because there was just no possible way to do it all so i didn't really try. But over the two months (or close to it) that have passed insanely fast the old me has crept back in, the one who still thinks i should be able to do it all ....i.e. clean house, clean kids, happy kids, perfect family .....uhm yeah a little bit unreasonable given ....well....LIFE! So every once in a while i have to get humbled, it's like that pride cycle they're always teaching us about from the scriptures. When the people (or mom) is humbled by the stress and chaos they (she) remembers to rely on the Lord, then He in turn sends blessings for their (her) diligent prayers, things start going so well that they (she) forget to pray because they (she) don't need it as much as before, and then wouldn't you know it, things start to fall apart again, so much that they (she) are humbled due to how crappy things end up going with out relying on Him. As you can see i am in the humbled part of this cycle....I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad LOL. But at the moment I never forget my prayers, it's the only thing giving me hope that the next day can be better.....and so far it has been.

Today I have spoken only kind words to my children (and honestly i wish i could say that of everyday of their lives.....but sadly i can't) I have tried my hardest to understand Maggie's strange issues with sitting in the bathtub (this really deserves an indepth blog post...maybe later) and didn't get upset at her about it all thru the crazy time known as "bathtime." I had two babies crying at once today and it honestly did not even phase me.....maybe i'm just getting used to the fact that they often both need me at the same time, or maybe i'm just too sleep deprived to care (LOL) either way, it's a blessing not to be stressing about it. I dealt with one, when taken care of and happy, i dealt with the other, within a half hour i had two sleeping babies instead of two crying babies. I can appreciate the crazy chaos around here because it means that in a matter of days we'll be starting a new chapter in the book of life, the one where we have enough room to breathe in a house with plenty of room for us all. I am grateful for the chaos, it means moving day has finally arrived.

Ode to a House

Dear house,
Your doors were protecting,
your floors were firm
your walls were enclosing
our time here short term.

Your size was comfortable
then your size became tight.
your size was unbearable
the time now is right....

For us to move on
to house that's our size.
From one that's a pawn
to one more King size

It isn't without remorse
our departure from you
More than a house you've been of course
A HOME is what we've called you.

Full of Thankful giving

2010-11-26T10:08:00.001-08:00

I was dreading thanksgiving....just a little bit. We're living out of suitcases and boxes so of course i wasn't going to cook here at home (luckily i never really have to do the holiday meals here) but we didn't exactly have fancy clothes to wear and with this many kids every day is a chance for pure bliss or unbridled chaos.....sometimes a little of both. The Thanksgiving festivities began on Wednesday where we had a pre-Turkey day dinner with my dad and step mom and my sister. It was really nice. My dad hooked up a slide show of old family pictures on his TV and my kids got the hugest kick out of seeing old pictures of us and them too. Katie thinks every picture of her is just precious hehe. They got to love on their Auntie Beef and be read story after story by the adoring grandparents (Grand Dad and Nana are their official titles :)

Katie had a bit of a meltdown at dinner which i thought might ruin things but she went to the corner and screamed for a bit but when i sat her down one on one and talked to her....she dealt with her problem and moved on.....wow! And Catcher had gotten a bit cranky at one point which can also spoil an evening. But thanks to some serious routine i was able to get him to take a short "naplet" which charged him up enough to make it thru the rest of the evening. Auntie Beef raced us in the mini van (they kids think this is the most hillarious thing ever) and we almost let her win.....then we pulled ahead to steal the prize! the kids laughed almost the whole way home. I love to hear them laugh....

Then Thanksgiving day......another day that could turn out any number of ways with this many little ones. surely i couldn't have two good days in a row.....or could i? Auntie Beef took the big kids to see Tangled, i was a little concerned how Katie might do because her behavior in the movies can be a bit frustrating at times. However the post-movie report is that all three did fantastic including the Katie kat! (a little pop corn goes a long way :) So while they were all at the movies i had just two babies at home, you'd think that was a break, but of course it wasn't. I kept trying to get myself ready and every moment i turned around one of the babies needed or wanted something. But Catcher sat in his high chair in front of a baby einstein DVD and was thuroughly entertained thru the whole thing! (shower time for mommy yay!) He even got in TWO naps before we headed over to Grandma and Boppy's (Adam's parents) house. Those two naps were all it took from 2pm till we left after 6:30 to keep him happy the WHOLE time!! The older kids played with their cousins, and Darla took a nap on my in-laws bed almost the whole entire time we were there! It was the easiest time i've had with all five of them in ......well ever i think! Not to mention the food was DIVINE!!! Adam and I had talked about doing thanksgiving at our own house next year but i'm not sure i want to miss out on my mother in law's cooking!!

And yet our thanksgiving celebrating isn't over yet!!! Last night my friend Christine and I braved the mall at midnight, with nearly ever other resident of Modesto also in attendance, or at least that's how it felt! I bought what i went for and did get it cheaper than it was when i looked at it earlier in the week. We laughed at the crazy people waiting in lines hours long just to get into a store (wow!) and headed home. Darla woke up right as i was getting home and i fed her and she promptly went right back to sleep (yes!) so i went to bed at around 2am which was really not bad at all......now today we get to have another Turkey day meal with my mom and her family. Looking forward to another fun day of food but wondering if this luck will really hold...can we really have a third day in a row of goodness? Here's hoping so!

Thank you for my Husband,
He's the most amazing spouse,
He loves our FIVE children
And bought me a NEW HOUSE!

Thank you for Elaine
and of course for Maggie May
Thank you for Katie
and Catcher on this thanksgiving day

Thank you for a tiny blessing
straight from You above
Thank you for little Darla
who's taught us more about love

Thank You for each breath I take
and for my eye sight too
Thank You for the ability
I have to say this to you.

So much to be thankful for
The list has never an end
The one thing i know for sure
Each came from you....my Heavenly Friend.

Just you wait.....

2010-11-16T12:39:00.000-08:00

Darla is not even two months but I still get people telling me "Just you wait until she's older...what if she looks just like Maggie??"

Catcher is 8 months old and we're always getting told "Just wait till he's older and he can play sports!!"

Elaine is 6....going on 21, and we're always hearing "Just wait till she's older....she's an amazing dancer, I bet she'll be a wonderful ballerina."

Katie is 2 she is so full of attitude and smarts and everyone says "just you wait...she's going to do so well in school!"

then there's Maggie. She is smart, and beautiful and head strong and articulate and athletic and the worst "Just You Wait..." is "Just you wait till she's a teenager!" and for all you "Just you wait"ers out there...I will wait thank you very much because otherwise what is the point of right now? So here's my right now....right now....again.

Right now, Catcher is rolling on the floor babbling

Right now, Katie is snuggled up with Daddy watching cartoons

Right now, Elaine is in school....doing great in every subject.

Right now, Darla is sleeping, one of her twenty naps a day, i love that!

Right now, Maggie is throwing a fit in her room....and i'm not yelling about it....this is a major moment because right now, i'm learning to let it go.

Don't mind us we're just the baby snatchers....

2010-11-13T00:51:00.001-08:00

We spent some time at the mall this evening letting the kids run around after eating dinner at Johnny Carino's. A cute little asian girl was playing with Maggie and Elaine and I heard Elaine mention (as she ALWAYS does) that Maggie was her sister. Look at this picture and you will see why this little girl was a bit confused.....

I look at it and see two of my beautiful daughters, the asian girl was confused and said "she can't be your sister." Elaine politely said "but she is!" so then Katie came up and Elaine pointed out "this is my other sister too!"....."But she's not brown?!" said the girl....."Oh yeah and she's my sister too" as Elaine pointed to Darla whom i was holding. Now this poor girl was very confused....she looked at me and said "is that true? are they all sisters..." I shoke my head yes "but they're not all the same color?" I took this learning opportunity and asked the little girl "Have you ever heard of adoption." she said yes but the confusion on her face meant she really didn't understand it.

I explained: "Adoption is where we take little children who need a home and make them a part of our family forever."

She looked very scared and said "So you find lost children and take them????"

I freaked....I thought i was helping this little girl understand adoption and apparently i made her think i steal children LOL "Go ask your mommy what adoption is" was all i could think to say, i didn't want to keep talking to her and make her worry i was gonna steal her lol....i don't have an asian one yet.

Shopping....and other deadly activities.

2010-11-11T14:43:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I need to stop going anywhere by myself with all five kids....especially SHOPPING!!!! ARGG! I just wanted to pick up a few things, Elaine has outgrown almost all her pants, so we needed pants for her, Maggie had to hand down a ton of PJ's to Katie and was feeling bummed so i said i'd buy her a new pair of PJ's (add to the list) and Catcher I am fast discovering with the recent cold weather....has very few warm clothes and long pants (so add pants for him to the list too) and Darla needs more pajama sleepers in her tiny little size....the only one who didn't need a piece of clothing was Katie.

Adam went back to work today for a few hours and the kids were going nuts cooped up in the house, especially since we've been doing so much packing that there are very few toys out to play with. I thought i'd just take them all out shopping with me....how bad could it be? ..........big mistake.

All three girls sit in the back of the minivan together, Katie in a car seat next to one side, Maggie in a booster seat next to the other window and Elaine in the middle. Poor Elaine is so squished in between the two that everytime she moves one of them complains she's invading their space which if they really looked at it from any other perspective they'd see they have way more space than she does.....so there was constant fighting over that. Then when we got to the store i thought we'd try (i put the babies in the double stroller) we discovered that the stroller really didn't fit in their aisles at all and Katie wanted to run all over the store because the aisles were too thin for her to stay holding on to the stroller (which usually works quite well). Then there was the little mommy (elaine) constantly telling Maggie and Katie what to do because they weren't behaving exactly as mommy had asked and she felt the need to remind them in a very rude tone over and over which made them mad so they were rude back.....a never ending viscious cycle. Catcher sits in the back of the stroller and he was hanging out as far as possible to reach anything within range. many clothes pulled down and off of hangers (luckily Elaine took care of that by going along behind him and picking up whatever he pulled down) Darla, who was in the front of the stroller buckled into her carseat, suddenly became very unconsollable. I thought i was doing so well by having everyone fed and older kids go to the bathroom before we left....but i didn't change diapers. I picked up Darla and she was happy while being held but did not need a diaper....apparently just wanted to be held. So i'm walking along holding tiny little darla, pushing a giant double stroller with Cathcher hanging over the edge grabbing things as we walk, Elaine following behind picking up what Catcher drops, and Maggie and Katie chasing and hitting each other. I must have looked like a crazy woman for taking my kids out! I didn't even find what i was looking for. I have decided that Internet shopping is my new best friend.....I don't think i'll ever leave the house again LOL Things like this happen all the time when i take all five out by myself and yet i still think it will get better...someday maybe it will.

To make it better i think i finally got my Christmas shopping done, did most of it online, even had some shipped straight the recipients for free! Woo Hoo! Here's hoping it doesn't get lost in the move :)

Daddy got his arm cut off....and other mis statements

2010-11-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

Today Adam had his first shoulder surgery, once he recovers he'll be having the other one done. Though after going thru this I'm not sure he'll be looking forward to the second one as much as he was looking forward to this first one. Adam has never had surgery of any kind and has very rarely ever even been poked by a needle so he was just looking forward to having this surgery and his shoulder feeling better. I think he forgot about the fun little step in between.....recovering from surgery. I tried to explain to him what surgery feels like, how you really do blink and suddenly it's over and you're disoriented and you hurt and you feel like you've been run over by a train.....but until you actually experience it you just can't understand it. Now he does.

We went to the hospital at 9am his surgery was at 11:55 (dang long wait!) and he was in surgery for an hour and a half, exactly what the doctor said it would be. Thankfully there was no tendon damage from the calcified bone pieces floating around in the joint. We got to see pictures of the bone spur being shaved down and everything (ouch!) so he was in recovery at 1:30pm....they told us he'd be in there from an hour to at the longest 2 hours. So after an hour the nurse comes out and tells me he's having trouble waking up, seems really tired so he'll probably take the full two hours. At two hours she comes out again to tell me he still isn't very awake. She said she'd look at him and he'd say "yeah i'm awake," then she'd turn around and when she turned back he was snoring again. Story of his life! Adam is the worst for slow wake ups in the morning. Never really has been a morning person, though he thrives working nights. So I waited and waited and waited some more. Finally at 5pm i call back to recovery and inquire because i hadn't heard anything for a while. They said he'd been nauseous and they were trying to get that under control. But they figured he could go home. so finally I get him home at 6pm......what a day. Because in the meantime of all the surgery drama is the kid drama.

Elaine and Maggie still had school today so I arranged to have them picked up by Grand Dad (my dad) who would take care of them for the day. So that leaves me with the 2 year old and both babies. I was NOT going to have Katie at the hospital with me because even if the surgery and recovery had been short....it would have been way too long for her. (let's face it she's 2 and she's good at it!) So luckily my wonderful friend Christine (who also happens to only live right down the street) was able to watch her for me. I packed her a bag with treats and toys and some movies but in all reality i had NO idea how long the day would be....so i sent her off with Christine and apparently they had a great time! So that left me with two little babies. I didn't even try to find a sitter. Having two sitters was enough, trying to parcel out the babies would have been too much work because for one thing i wouldn't dare pawn them both off to the same person, it's hard enough for me taking care of them both all day i wouldn't ask someone else too. And Darla is still a foster child until the adoption is complete so she has to be cared for by licensed foster providers.....i don't know too many of those. So i just took both babies and loaded up the double stroller with everything i could think of for them. I thought it was overkill that i brought 6 bottles with us but...just in case. And thank goodness i did! We came home with only one unused bottle! Dang those babies can eat! Another wonderful blessing is that my mom was able to drop everything and come help me at the hospital with the babies. It's one thing having them both at home, but trying to have both of them happy and cared for while out and about is quite hard. I don't like when other people have to listen to my crying babies, and i don't have all the comforts of home for them, like their own beds to sleep in and the swing to rock in and a whole room for Catcher to roll and play in. But let me tell you with my mom's help those babies had quite an amazing day! Really hardly even any crying. They were just wonderful.

At the end of the day i felt so bad for the poor Husband Man, he was hit much harder by the whole surgery ordeal than he thought he would be. He was really looking tired and worn out when we got home. So after all the kids were in bed (each and every one asleep by 7:30pm!!!!!!!!) I only have one poor baby left awake.....the husband man. :(

Oh and the title of this blog is because when i was trying to explain to the kids why they can't climb on daddy and why it hurts i needed them to know that it was more than a scratch or a boo boo, so i told them the dr had to cut open daddy's shoulder to fix the inside of it. Elaine said "Did they sew it back on yet?" I said that they had sewed it back up and when katie started to climb on daddy's leg like she was going to climb on daddy, elaine shouted "NO DON'T! You might hurt daddy where his arm got cut off!" I then had to sit down and explain a little more that it was never cut off, i didn't want her going to her teacher tomorrow and saying her daddy got his arm cut off LOL....i can just imagine the note home haha. But seriously, his arm is still attached, and at the moment pain is under control...we'll see how it goes from here.

It's not as bad as you think....

2010-11-06T00:09:00.000-07:00

You know people keep saying how hard it must be to have two babies so close in age....like twins, but not. Actually it's amazing what it can do for my ability to handle situations. Catcher is at a GREAT age, he is 8 months old and can feed himself a bottle and likes to play by himself and is mobile on the floor and sleeps 12 hours at night. Just a wonderful little guy right now. But it is still very fresh in my mind the awful early stages of colic-like behavior and sleeping and feeding difficulties and what not. So while I'm listening to Darla scream for 2 hours straight (of course not knowing why but doing everything humanly possibly to pacify her) I am actually finding it quite easy to deal with. Which is very strange for me. Because she is awake at 12am and screaming, but Catcher who did this exact same thing at about this exact same age, is now sleeping soundly in his bed...it makes it easy to know that this is just a phase and it will pass...and life will go on, maybe not for a few months...but it will. That somehow makes it all not as bad as you might think. Having kids close together is kinda nice, i get to have the tiny baby loves and the bigger baby fun stuff.....when i look at my 8 month old boy and wonder where the time went when he used to be so tiny, i can cuddle the one who is still tiny. And when I get bored with a tiny baby who usually just eats and sleeps and poops with not even a smile in between, I can go to my 8 month old who smiles and squeals with delight when i enter a room and his whole body gets excited all the way down to his toes and i know i am loved for all the months of work so far and years to come. So much to look forward to with Darla, but makes me appreciate even the annoying screaming fits at 12 am because i know they won't last forever just like her tininess won't either. Loving it all.....right now.

What is NORMAL anyway?

2010-11-05T08:15:00.001-07:00

My normal is KNOWING my house is going to be a mess everyday.
but THINKING I might get it clean today....

My normal is ALWAYS having a child in trouble for something.
but NEVER missing the "i forgive you hug" afterwards...

My normal is WISHING for two minutes by myself in the day.
but HOPING for one of the kids to ask to cuddle with me....

My normal is WANTING my kids to have everything they ever want.
but GIVING them everything they need...

My normal is HAVING the most amazing life I could have possibly imagined.
but TAKING every day as a precious gift....

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As you can see i've been dwelling on what "normal" really means. It's a word i've begun to dread. People use it as a way to describe how "everyone" should be. Like saying everyone should wear the same size jeans.....uhm no. So sometimes it gets exchanged with the word "average" which instead implies none of us are striving for higher....we're just a "C" grade in a math class......uhm no there also. So i figured to me normal means the things you are used to in your life, that feel like 'normal' things to YOU. I wanted to sit down and write what my normal was, because just as a Testimony grows each time you share it, so to does your appreciate for the 'normal' and mundane in your own life. At least i think so. So normal to me may be chaos to someone else, but it's my chaos and i LOVE it. I have an AMAZING husband who supports the normality of chaos in our household and treats me like i'm handling it so wonderfully when i know i'm really not. I just wanted to take a minute to appreciate the normal in my life.....what's the normal in yours?

To Love

2010-11-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

To Love

To Love is to hold a child for the first time
to love is to hold a hand for the last time

to love is to laugh out loud at nothing
to love is to sit in a thunderous silence

to love is to carry you anywhere you need to go
to love is to wait for your eventual return

to love is to have a thousand words to say
to love is to say it all with a kiss

to love is to be so full of emotion it leaks out in tears
to love is to have cried so much you can't cry any more....and then you do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess i'm feeling poetic tonight. I haven't written a poem in so many years i apologize to anyone who reads this and goes......uhm yeah.

I'm thinking about what it means to love a child, I'm struggling to understand other people. To me each one of my children is a precious gift from God, each having arrived in such a unique way, with a story to tell from the moment i learned of their existence.

Darla has been with us for almost a month now and I told myself that this time adoption would be different. That i wouldn't hold back anything from the moment she arrived. With Maggie, Adam and I were in such unfamiliar territory (pertaining to foster adoption) that we didn't know how to feel right away. It's scary to love someone who could be ripped away at a moments notice if the family decided they wanted her back. So we cared for her and loved her as best we could without loving her fully and completely right away. Well for me that only lasted a few weeks before i had to let go and just love her cause she was so dang cute and tiny, but still a part of me wanted to keep her at arm's distance to protect myself from the hurt that could happen if she were given back to her birth family. You see part of me also hurt for the family, not necessarily the birth parents who were living in their own mistakes and couldn't see their way out of them even for a helpless child, but for the extended family who at any moment could decide they wanted this tiny baby. Obviously you know the outcome is that no one ever stepped forward, Maggie was adopted by us in a process that took almost two years (long story) and in the end i hated myself for not just loving her 100% from day one. But that was then.....this is now. Now Darla is in our family, Darla is my 5th child, my precious tiny wonder. She has such bright eyes and a sweet spirit. I loved her the moment i held her.....for that matter i loved her the moment we decided to say "yes." I have told myself that no matter what happens....it is never wrong to love a child. Even if that means loving them in someone else's arms.

A social worker called yesterday to set up a visit for Darla with her grandmother....which makes this person also Maggie's grandmother (by birth.) I find myself wondering why she never visited Maggie when she was born.....but at the same time feeling glad that it shows a sign that someone in the family cares. I'm torn in so many different directions. If I were that grandmother I would want to see her, but then i also would have wanted to see Maggie too, and all of the other 6 children besides these two (yes can you believe that?) I find myself stressing internally, wondering if this means she wants to petition for custody. I suppose it's a possibility. And if i allow myself to consider the chance that she could get custody of her I would have to say that it still wasn't wrong to love her this much from the first moment, it has fostered a strong and healthy child who will grow and blossom from such a wonderful start. But a piece of my heart breaks at the thought of my child being gone.....I can't imagine, and I'm going to stop imagining because it's hard to type when you're crying.

Now to clarify, I have discussed with the social worker the whole scenario....what if this grandmother wants to petition for custody? She says that ultimately it is up to the social workers to decide what the best permanent placement for the child is and that they would side (most likely) with US, because we would adopt her and we are young and she has a full sibling here. But there's a part of my brain that wants to play this out in every way possibly, which often ends in a worst case scenario.

The visit is tomorrow and although i find myself in emotional unrest over the possible implications, I also want to do everything I can to help the family know that I am not the enemy because we have their children in our family. That we are a loving family who wants only the best for these children (and all of our children.) I'm going to write them a letter, mostly it will tell about how well Darla and Maggie are doing, and how much they're loved. I still have no idea exactly how i'll word it or what I'll say, but i needed this moment to put together all my thoughts and to get some emotion out before i write it. I only hope that I can be strong enough to handle whatever God's plan for Darla is.....she's a part of us now and we can't imagine life without her.....hopefully we'll never have to.

blue sky thru the clouds

2010-10-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was pretty much the most insane i think it's been around here since adding baby number 5.....f....i...v....e....5!! Sometimes it's still weird to say that i need more practice hehe.

At several points during the day there were multiple kids crying for multiple reasons. Both babies were wanting to be held most of the day (which holding both is quite a chore let me tell you!) and Katie was just plain cranky and could have used a nap but of course didn't get one. Maggie was just t r o u b l e all day long, if my back was turned she was getting into some kind of mischeif. I keep telling myself that maybe when she's older that will translate well into a "healthy" curiousity for learning.....wishful thinking maybe but i can hope. I found myself looking at her wishing she were five years older just to get her out of this phase, and looking at Katie wishing she were only a few years older to be past this cranky all afternoon phase she's got going on. And Elaine....well Elaine is always a peacemaker but yesterday she kept getting beat up on by Katie so she had to cry about that ever five minutes. I found myself looking forward to just bedtime at that point. That was a much more reasonable time to look forward to than years down the road. And normally if i can just stretch my patience and calm until bedtime i'll get several hours by myself before the babies wake up to eat and then after they do i can actually sleep.......Usually anyway.

So once it was dinner time i felt like i was homefree.....after dinner we'd do a nice lazy bedtime routine and scoot them off to bed. But of course it couldn't go that easy could it? I put dinner on the table (so thankful for the crockpot who did all the work) and Katie took one look at it and decided she didn't like it. Without even a bite. I told her she had to at least taste it (sometimes that actually leads to eating it all) two bites was my only requirement then if she wanted to be hungry that is her choice and no candy afterwards if she didn't eat. Usually that is enough to scare any of the kids into eating at least two bites. But not my stubborn Katie Kat. I told her it was two bites or bed.....those were the only options. (it was 6pm anyway so only an hour before bedtime anyway) so she promptly got down from the table and went to put on pj's to go to bed. Was she really deciding to go to bed over 2 measly bites? Well i'd made the threat so i had to go thru with it. Maggie has pushed this argument several times and has learned to at least take two bites for fear of the early bed time. But Katie apparently needed an object lesson. So i offered her several times the option of going back to take those two bites instead of putting on pj's.....nope. 2 bites instead of brushing teeth......nope. Well brushing teeth was the point of no return.....time for bed. She screamed in bed all the way thru the rest of us eating dinner.......she screamed in bed all the way thru singing and story time......and thru the older girls brushing teeth and didn't stop until finally everyone was in bed. I figured she must be tired so at least she'll sleep well. ......and then finally after the babies went down i had a moment of freedom. But it was only a moment......

I think that some mean spirits who are hanging around for halloween possessed my children last night. Because bedtime was only the beginning. EVERY child was up several times last night ......both older girls came in at seperate times complaining of bad dreams. Katie woke up at 2am and was so sure it was morning she went to the table and demanded breakfast. Then after being put back to bed (after a stop at the potty) she screamed for ten minutes about needing to flush the potty (apparently a step she missed) Her screaming woke up Catcher who was inconsolable for hours after that. Darla woke up 3 times to eat last night when normally she wakes up once. It was just the night that wouldn't end. I felt like it was a continuation of the day that wouldn't end yesterday. So now you're probably as tired from reading all of this as i was from living it.....just when i thought today was going to be a continuation of yesterday....there was a break in the clouds hanging over the house. An angel showed up at the door. Cassandra Briscoe from our ward at church. I answered the door and all she said was "I'm here to watch your kids.....go to bed." I could have cried. I finished up what i was doing with dishes while she picked up Maggie at Kindergarten and then i really actually went to bed. It was the most relaxing sleep i've had in quite some time. No baby sleeping in my room, no monitor on to listen for Catcher, and i had music on to drown out the noise of children in the living room with Cassandra. And i slept......sheesh i could have slept all day! But just a nap was the most amazing battery recharge i could have had. So even though this blog sounds like me whining and complaing about the craziness in our lives.....it's also about the blessed angels who come in to lift us up even if only for a 2 hour nap.

After my nap i have a whole new perspective on my kids right now, no more looking at tomorrow, or next year or five years. Just about right now.

Right Now
Katie is singing to Catcher

Right Now
Catcher is smiling and giggling.

Right Now
Maggie (who is supposed to be in the corner) is pretending to be a chicken and cluck, while still keeping her nose in the corner (it is quite hillarious)

Right Now
Elaine is clapping for Katie's song and helping her make up a dance for it.

Right Now
Darla is cuddled up in bed watching her favorite thing.....the ceiling fan spinning.

Right Now
My children are entertained enough for me to have the 20 minutes it's taken me to post this.

Right Now
I get to be a mom to FIVE amazing children

Right Now
I get to be married to the most wonderful Husband Man on the planet

Right Now
I get to be loved by the most wonderful Husband Man on the planet

Right Now
I get to wear fuzzy pink slippers

Right Now
All is perfect.

What is going on in your life Right Now??

Catcher caught a cold

2010-10-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

Elaine had a cold a few weeks ago and it was inevitable that the whole family would catch it. Of course all of the children have it first and worst. Adam and I will probably get it in another week but so far have not suffered it's yucky side effects! Catcher seems to have it the worst which is unexpected given Darla's prematurity i thought for sure she would have it worse. Catcher's lungs have always been his weak point and the cold went straight for them. He's been wheezing today and a little more cranky so we decided to give him a breathing treatment which we kind of dreaded because when Katie used to get them she's scream the whole time (at least it opened up her airways!)

Catcher had been crying and generally cranky for hours before we broke out the machine. We figured he couldn't get much crankier than he already was. Somehow though, once we put it on him he calmed right down and sat perfectly still for the whole treatment! He loved it! he kept trying to suck in the mist with his tongue. He was cooing and talking with the mask on it was the cutest thing so we had to get a picture. He is such a little sweetheart....if we'd known this was going to calm him down we would have tried it hours ago LOL

The blessing of Answered Prayers!

2010-10-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

It has seemed that from the moment we decided to take a leap of faith and say yes to taking baby Darla into our family....that we have been blessed in so many ways! The same week she was placed with us we found a perfect house and went into escrow that same week also. That was something we had been praying about for quite sometime and we tried to just have faith that the right house would come along...eventually. Each time we thought we'd found a good deal or a good house things would just fall out of synch and not work out. We held strong on the hope and faith in His plan for our family. And when Darla was placed with us we realized that the other houses wouldn't have worked out and we ended up being glad not to have gotten them. And now we were able to focus in on what was really important and find the RIGHT house for our family! From early on in our house hunting I kept praying and hoping that we could find a house that was not for sale by a bank. It just felt like that would be the best thing, that we could buy from a person who cared about us and our story and why their house meant so much and as such would WANT to sell it to us. And that is exactly what we found! The woman we are buying from is so wonderful and kind and we are so excited to be dealing with her....such a blessing!

Here we are only days away from closing escrow already.....DAYS! It's scary how fast it is upon us, and closing costs are coming along with it. We have been trying to sell our motorcycle for a while now without luck. We posted it on craigslist again but this time rediculously cheap in an effort just to give ourselves a cushion after closing costs. I posted the ad several days ago and still no response. Well yesterday I prayed very straight forward, about Adam's concern for the money cushion and that selling the motorcycle would really help that. Out of the blue last night we got a call about the bike and then this morning another call and an email....even though the ad has been on for several days it wasn't responded too until after my prayer. Some people may see a happy coincidence....i see a little more. God's hand has been apparent in our lives so much and we are so grateful for all of the blessings poured out upon us. It is amazing to see our prayers answered!

We were scared at first to take on another child with our youngest still being so young, but it continued to feel like the right thing to do. Not to mention the fact that i had always strangely felt that we should have five kids and had mentioned more than once that maybe later on down the road we should adopt our fifth child (of course i meant more like 5 or more years down the road...but hey who's counting :) I just can't help but express to anyone who will listen that I know there is a God, that I know he answers prayers. That with a little faith exercised miracles can happen! Darla has been a blessing in our lives in so many ways we could never have imagined. I was praying for a peace and calmness to be able to handle five kids and while there is still stress it's like i've gained a whole new strength to handle it that i didn't know could exist. I feel like this has opened communication between our family and heaven in whole new ways. I'm thankful for the stress and burdens in my life that have brought me to a new place of faith.....Thank you, Lord.

Darla...to date.

2010-10-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly two weeks since Darla came to live with us. I cannot believe how insanely different life has been since we came home from Utah. The same week Darla was placed with us we put in an offer on a house and went into contract. It's a wonderful house and we're excited....nervous like any one who is buying a home, but also excited.

We haven't started packing yet because the wonderful lady we're buying from wanted a rent back period so that she didn't have to move out until AFTER escrow closes, so we don't even need to start packing until escrow closes either....which should be on November 5th....right before Adam's shoulder surgery. That's a whole different story altogether.

Back to the point....Darla!

Her little personality is so sweet already, she has started smiling but only seems to smile at me, which is so special. I cannot believe this little one can smile already...she'll be a month old this week and that is WAY earlier than any of my other babies started smiling. She loves to be cuddled and it instantly calms her everytime just to hold her. But she is not at all like Maggie was as a baby, which was a concern for us. Maggie as a drug baby was VERY clingy and screamed constantly if not held all the time. As a consequence i simply started wearing her in a sling all day and night until she got over that....after about three months. It was a long three months but well worth it because she has grown into a wonderfully intelligent and independant little girl. Darla, though, loves to stretch out and just sleeps wherever however, she is not picky at all. She seems to just enjoy taking everything in, in a lot of ways she is very similar to Catcher and she acts just like he did a few months ago.

Last week Elaine had a cough all week and no matter how hard we tried to isolate the babies from it there was no way around it....both babies are now sick. It appears to be RSV but we are watching it very closely and while Catcher is hacking quite hard and his appetite is decreased it doesn't seem to be hurting him too much. Darla on the other hand with her being so small...we are watching her very close to make sure it doesn't require medical attention. Catcher went thru RSV at a very early age and ended up in the hospital for two weeks....i REALLY don't want Darla to have to go thru that. She is still eating and sleeping pretty well so i'm not too worried...yet.

Last night both babies woke up a few more times than normal and i swear it's like they have a pact to wake up one right after the other. Inevitably when one wakes up and i take care of them and feed them and change them and put them back to sleep...just when i'm laying down to go back to sleep, the other one wakes up. It is getting a little tiresome but i know they'll get past this eventually....won't be this hard forever :)

Darla now weighs just under 7 pounds....she is growing fast already! She is very strong for such a tiny baby and can hold her head up already and grabs things to put in her mouth! She is practically ready for toys already!! Crazy!

Hopefully I'll get some pictures of the house to post on here soon....can't believe we are moving but hopefully this will be a house we will stay in for a VERY long time!

The call

2010-10-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

While in the middle of Nevada on our drive to Utah we recieved possibly the most unexpected call of our lives. Here is basically how the conversation went:

me: "hello."
FFC: "Hi this is Kim from 'Families for Children' is this Vera?"

***instant red flags here, families for children is the agency we used when we adopted Maggie....this is a social worker calling....why is a social worker calling?

me:
"......uh yes it is......"
FFC:
"Well I'm calling to inform you that a full sibling of your adopted daughter Maggie has been born and we were wondering if you were interested in adopting her...."

Me:
....
....
....

FFC: "i know this is a bit surprsing...."

Me:
....
...
....
.......uhm yeah.

FFC:
"Well she is a full sibling of your daughter and that is why we called you first, but she's going to be released from the hospital today or tomorrow so we really need an answer sometime today because if you don't want her then we need time to find another family.....so are you interested in adopting her?"

Me.
.....uhm......can I .....uhm....call you back?

FFC:
"Oh sure yes of course...but we do need to know by 5 oclock today."

Me:
ok well i just you know wanted a few minutes to process this before i give you an answer.....

then at the most inopportune time we loose connection because we're driving thru a dead zone.

I set down the phone and literally was speechless.I looked at my husband who was driving and he looked at me thru the rear view mirror and said "who was on the phone?"

Bearing in mind i was in the back of the car while he was driving in the front....i now had to tell him what i had just heard across the car thru all the children's little ears.

"Give me a minute to uh figure this out before i tell you...."

I was so beyond dumb founded as to how to tell him what this phone call was.

"it was a social worker.....she told me a sibling of a certain child (pointing to Maggie) was born and needs a home and uhm.....do we want her?" I hoped the kids were entertained by the movie enough not to have been paying close enough attention to what i was saying.

Adam shot me a glance thru the rear view mirror that probably looked as confused and bewildered as my own did.

"I'll give you a moment to process that news while i make a few more phone calls...." I told him.

Every time the signal returned on my cell phone i made another call....to this social worker or that one to family and friends to everyone i could think of to simply hear some other opinions and information. I will admit my first thought was just to say yes without even wondering how it would work. But then after thinking about it a few more minutes i began to look at my already large family and wonder where on earth would we put ANOTHER baby.....not to mention we already HAVE a baby! Catcher is barely 7 months old!!!

We did our best to talk from the front of the car to the back but there was no keeping from the kids the conversation we were having.

Eventually i decided to ask the kids their opinions. Maggie first. I told her the situation as i knew it and asked if it would make her happy. She of course said yes with a giant smile...i asked her if it was just the idea of another baby or was it because it would be brown like her? She liked the idea of another brown family member like her....so did i.

Then i turned to Katie who is only 2 and I wasn't sure how well she would understand when i explained to her that if we took this baby it would mean mommy might have even less time for her. She replied "it's ok mommy i can take care of Catcher while you take care of the new baby."

Then i turned to Elaine and before i got a word out she grinned and said "YES! just say yes!" Well it appeared the kids were all for it we just had to decide if we could do it or if we wanted to do this. It made the drive to the next stop feel like forever!

It wasn't dinner time but we found another McD's with a playland to stop at to let the kids run around and give us a chance to talk without them in between. It was 4 already so by the end of this stop it would be time to call and give an official answer. For some reason stopping and getting the kids out made it all feel like a reality...how would this be if there were another little baby? Another girl? I got scared a little bit. I mean I have been stressed nearly beyond belief with the current load of four kids.....could I even handle a fifth? What is the point in saying yes if it causes so much stress on the family it breaks us apart?

While the kids ran around in the play land I prayed...we prayed, we talked we contemplated. But everytime we contemplated saying NO it felt very wrong and like we would regret it for the rest of our lives. Every time we contemplated saying yes it felt so right...so scary...but so right. So we piled back in the car and at 4:55pm I called back and said "yes we're interested in adopting the baby....what's her name anyway?" Her name was Darlene but we had the whole rest of the car ride to come up with our new name for her.....In the end we decided on Darla Deanne. or DD for short. it was an instant hit with the kids. And when we arrived in utah that night we were able to announce that we had said Yes to adopting a fifth child......were we crazy or what?!!

Day two...just another day of driving ....or so we thought.....

2010-10-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

Day two of the trip to Utah was supposed to just be another day of driving....a very long day of driving, but just driving....apparently God had other plans.

The drive started out frustrating, Katie was having a really tough time with the idea of being in the car at all again after the three hour drive to Reno the day before, anymore time in the car did not sound good to her. She was seated behind me, as i was in the front passenger seat. It seemed there was no pleasing her. First we put on music for a while but inevitably it wasn't he song or cd she wanted....so we decided to put on a movie. But then once the movie was on she decided that NOW she did want the music NOT a movie....oh well too bad. So then she would be upset because it wasn't the movie she wanted. Then she'd kick my seat so hard from her tantrum that she lost a shoe and so when she voiced (or screamed)her concern over her missing shoe i told her i would just take off the other one....NOOOOO! Ok well i would put back on the first one...NOOOO! It seems i couldn't get it right with her, although at least i can say i really kept my cool, her behavior was so frustrating that we decided after an early lunch stop I would sit in the back with her and Maggie would sit in the seat Katie had been in, and all the 'stuff' that was inbetween the two back seats would then reside in the front seat with Adam.

We stopped for our lunch at a McDonald's with a playland...this is a must for anyone on a road trip with children...gives them a chance to run around. And since the weather had been raining and storming the whole drive we were also thankful that this playland was indoors. We got all the kids inside and to the potty while Adam ordered lunch. i sat them at a table and walked up to let him know what i wanted. When i turned around and got back to the table Maggie was chewing on something. We hadn't gotten the food yet so i couldn't possibly figure out what could be in her mouth. "Open up" i said.....

She opened her mouth and revealed a large WAD of BLUE chewing gum. Now first off i would like to state that i almost NEVER allow chewing gum....always ends up on the floor or in clothes or hair and it really serves no point in my mind so i instantly wonder WHERE the gum came from. And as quickly as i ponder that question i know the answer. She picked it from under the table and stuck it in her mouth where she chomped on the ABC gum (already been chewed). Holding back my gag reflex i quickly made her spit it out into the trash and rushed her to the bathroom.

Now had we been at home i might have made her wash her mouth out with soap (soap i knew wouldn't hurt her) but since i didn't know what kind of soap they had here i didn't want to risk further damage simply because i was so grossed out by the whole thing. But i did thuroughly rinse her mouth with water. It may as well have been soap for how mad it made her. She kicked and screamed which obviously meant she wasn't having trouble breathing but she has never liked water much in any way on her face and this really angered her. I got a few stares from a lady who came out of a toilet stall while this was in progress. So i made sure to remind Maggie out loud what this was for. "Maybe next time you won't stick gum from a table in your mouth will you?" after a very upset head shake in response we left to rejoin lunch at the play land.

More than angry i was just grossed out at the whole thing. but we quickly moved on from the incident while we ate lunch and let the kids play. I went to the car to feed the baby and then changed the stuff in the car around for the new seating arrangement.

Getting myself wedged in the back was interesting but it certainly paid off on the Katie front....she loved having me next to her and spent the rest of this leg of the journey enjoying my company and being a much happier traveller.

We were only about an hour away from McDonald's when i got a message on my phone. We were well into Nevada now and had very little cell reception. So it was no wonder that the call had gone straight to voicemail. I listened to the voicemail and sure enough it was my sister in law in Utah wondering what our ETA was....someone beeped in while i was listening to the voicemail. Assuming the beep was her again i answered without checking the caller ID.....it wasn't her. It was a call that would change life as we knew it forever.....

Circus Circus

2010-10-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering when I would have time to post this and i'm not really sure i'll have time now but I know everyone wants to know how this all happened so I'll try to post in short bursts so you don't have to read it all at once.....it's going to be a mini-series rather than a super long post.

A few weeks ago we took a trip that started out one way and ended far differently than we could have possibly imagined.

The trip was to take all the kids to Utah to visit some family and friends for a weeks vacation. We left Sunday morning and drove to Reno where we spent the day and night at Circus Circus, so that our drive the next day would only have to be 8 or 9 hours instead of the usual 12 or more it takes to get to Utah from here.

Circus Circus was great, there really was something for everyone. Elaine loved the buffet...so much food to choose from! Maggie couldn't get enough of the circus acts she could have sat and watched those all day long! And Katie was in LOVE with the midway games. We had coupons for 2 games for the price of 1 so we were really able to play pretty much every midway game with the kids. One of the first games we played Elaine won a stuffed rose which all the kids loved and later Adam and I played that game a few more times to win Roses for all the girls, we ended up with one extra which the kids decided it meant it was mine. Then we played a game where all the players were racing against each other to get as many balls in as possible to win a prize. Katie (with Adam's help of course) won this game. When she got her prize it was a small stuffed dog. She hugged it and squealed with joy as if it were the one thing she'd always wanted in life. She didn't let go of that dog for the whole entire trip. The smile on her face was something i don't think i'll ever forget. The sheer joy of a 2 year old.

We were able to get an amazing deal on a suite for the whole family rather than having to rent two hotel rooms. The suite was very high up in the sky tower and the kids loved seeing the "circus tent" out our window. The bed in the room was king size and all the kids fit in it with room to spare. Adam and I slept on the pull out bed in the living room area and Catcher slept in a crib out there too. We tried to have all three girls in the bed in the room together because they fit fine. But they just wouldn't go to sleep too much giggling so as it turned out Katie got the king size bed to herself and both bigger girls slept in sleeping bags on the floor in that room. It wasn't the best situation but it worked.

The pull out bed that Adam and I slept on should be used as a torture rack. Worst bed EVER. The bar in the middle you could feel thru the mattress....if you could even call it a mattress. Would have prob been better to have slept on the floor! Needless to say we really didn't get much sleep from all the tossing and turning. Adam also had thrown his back out only the day before and this crazy awful bed really didn't help his condition much.

We got up in the morning and had breakfast and headed off for Utah.....no idea what the day actually had in store for us.....

To be continued but here are some pictures for you in relation to the circus circus fun.....

2010-09-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

There have been several times in the past month I have almost posted a blog about something. But didn't. There was the house we almost bought which had views that were just killer. But I didn't want to blog about it until we got it and although we went back and forth with the owner, we just couldn't come to an agreement on the work that NEEDED to be done. Even when we were willing to pay for it we just needed it to be done during escrow and they wouldn't allow it. It was hard to walk away from that deal. Great location, ok house....GREAT land and views. Just a little sad every time I see that it is still for sale, because I keep thinking...what if...

I can't specifically remember everything else I thought of blogging about, but obviously it wasn't that important.

We're planning a trip to Utah in a week, it's something to be excited about so I thought I'd blog about it. We're planning on spreading the drive over two days and staying over night in Reno at Circus Circus, it's not half way, but it will still break up the drive for the kids and they will have so much fun at Circus Circus. I have many fun memories of Circus Circus in Las Vegas and while this one doesn't have the roller coasters or anything, the circus and midway are still great fun! Plus since we're staying over night there on a sunday we got a kick butt deal! We're staying in a suite, with a living room and seperate bedroom and kitchenette, and it's only 70 bucks after tax! Sunday is apparently their slowest night so they after HALF price rooms that night! awesome!

Then we'll be spending the week visiting family and friends we haven't seen in years! My brother and his wife have a baby we've never seen in anything but pictures and I've had 2 kids since they last saw our family....so we're excited for the catching up.

When we were planning this trip, because it is Adam's vacation that week, I felt a little guilty about pulling the kids out of school for a week. But the school was very happy that we notified them early and they said "go have fun and turn in the work when you get back." They've made me feel so much better about that. Plus since we're visiting while at least one of my brother's kids is in school, we'll have time during the day for my kids to do their school work too. When Adam was looking at the calendar for that week he realized BYU has a home game at the end of the time that we'll be there. In passing he mentioned it would be great to go. He's been following the cougar's football for years and almost never misses a game on TV, so we couldn't just pass up this opportunity. It would be expensive for the whole family to go to the game and since the kids won't really care about what's happening it made sense to just send him and the kids and I will stay at a hotel there in Provo where he can walk to and from the game. We're mostly going to be visiting my friends and my family, but in Provo at BYU Adam has two cousins attending college there that we will visit as well as him getting to go to the game, it makes it a trip that is fun for everyone. So often Adam will do things just for me or just for the kids and rarely takes an opportunity to do something just for him, I'm so glad he's going to get to do something he wants on this trip too :)

Speaking of my sweet husband....

Adam has been suffering from near crippling shoulder pain for quite some time now. He hides his pain well but is in constant pain and finally got around to seeing a dr about it about a month ago. We have Kaiser so we had to go thru several channels of trying things to help before we got to someone who can really help. The x-rays and scans on his shoulders revealed early on that he has calcifcation on his tendons and that his shoulder bone has grown a large hook on the end that is ripping the muscles and tendons with every move. I cannot even imagine the pain he is going thru. First he had to try anti-inflamatories which did nothing for his pain. Then he had to try physcial therapy which also did nothing...except on most occassions made him hurt worse. Then finally he was referred to a surgeon. He needs surgery on both shoulders to repair the problem but they won't do them both at the same time and leave him helpless during the recovery. So he is looking at two seperate surgeries. You have to understand that the Husband Man never calls in sick to work, and I mean never. He will go to work even if he has the stomach flu and he'll just pull his police car over to puke outside before he gets back to his duties. He is very committed to his job. I think the only times he ever even asked to leave early were during the birth of our last two children and both times he went back to work that day after the baby was born. He is really struggling with the idea of taking time off of work to have surgery. He is worried about that making his employer upset with him or his coworkers annoyed at his absence. But he also can hardly stand the pain anymore. He was thinking about switching his upcoming vacation week to a week when he could have the surgery, but I kind of talked him out of it since that would be during december and there would be other people at work on vacation and if he was looking to displease the least number of people then he should wait until January and schedule his vacations for next year at the beginning of the year to coincide with a surgery then. This is most likely what he'll do.

The surgeon said that his measurements from the x-ray show that Adam has one of the worst "hook shoulder's" he's ever seen. It's a very large hook that will have to be filed down from the bone. They don't know what causes this hook but we are hoping it doesn't grow back. I have had odd bone growth on joints before that stems from my arthritis, I am hoping he doesn't have arthritis in his shoulders because no amount of surgery will end that forever. Thinking positive though :) Adam is looking forward to little things after the surgery, like being able to throw Catcher in the air....he loves when mommy does that, and it makes Adam sad to not be able to do that with his son.

Sorry for such a long post but this is what happens when I haven't updated in a while, everything goes into one post. There are more things to vent and complain about i suppose, but those are the everyday things of being a mom of four.....just life.

the purpose of dreams

2010-07-22T12:49:00.001-07:00

When Adam and I were first dating, we already knew we wanted to get married, and started talking about what our eventual hopes and dreams were for the future. One thing we both agreed on early on was that someday we really wanted to live out in the country. We wanted to really be away from it all, have a few acres and a big house, preferably one story, with room for all the family to come visit for holidays and stay there forever and have the grandkids come visit. Just something we dreamed about.

Recently we have been house hunting for a second house, we plan on renting out the one we have it's a good size for a rental and we are fortunate enough to actually be able to do that! We are looking for a house that is bigger, that is the main motivation at this point, we know that just being bigger wouldn't be the house we "dream" of but it would be a start, and eventually if we really want the "dream" we'd have to buy again and move again.

Then I found a house. An absolutely amazing house. The kind you see all fixed up on shows on HGTV, the kind that rich people buy and fix up and show off, but not the kind regular people live in right? Except that WE could. We are not rich, and this house is NOT fixed up. But it's everything we dreamed of. It is in the middle of nowhere, it's the capital of the middle of nowhere. :) It's on 3 acres, perfect size to be big but not too much. And it's a very old house that used to be a school when it was originally built in 1925, it has a real feeling of history to it. The classrooms have been turned into bedrooms and each one is just huge! And there are 5 of those HUGE bedrooms. The bathrooms are the one thing that has been updated, so that's nice. It has a huge dining room and table to go with it, and a gigantic great room for company. It really is everything we always said we wanted, it would definitely need some work to truly be the finality of the dream, but it's all there. But now when it comes down to it, it just doesn't feel like we really want to do it. We love it, we love the idea of it, but we're afraid it won't end up being our dream it'll end up being our nightmare. But I guess what I'm wondering here is should we at least try for our dream? I feel like we should, but Adam I think is afraid of getting stuck in something that is going to be a money pit that we can never get out of and that scares him, to be honest it scares me too.

This whole thing just feels like a dream just barely at arm's length away, there are so many dreams we have or want for ourselves or our family, and here's one that with a little reach we might be able to grab onto, but I dont' know if we are even going to try. I guess I'm writing this more for me than anyone else, but dreams, do we ever really get them or are they always just dreams and nothing more?

The night that wouldn't end!

2010-07-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

Last night, Thursday, was probably the worst night i've ever had as a mom, it was just strange!!

For starters Catcher didn't want to go to sleep, I had to let him cry it out for a little while, which did not make our dog, Kolohe very happy. Kolohe paced anxiously outside Catcher's door, every once in a while she'd stop and just stare at the door. I was down the hall trying not to listen to the crying. After about a half hour i guess the dog just couldn't take it anymore. She came down the hall and begged, whined and yelped until i finally got up and went in and picked up Catcher....ok Lassie, calm down sheesh! Once Catcher quieted down, Kolohe flopped down on her fluffy dog bed and heaved a big sigh, apparently she was much more relaxed now. I have never seen her act that way to any of our kids crying, it was very strange. After holding Catcher for about five minutes he finally drifted off and was able to go to sleep.

Now keep in mind that Katie went to bed on time (7 or 7:30ish) and the older two girls went to bed right after getting home from baseball practice, around 8:30 i think, after getting on p.j's and going potty. Their routine was off because they didn't all go to bed at the same time and have singing time, but i do not think it was the cause of the craziness that would ensue. They did have water bottles at the baseball game which were both empty when they returned, so i expected each of them to have a trip to the bathroom during the night, no big deal....or so i thought!

9:30pm Maggie got up to go potty, she went and hopped right back into bed, perfection.

10:45pm i hear a door open down the hall, i go to see who it is. Then the door immediately closes, no one emerged....that's weird.

10:46pm i hear a door open AGAIN, no one emerges, AGAIN, but this time i know who's door it was. It was Maggie and Katie's room. So i open the door to see who's up, it's Maggie, at her dresser....huh? I ask her what she's doing and she admits that she's wet her panties, which surprises me since she just went potty an hour ago....strange, but not uncommon for her. So i tell her to go wait in the bathroom while i check to see if the bed is wet (i dread changing a top bunk in the middle of the night!!!!) Nope, bed is dry....that's good, ladder up to the bed....that's wet...at least it's easier to clean. Then i go check on Maggie in the bathroom, she has her clothes that she peed in....in the toilet??? what??? I ask her what she's doing she says she put her dirty clothes in the hamper....uhm not quite. I figure she must not be very awake, she has walked in her sleep only one other time, but she looks fully awake this time, unlike the sleep walking event in which her eyes were fixed and she didn't respond to me, she was responsive and her eyes looked normal....weird. so i put the now wet pajama pants in the bathtub and told her to sit on the potty to make sure she gets all the rest of the pee out...just in case. So she does. That's when i realize that although she changed her pajama pants, she didn't put any other underwear on and the pj pants were backwords...i suppose that's what happens when you get dressed in the dark. So i get her all straightened out. I decide to finally go laydown in bed, where the husband man is already resting. Just as my head hits the pillow.....

11:08pm Elaine emerges from her room....naked!!! what the???? This is very unusual for her, since she is always picky about what she wears i found it very weird that she would get undressed in the middle of the night. and when i had gone in to put Catcher to sleep, Elaine was still fully dressed in pjs and asleep. I asked her what she needed she simply said she had to go potty....so why the strip show then??? she had no response. Again i wondered if she was doing things in her sleep but she too seemed more awake and normal than any sleep walking episode we've ever had with her. After she used the potty i went in the room with her and found her pjs sitting on the edge of her bed, i convinced her to get redressed and go back to bed.....very very weird. Now i can finally go back to bed.....ahhh, bed, my head has just hit the pillow when....

11:37pm Catcher starts to cry....a very loud bursting kind of cry. That's weird, he usually sleeps six hours after going to bed, then wakes up to eat and goes back to sleep another 4, why would he wake up so soon? He was still fast asleep when i was in there with Elaine only a few moments before....weird weird, even Kolohe jumped up when Catcher started crying. So i decided to go in there and let him nurse anyway, why not...maybe NOW he'll go back to sleep. Sure enough he just wanted to nurse, but he wasn't going right back to sleep, he wanted to sit and smile at me, which is cute, but not when all i wanted to do was finally get to bed! He was finally starting to fall asleep, when Elaine started making noises in her sleep, i could tell she was asleep because i could hear her grinding her teeth...youch! She started wimpering in her sleep, must be having a sad or bad dream, poor kid. Catcher FINALLY falls asleep and i lay him down and walk out. Finally....i'm tired and all kids are asleep....going to bed, my head just hits the pillow when....

12:46pm Elaine shows up at my room, she must be stealthy because the baby monitor is on and i didn't even hear her get up and walk out of the room (she shares a room with Catcher), again, weird. She's at my door and says "I can't sleep." What do you mean you can't sleep, not two minutes ago you were grinding your teeth in REM and now you....can't sleep? Must have been that dream that was making her cry. So i ask her about the dream. She tells me some gibberish about a bathroom and a bad guy in the hallway....which i'll admit kinda freaked me out, but i reassured her it wasn't real and couldn't get her so i go back with her into her room, get her settled into bed and she is asleep before i walk out the door....can't sleep my foot LOL...whatever. NOW i can sleep right?......so my head hits the pillow when.....

Sometime after 1:30am (starting to lose track at this point) Adam starts to talk in his sleep. At first i think he's talk to me, and i try to ask him what? what? because it doesn't make sense, then in between thoughts he grinds his teeth, sure sign he's STILL asleep....ok, just ignore him and GO to sleep! So my head hits the pillow and finally for real i get to fall asleep.....until....

2:30am Maggie starts to scream....SCREAM! it's coming from her room so i race in to see what's happened, in my mind i'm thinking oh no she tried to climb down the ladder and fell, or she's so tired she can't figure out how to climb down and this time she really has wet the bed....I fling open the door and.......silence. the moment i open the door she stops, again, must have been in her sleep.....our kids have been known to cry in their sleep sometimes, but sheesh all this in one night is really starting to wear on me! She doesn't even look like she even sat up to scream which my sleep screamers usually do, nope, still laying curled up with "Dog" her beloved stuffed toy from a thrift store....I peek in on Katie on the bottom bunk, sprawled out with "dolly" (my kids have such original names huh...lol) laying on top of her....she didn't even wake up from the scream....good.....now i can go back to sleep.....i think i was asleep before my head hit the pillow this time......until.....(yes there's more....it was an insane night!!!)

4:00am...ish....Catcher wakes up AGAIN....are you kidding me????? The thing about hearing the baby cry on the monitor my body gets up and out of bed before my mind even registers what i'm doing, so i stumble down the hall, trip over the dog who sleeps on a bed outside our door, pick myself up and stagger into Catcher's room, where thankfully, as usual, Elaine is sleeping right thru his incesant crying.....I pick him up and nurse him in the comfort of the rocking chair in the room. Their room maybe the tiniest room on the planet for two siblings to share, but at least the rocking chair fits in it, even if a dresser doesn't. That chair is heaven for me, because while he gets his nursing comfort i drift in and out of sleep....waking every few minutes I remember, hey i can't sleep i'm in a chair feeding the baby! Eventually he too falls asleep, but again it takes much longer than normal (normal being less than half an hour to eat and go back to sleep)....so finally i stumble back into bed it's 5:26am....yuck. My head misses the pillow and hits the mattress, who cares..........

5:30am....Adam's alarm clock goes off.......you've got to be kidding me........

here it is 12:30 in the afternoon after the night of hell and i'm trying to stay awake by writing about all of the insanity in my blog. You must understand normally my kids (aside from Catcher since he's still a baby) are the best sleepers on the planet!!! They go to bed between 7 and 7:30pm and i don't hear a peep out of any of them until 7 or 7:30am the following morning....it's fabulous.....last night was just WEIRD i can't say it enough times, the only one who did not act weird, was sweet sleepy Katie, thank goodness, at least someone in the house had a normal night....i hope to never have a repeat of this again or i might boycott parenting for that night and delegate it to daddy....mommy needs to z z z zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Let the age of music begin....

2010-07-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

We went to the farmer's market in downtown modesto today. "We" being, me and all four little kidlets. Going any where with four kids is a bit of a workout, but the farmer's market can be even worse because there are SO many people there usually. However it is thursday and not saturday so there were a bit less people than the last time we went on a saturday. It doesn't help that Catcher really doesn't like being in his carseat, he much prefers to be in the front carrier and now he's old enough to face out in the front carrier which he loves even more. So i had Maggie and Katie in the double stroller and Catcher in the front carrier on my chest and Elaine was walking next to me. I think i looked like a total circus act because we got stared at like you wouldn't believe LOL. But we made it just fine, Catcher ended up falling asleep in the carrier and both girls in the stroller were VERY well behaved (quite unusual)...Elaine as usual was her wonderfully easy going self.

To begin with we got a GREAT parking spot which almost never happens, it was as close as you could get to the market without parking in it. That made it much easier. Then we walked the full length of the market, and didn't buy anything until we turned around to walk back, that is always what i do because i hate buying something then getting two stalls down and realizing there was something better....so i make a habit of walking the whole thing first then buying on the way back up. So we bought a few small things and just as we were almost back to the car the music caught my attention. There is almost always live music of some kind, and this time it was harp music it was a group of 5 or 6 ladies playing harps and then two who also played the penny whistle (not at the same time as the harp lol) we stopped to enjoy the music when someone said my name...totally catching me off guard. We knew one of the harpists! It was Nina Black, she goes to church with my parents and Adam's parents, i had no idea she played the harp, i knew she played the piano but wow! In between songs they told us that if we hung around for a little while they were going to let everyone have a chance to touch and learn about the harp....a 'harp petting zoo' if you will hehe. So we stayed and listened to several songs, which again, my kids were absolutely wonderful during that. We were there for at least 10 if not 15 minutes, just listening and none of them were antsy about wanting to move on, they all just enjoyed it.

So when they stopped to let everyone check out the harps my girls were so excited to have a chance to try it. Katie was cautious, but Maggie and Elaine ran right over and sat down at a harp and began to play! The great thing about harps is that it doesn't take much to sound really good, so of course the girls just loved it...and so did i. There was a photographer from the Modesto Bee there and he took several shots of my kids playing the harps and asked their names, and told me to keep an eye out for their pics in the Bee. To be honest we don't really read the Bee much, but i might if my kids' pics are in it LOL. Then Nina suggested getting them lessons, i think we'll start with the piano first since we already have one...but i would just LOVE it if any of my kids wanted to learn to play the harp it is such a beautiful instrument.

It really was a great time, and on the way back to the car Elaine asked when she could start taking piano lessons....let the age of music begin!!!

Our Fourth on the Fourth

2010-07-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

So this was our first major holiday with our newest member of the family, number four....Catcher.

He slept thru most of the night, but the fun thing was watching how much Katie had grown up since last years fourth of July. Last year she was quite afraid of fireworks and wanted to be held the whole time. This year, until she fell asleep at the end of the longest fireworks show EVER, she was sitting in her own little chair cheering and ooohing and ahhhing over every firework. She even did sparklers this year too.

This was probably the biggest year for the fourth of July i can remember. To start it off we were at Adam's parent's house, which when all his sisters and their families are there, is big to start with. THEN add in his grandparents and Aunt Leesa, and her daughter, Killian. THEN add in Matt's parents and neices, and that was just for the BBQ and hanging out....once the fireworks began even more people came! The whole of the front yard was bursting with excited children, teenagers and adults....not to mention JT and Catcher, the two littlest members of the clan. It was a sight to see!

The Husband Man, Adam and his best friend Matt put on quite a fireworks show for the crowd. They had a wooden board between two ladders so that all the fireworks could be lit nice and high creating large fountains of orange, green, red and blue that were just spectacular. Then there were the sparklers! That was something i will never forget, all the kids, young and old lined up on the sidewalk to have their sparklers lit. Katie was the littlest to do sparklers this year and she did quite well, her little face was aglow at the excitement of a glittering wand to wave (under close supervision by aunt Cara ....thanks!)

Then there was the "snap" show....lol. Matt and Adam let the kids do snaps in between lighting fireworks then later on in the show discovered another box. Matt asked Jacob (the oldest cousin at almost 8 years old) to come stand on the sidewalk, he led him to a specific spot then yelled FIRE! At which point Adam threw a huge handful of snaps at Jacobs feet which popped and sparked, Jacob, with his Jedi-esque reflexes, jumped and rolled to the side, landing safely at his parents feet. It was a hillarious sight to see and everyone cheered!

Every year it seems like the fireworks end too early, but this year was certainly no ordinary year. I do not know the specific number of fireworks purchased for this enormous show but it was over 2 hours of continuous fireworks!!!! I have never seen anything like it. Each was placed and lit by Adam and Matt, often more than one at a time with them being lit simultanously by them both in an epic battle to see who's was biggest or longest.... (insert inuendo here!) That also made for a show for the kids and many laughs for the adults :)

I have to say, as a parent one of the greatest joys I have is seeing my kids have fun, and this was certainly a day that will glow in my memory as brightly as the many sparkling displays of pyrotechnics we witnessed for our first Fourth with Four.....thank you to everyone who made it the most memorable yet!!!!

A family picture from Catcher's blessing.

2010-06-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

We scrambled to get this picture before everybody changed out of Sunday clothes. Thanks so much Tiffany for convincing me to get us together for this, I'm so glad we have a photo memory of this wonderful day full of family to celebrate our little Catcher.

Three generations of Hoskins men.

2010-06-27T21:07:00.001-07:00

This isn't the best picture because Adam and his dad Roger were looking at someone else's camera at the time, but this is the one I have. This is three generations of wonderful Hoskins men, Roger, Adam and Catcher. We love you!!!

The Bass Pro Shop Girls

2010-06-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

At Granddad's retirement party my three girls wore their pink Bass Pro Shop shirts, they were very inexpensive and they matched, my girlies LOVE to match. I made them bows for their hair too. We even bought white shirts with the same logo for Adam and I, and Catcher got a little blue jumper that says Bass Pro Shop too. Okay so maybe we look like a walking ad for their store, but hey it was a fun place to spend the afternoon shopping for camping supplies. So here are a few fun pictures from the retirement party. Adam was still on duty when he stopped in for a bite so he was not in his shirt, but the rest of us were.

The girlies putting on a command performance of the infamous Too Tee Tah Song and dance.

A Bass Pro Family :)

Summer sports

2010-06-27T20:23:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures from Elaine and Maggie's first Tee-Ball game with Jr. Giants. Thanks Granddad for being the photographer. I'm finding it hard to find time for pictures while I'm busy with Catcher, but maybe as he gets older I can return to my love of photographing the kids!

Katie enjoyed playing fetch with.....herself. HAHA. She threw the ball and ran to get it and throw it again, she entertained herself on that cool saturday morning quite well.

Ready for some baseball fun!

Practicing before the game.

Maggie with her 'game face' on.

Maggie ready to run to home.

Looking ready to catch the ball....she got it a few times during this game.

Swiiing batter batter swiiiing!

Elaine playing pitcher (as much as you can in a tee ball game) :)

Elaine at bat.

Elaine is all smiles for everything she does, her attitude of fun will take her far in life!

Hit it my way!!

I cannot believe how long her hair is even in a pony tail! she said she wanted rapunzel hair, did rapunzel play baseball????

This was a perfect photo op. they were playing positions right next to each other :)

GO JUNIOR GIANTS!!! GOOD GAME!!!

hair cuts and the reasons behind them

2010-06-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

You know it seems to me, most of the time when i cut my hair, it is a very spur of the moment decision.

For about a year now I have been intentionally growing my hair out. Adam and I had made a deal, since he liked my hair long. The deal was that if he would get REAL haircuts, instead of just buzzing his hair off, then i would grow my hair out. That way we both got each other's hair jus the way we liked it. I love when he gets a nice haircut, it looks so classy, a buzz all over just doesn't show off how adorable he is. And I really hadn't had my hair long since we got married, so it was a deal, and for about a year we both kept it up! My hair had gotten so long, and as a reference i think most women would understand it was down to the bottom of my bra line on my back. Quite long by any standard. A few weeks ago Adam needed a haircut and decided to buzz it instead of getting a real cut. Now in all fairness he really did it to save money because he can buzz it at home, and getting a professional cut costs 12-15 bucks. So as soon as he did it he told me i could feel free to cut mine since he was no longer keeping up his end of the deal. And for a while i said no, i actually was enjoying it long. And for the most part i think i was, when i had time to make it look nice.

With how much hair I have though, i began to realize the impracticality of keeping it long. First of all, while you might think i was saving money on less haircuts, i was probably spending near as much as a haircut would cost on shampoo and conditioner alone...i cannot believe how much my long hair took! And then there's the fact that my hair doesn't do "wash and go." it's neither truly curly or straight. I can wear it straight or curly but both take a lot of work! To wear it straight means at least an hour of blow drying, or a full day of air drying and straightening the following day. However the DAY to airdry is always a bad hair day, and straightening itself takes an additional hour. What mother of four (one of whom is a newborn) has 2 hours to fix her own hair???? Not this one!

So yesterday i woke up with a headache and that topped off the hair fiasco. My hair is so heavy when i put it up wet, but that was all i had time to do, and with a headache already brewing, putting my hair up was the bobby pin that broke the camel's back! Later that day i told The Husband Man i wanted to shave my head because my hair was so much work and if i didn't do the work, i just put it up day after day, which was now giving me a headache. So after a few minutes of discussion, i left in search of a salon to chop it off!

Apparently monday is NOT a good day of the week to get a haircut though. I went to 5 salons and ALL were closed, despite their hours sign specifying otherwise. When i finally found one open, they told me that a lot of salons don't stay open mondays if they don't have appointments booked...which does not make sense since each salon also boldly blazoned the LIE "Walk Ins Welcome!" which should also stipulate "unless we didn't feel like coming in today because nobody who was NOT a walk in was here." After salon number 3 i began to wonder if it was God trying to tell me how much i might regret the idea of a hair chop and that maybe i should just give up on the venture all together. I was not so easily swayed though. I finally lucked out with number 6, and the girl who cut it off was great. She cut off 8 inches, and yet it is still past my shoulders and will probably be considerably long again in no time. But for now my head feels about 10 pounds lighter especially when my hair is wet. I keep having to remind myself how little shampoo i need to use and i probably have a rash on my back from brushing too far past the hair due to old habits and their knack for a hard relentless death! Anyway, this may have been another spur of the moment haircut, but i think it is the least regretted of all of them, however not a single person has noticed who didn't have it pointed out to them. I do not think anyone knew how long my hair really was...all that work for nothing.

too tee tah

2010-06-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

I was having a rough day with Catcher, after a rough night of it too. I was tired and cranky (so was catcher!) and Elaine asked if she could sing her "too tee tah" song, and i said sure. It made me laugh so hard, especially when she and Maggie sang it together, the end is the best part. And in the video even Katie couldn't help but laugh at them in the end. It definitely put me in a better mood!

Elaine's Dress Rehearsal

2010-06-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday (Friday) I took Elaine to the dress rehearsal of her ballet recital which is coming up tonight (saturday).

I love watching the older ballerinas, because i know that Elaine aspires to be one someday. I wonder what she'll look like when she is their age and how wonderful a dancer she'll be.

I should have known early on that dancing would be her passion, but she was my first and i didn't realize that what she was doing was in any way unique. I need to dig out a video i have of her at 18 months old....it's quite impressive. I was watching "7 Brides for 7 Brothers" a classic musical with lots of great dancing. During the barn raising scene is some of the best dancing in the whole movie, and the most uptempo music as well. As soon as the music for that scene started, little tiny Elaine became glued to the screen. After watching for a few moments she started to try to dance just like the actors on the screen. She kept wanting me to play it over and over, and eventually i got out the digital camera and took digital video of her dancing. It was seriously the most precious thing ever. She really had it down, every step, at only 18 months. Now at the time i think i just figured every kid at this age must like this kind of thing, however i have since discovered that none of my other kids had any inclination to copy with such exactness a dance seen on TV at the age of only 18 months. Even now that Maggie and Katie are both older than 18 months, they just like to dance around crazy if the people on the screen are dancing. But not Elaine, she loves to watch dance sequences over and over and try to recreate them.

Elaine's favorite gift to give someone on their birthday is a performance. GrandDad's birthday/retirement party is coming up and she knows it! She has been preparing a performance for about 2 weeks now, picking out costume and music and making dance steps. It's hard to believe she is only 6, and that she already knows her passion in life. It makes me so happy to see her dance, to see the joy it brings to her and the grace with which she performs. I thank Heavenly Father every day for the sweet spirits he sent into our home, and for the joy of watching their talents grow. I can't wait to see the talents develop in the other children as well...currently Maggie excels in gymnastics and Katie loves to sing, who's to say if these will continue to be their passions but it's fun to watch them grow in all areas of life. I guess what i'm trying to say is I just love being a mom :)

Changing perspectives...

2010-05-26T12:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know about every one else, but it seems like my mind is pre-wired so that when i look at someone for the first time, i instantly notice if something is off or wrong with the way they look or are dressed. It is terrible to admit this, because it's something i'm always trying to tell my kids not to do....the whole "don't judge a book by it's cover." Although i don't think it necessarily makes me think they're weird or dumb or anything like that, but i find myself fixated on that thing, like if their hair is a mess, or if their shirt doesn't match their pants, or if their shoes are old and dirty. I know i know, it's awful to say i do that, but i must say it because it is true.

About a week ago I was in the van at a stoplight, all four children in tow. A man stood waiting for the "walk" signal, and was very near to the car, so that i could see him quite clearly. As i glanced at him I instantly thought "yuck, what is he wearing?" and even though i didn't say those words out loud, i was appalled at myself! I thought, this is a child of Heavenly Father, he has value, just as we all do, in the eyes of God. I didn't want my first impression of a stranger to be an opinion on how horribly i thought he was dressed... what did that really tell me about him? Nothing! (this was a very long stop light) So i looked at him again, and thought, find something beautiful about him. I forced myself to look for something else, and when he looked my direction i noticed he had very nice skin. And while i hadn't really formed an opinion on this person, i did notice that when i looked at him and thought about the negatives in the way he looked, i had a negative general feeling towards him, however when i looked at him thinking of something positive it brought a smile to my face and i felt ....well... positive about him. I suppose that's a little clice, but it was like a whole new insight for me.

I may hate the fact that i have always noticed the bad things when i first met or saw someone, and maybe it's a sign that i have a naturally negative attitude, assuming there would be something bad about this person and looking for it right away. But I have decided to change my whole outlook. And so far it is really working! Now whenever i see someone on the street, or walking by me, i instantly look for something good, or beautiful or nice about that person. Assume the positive. At first it was difficult it was forcing my mind to look for something first that didn't come naturally. But now, after a week, i am really feeling like it's becoming habit, and it's a habit i like! I am sorry if i ever judged you for something you wore. I know i most of the time am not looking my best and hoping that is not what people are focusing on, so it stands to reason that i should do unto others as i would have done unto me right? Right.

the story behind the ankle

2010-05-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

I figured I'd post the story of exactly what happened when I sprained my ankle last week, because i wanted to be able to remember it so i don't freakin do it again!!!

Two years ago, when Katie was only 3 or 4 months old, i was carrying her and fell down the two steps in our garage, i majorly sprained my right ankle. Thankfully, though, i landed on a big fluffy dog bed so the ankle was the only injury and Katie just smiled while i cried.

Flash forward to last thursday. I had taken Elaine to school and Katie wanted to go with me, I left Catcher napping at home (Adam was also sleeping) and Maggie was watching a movie at home also. So after dropping off Elaine, i decided i would go to SaveMart to buy some flour so i could bake some muffins. I parked in a very close spot at the store, it was right near the cart return....which at SaveMart, the cart return is made out of cement, like two curbs with a space in between, just wide enough for shopping carts. When i got Katie out of the car i decided to carry her over those two curbs, then let her walk after that. As i picked her up, i thought to myself, "dang you're heavy," i hardly ever pick her up anymore because she is so big, but it was only going to be for two or three steps. Just as i was stepping down from the last curb, i landed wrong with my foot and rolled my ankle. I have to say everytime i rethink this it hurts all over again, that agonizing pain of rolling your ankle that hard on asphalt too. Although the fall happened insanely fast, and i knew the instant i did it that i had at least sprained my ankle, if nothing worse, i had enough time to clearly think to myself to roll and land on my back instead of my front, which was the direction i was originally falling. I was carrying Katie and if i fell to the front, she would have landed quite hard on the asphalt and i on top of her. So by rolling mid air, i landed first and she stayed safely on top of me.

There was an elderly couple walking out from the store (and this happened directly in front of the store exit) they must have seen the whole thing because i remember hearing the lady scream and man yelled out to me. A car was passing right at that moment and i think the lady was worried it would hit me, thankfully that driver was aware enough and swerved to miss my splayed out body as i tried my hardest not to cry out in pain. Immediately after the car passed, several people came running over. The memory of this part is tainted by the immense pain i was feeling at the time so it's mostly bits and pieces. I remember someone asking if they should call 911...to which i promptly replied "NO," i didn't live that far away and surely Adam could come and take me to the ER or something....i knew i needed to go to the ER, but not by ambulance, and not with poor little Katie in tow. A man helped Katie to sit on the curb, as before that she had been laying on me crying because i was crying. She wasn't hurt at all but she was quite upset. This same man offered her a package of cookies, i think there were 6 cookies in there and as soon as she bit into the first one all tears vanished and she was all smiles from that moment on. I am thankful to that man for those cookies. He then went into the store to complete his shopping as the elderly couple decided to stay with me until my help arrived.

I called home, however Adam was sleeping as he had only gotten home from work at around 4am. The phone went to the answering machine, and as soon as it picked up i began to say over and over "Adam wake up....Adam wake up!" but then i switched gears and thought of the fact that Maggie (watching a movie in the living room) might also be hearing my voice on the phone...so i started saying "Maggie, if you can hear me, take the phone to daddy!!" I said that two or three times and Adam answered. Maggie had indeed heard my request and brought the phone to daddy....way to go girl!!

Because I had the minivan, Adam wasn't going to be able to bring the kids to come and get me (their car seats are in the minivan) so he called my dad to come and get me....thankfully Dad was able to drop everything and come to my rescue...thanks dad :)

After getting home, and putting Katie down for a nap, Adam and took me to the ER, we brought Catcher with us so i could feed him. We already had crutches from the incident two years ago, so that was helpful. After an x-ray, it was confirmed that i once again "just"sprained my ankle. I hate when they say "just" because it doesn't feel like "just" it feels like the worst pain ever. Although when i really stopped to consider the pain, it was NOT the worst pain ever, terrible yes, and probably an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1 to 10, but i've had pain that is a 10 (kidney stone...ouch) and this was NOT a 10, and i was also able to tell that it was NOT as bad as the sprain two years ago, either that i was just remembering what it felt like and it was starting to feel common place...which would be sad lol. Anyway, it wasn't broken, so they gave me a brace and sent me home, probably the shortest ER visit in history.

I spent the next two days with my foot up and on ice, using crutches whenever i needed to get to the bathroom and had wonderful family and friends helpout with everything else. However on Saturday i had obligations....Elaine had ballet pictures in the park and a rehearsal, to make matters worse i had told several moms i would be at the park early to do hair....and i couldn't let them down. So Saturday morning i laced up the brace and put on good sturdy shoes over it, and used a cane instead of crutches so i could have a hand free to carry my hair bag. At first it hurt...but by pushing thru the pain i actually found it started to feel slightly better. I did about 8 or 10 heads of hair that day, much more than i usually do because i was bound to my seat, thanks to the ankle. I didn't realize how many other moms needed help with doing a ballet bun for their little girls. So i suppose i would say, i'm glad i had a reason to sit things out on the bench while Elaine practiced her performance and got pictures done, i was able to help many little girls look like the perfect little ballerina on their picture day....smiles all around :)

On a side note, i sprained my left ankle this time...and i am very grateful for that, i can still drive! lol

cooking poo...

2010-05-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

yes i know how it sounds 'cooking poo.' but this was too funny not to post. A few days ago Katie was playing with a small toy that looked like Winnie the Pooh, she calls him Pooh Bear which sometimes gets shortened to Pooh. She was playing in her playhouse and it sounded like there was some pretend cooking going on, and i had seen her take the Pooh Bear toy in there. So i asked her " Are you and Pooh cooking?"

Katie got quiet and then answered, "I'm cooking Pooh"

I thought maybe she simply misunderstood so i corrected her and said "Oh you're cooking WITH Pooh."

"NO," came the fast reply,"I'm cooking POOH!" She giggled and i peeked in a window and sure enough there was Pooh Bear simmering on her little pretend stove.

I had only the kids around me so i had no one to laugh at the pun of Katie cooking pooh, which sounded like she was cooking poo (or poop), Maggie laughed, because i was laughing (or so i thought).

Later that night the Pooh Bear toy made a reappearance at bedtime. Katie tried to take it to bed with her. I have a very strict no toys in bed policy (except specified favorite ones of course) so i took it away "No toys in bed" i reminded her.

Maggie laughed and said "Yeah no POOH in bed....eww" she laughed some more, my kid's first pun...Grand Dad would be proud....so was I.

2010-05-13T07:35:00.001-07:00

The kids and I were watching a show on the Disney Channel yesterday, just a kid show, like most live action kid's show. It had several adults basically acting like kids and posing questions to the audience of children to answer, which most kids answer back and have fun....but not my four year old. My Maggie thinks of that show the same way i as an adult do. She's sitting there watching, not answering their "problems" and she turns to me and says 'if they're adults, why are they asking us, little kids for answers to their problems?' I totally laughed out loud to that one. I mean as an adult those kind of shows weird me out a little, it really is adults acting like kids so they can relate to the kids, and i guess i'm kind of used to it because it doesn't even really bother me anymore. But it was funny to hear my four year old come to that realization already, i mean i expect it as they get older, that's why those shows eventually won't interest them anymore, but i didn't expect it at 4 years old. What's next? No Santa for her either? Her little mind is growing mature way faster than i was ready. But then she's always been a little further ahead in some areas of maturity than most her age... boy oh boy am i NOT looking forward to her in the teenage years!

RSV- the very long story of an illness with a very short name.

2010-04-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

Catcher is sleeping peacefully, somehow though, sleep for him is a little scary for me. Last week on about sunday i started to notice that the "cold" Catcher had caught from his sisters seemed a little worse for him, which didn't really surprise me. So i continued to watch and by monday i was feeling like he was working a little too hard to breathe, so later that day i took him and Katie to the hospital as she was wheezing a bit from all the coughing too. The dr was more concerned about Katie than Catcher, he listened to Catcher's breathing and because he didn't have any wheezing the dr just said he was fine. Well I, as a mother, did not agree with his opinion. After knowing what my baby's "normal" behavior was for several weeks now, it was obvious to me that his behavior was anything but normal and that he was struggling to breathe no matter what you could or could not hear in his lungs. So in the middle of the night i finally decided to just take Catcher to the ER, i wanted a chest x-ray and an RSV test. For those who don't know, RSV is what most of us have when we get a bad cold, the kind that makes you cough a lot. And for most kids over age 3 and adults, that's all it is, a bad cold. But for babies or kids who have lung issues already (like Katie) it can be much more serious, even deadly. And in my gut i just knew that's what Katie and Catcher both were dealing with.

At the ER they basically just humored me. I mean they really didn't think there was much wrong with Catcher, he didn't really look sick and of course, they couldn't hear anything in his breathing that had them worried. Then after the x-ray they told me it probably wasn't RSV because the x-ray was clear. But i pushed so they tested for it anyway. The dr was pretty much ready to just send us home when the RSV test came back positive. You could have knocked that dr over with a feather at that point. Then he didn't really know what to do, RSV in a baby who was a preemie and not only a preemie, but a preemie who's only issue at birth was immature lungs...it was a given that this baby with RSV was most definitely going to get worse. But he wasn't worse yet. So we talked about options. I could have the baby admitted to be watched to see if/when he got worse. or they could order a nebulizer to do breathing treatments at home that they thought would help and just go home. After thinking about it for a little bit, i decided to go ahead and let them order the nebulizer and just go home. The nebulizer was supposed to arrive within four hours of discharge from the hospital....yeah right!! I waited and waited and waited the rest of the day, it never came.

By late tuesday evening i felt like his breathing was getting worse and the nebulizer which should have helped had still not come. So we went back to the ER and this time they admitted him to the hospital. His breathing was fast and his oxygenation was low, a clear sign he was in distress. I felt bad for having left earlier in the day when i probably should have just stayed. When they found out the nebulizer never arrived i can't tell you how mad the dr was! This could have been a life or death situation, this machine is to help breathing, a rather important function of the human body!! So they ordered it again, figuring he'd probably only be in the hospital a day or two and then go home with the nebulizer. Well yet again, it didn't arrive....and yet again, very angry dr's! In the meantime they put Catcher on oxygen to help relieve his stressed lungs. Unfortunately it only helped a little, no matter how high they had it. All day wednesday they continued to try to relax his breathing, and nothing was working. By thursday Catcher was practically panting, breathing so fast he was at danger of really causing some damage. Even the monitor showed he was oxygenating his blood at 95-100% (perfect) an arterial blood gas test showed otherwise. Then as Catcher would fall asleep and relax, his respirations would get more and more shallow until on several ocassions he just stopped breathing altogether. That was when things started to escalate and the Modesto Kaiser hospital where we were staying basically finally gave up, and decided to send him to Kaiser Santa Clara, where there was a pediatric ICU. They really weren't prepared for the level of care he was needing. They arranged for a transport and then we had to wait.

During the waiting time i tried to run home and shower and grab a few things to take with me to Santa Clara and also we had Adam and his dad give Catcher a blessing. The blessing ended up being right before the ambulance arrived to pick him up and things got a little crazy at that point. Signing papers getting the baby settled on the gurney, and just having to say goodbye to Adam not knowing when we'd be back. On the ambulance ride, i rode in the front seat so i didn't get to be close to Catcher and i kept turning around to remind them not to let him fall asleep, because that's when he would stop breathing....i was so scared, i mean i know they were prepared for anything but i hated not being right next to him to watch him personally.

When we arrived in Santa Clara it was around 11 at night i think, many of the days seemed to run together and the only thing i'm entirely sure of is that it was late and i was tired. The nurses who had been riding in the back with Catcher said they thought the ambulance ride must have been all he needed because he slept most of the ride and was breathing almost normal. Ok at this point you could have knocked ME over with a feather...how could one ride in the ambulance have changed his status so much?! Then i realized, it wasn't the ambulance ride at all, it was the blessing he recieved right before the ambulance ride. At that point i felt comfortable that he was going to get better.

They place him in pediatric ICU but by this point they really didn't feel he needed as much care as they had originally expected. he was on oxygen to support his breathing and had an IV because his appetite was low from being sick...that was pretty much it. Otherwise he just slept. When he woke, i fed him, then i would just lay him back down and he was either lay there and look around or just go to sleep, he was the easiest kid i've ever had in the hospital. withing a few days they sent him to the regular pediatric unit instead of ICU.

By this point i'd been spending so much time in the hospital, but i really needed a better place to sleep and a laundry facility to wash the one pair of clothes i had other than what i was wearing. Kaiser Santa Clara is a very large hospital and aside from the pediatric intensive care unit (icu) they also had a cancer treatment center, so a lot of times families of patients were there for extended periods and just for those families they had a house called JW House. JW House was built by the family of a child who died of cancer, named JW. This house was amazing. You had to be referred there by the hospital social worker and whether or not you got a room was based on how far you were from home and severitiy of the person you were staying with in the hospital. Well they put me at the top of a very long list because we were so far away and Catcher was in ICU when the referral was submitted. They told me that until a room became available that i could use all other parts of their facility. This included free laundry (and free laundry detergent) and a HUGE kitchen, fully stocked with food. They made brownies fresh every morning and most nights a large dinner was provided. There were serenity gardens throughout as a place to meditate or pray for your loved one in the hospital. The common room had 100's of movies and even a Wii and direct tv satellite. There was a day use room for people who hadn't gotten their own room yet and if you were on the waiting list you could come and use the day use room each day. The day use room had a shower and furniture to relax on, you couldn't stay there all day, but at least a few hours there would make you feel better after days in a hospital room sleeping in a chair. Saturday though they called and told me a room was available for me.

The room was like a five star hotel! Not only did the house have a huge stocked kitchen, but my room had it's own kitchen too! I also had a private patio area and the most comfortable bed and pillows i had ever slept on! The sheets weren't cheap like most hotel sheets are, these were high thread counts soft plush sheets. I tell you every time i slept there, the moment my head hit that pillow, i was out. i always had to make sure to set an alarm otherwise i probably could have slept forever there! I really only slept there for about five hours at night, i would let the nurses feed him a bottle of breastmilk i'd pumped so i could sleep more than two hours which is all i would get between feedings otherwise. The JW House probably saved my sanity, i'm not sure how i would have made it through without there kindness and well of course their brownies :) The cost there was only $30 a night which is cheaper than any hotel i know of, and it was right next to the hospital so i could walk easily back and forth. Plus i think they had a program for sponsoring your stay if you couldn't afford it. I only stayed two nights, two very comfortable nights.

Monday afternoon the dr's told me they were going to transfer him back to modesto which was a little frustrating. My dad had brought me his truck to have a vehicle while i was there, and i was figuring i would be driving Catcher home when he was done. Instead i would have to follow him in an ambulance ride....that would not be fun. The reason i had my dad's truck instead of our spare car (the black camry) was quite a sad story. Adam wanted to bring me the camry on friday, the day after we'd been transferred to santa clara, so he got new tires on it and had an oil change, so it would be good and ready for a fair bit of driving. He had Matt follow him to give him a ride home after leaving me the car, well after all the money he put into it, while driving on the freeway at 70 miles per hour, the engine seized up and DIED! Dead, gone, caput, right there in the middle of the freeway. Poor Husband Man, he couldn't stop saying, "if only it had been before all the money i just put into it!!" We'd known for while we were on borrowed time with that car, the engine was diagnosed with a pretty serious problem at least 5 years ago where they told us it would only last about another year and it's lasted four more so hey, it did better than expected, and to be honest, i'm glad it happened then, rather than when i would be driving home....that would have been very scary for me.

In the meantime, while we were waiting to hear if Modesto Kaiser had a room available, i had asked the dr to give Catcher tylenol, his coughing sounded sooo painful, i know when i cough that hard it hurts. The dr said it wouldn't really help, it wasn't a cough syrup or anything, there isn't much of anything they can do for a tiny baby's cough. But i persisted and they relented and decided to give him tylenol. Then i had to talk the nurse into it as well, he kept saying that tylenol doesn't help babies with RSV so why bother. Again, i persisted and he gave in, and gave Catcher tylenol. The next feeding was about an hour after that and when Catcher woke up to eat he was like a whole new baby. All of his normal behaviors were back and....NO COUGH! he still coughed once or twice, little coughs, but nothing like he had been doing before where he coughed so long and hard he could hardly breathe. The medical staff was shocked! they could not believe that tylenol had made that much of a difference. I feel it was an inspiration from Heavenly Father that made me continue to push for tylenol. Then since it helped so much with most of his symptoms i decided to try taking off his oxygen. He had been weaned down to .1 litres which is the lowest you can possibly go so i just took it out of his nose and set it on top of his nose so if he needed it again it would be easy to put right back in. Well while his saturation dropped a bit, it stabilized at a safe number and stayed there. I told the nurse and she said we would just continue to watch him while we waited to find out about transfer back to modesto.

Several hours later the head of pediatrics came him, she said she'd been watching Catcher's monitors and felt that maybe he should just go home instead of transferred to the modesto Kaiser. Oh i could have hugged her!! We had been in the hospital for six days, and i really felt like since he didn't need oxygen anymore that there really wasn't anything left for them to do....and she agreed! So Monday evening we were released to go home, i got to take little Catcher and drive home in the truck, like i had hoped. We even had great traffic the whole way.

If you made it to the end of this blog, good for you, i write this mostly for me so i don't forget, i know it's more than most would want to read, but it's my life, and if i don't write it down sometimes the details get forgotten. It's the little things that make life worthwhile. The hand of God has been ever present in our lives, his fingerprints are hard to miss.

Klamath Falls, OR

2010-04-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

Our vacation in Klamath Falls, Oregon last week was very fun

We drove up on Monday, we left around 8am, had to stop once to feed Catcher and arrived in Redding at 12:30. That was perfect, we met up with some old friends and had lunch at the mall, and let the kids run around in the mall's play area for a while before heading on. It was 3pm when we started on the road again. The drive was nice, the clouds kept looming like there would be some major weather but we kept getting only little bits of rainny drizzle. We drove right next to mount Shasta which was amazing to see, and we arrived in Klamath Falls at 5:30pm. We got the girls in our AMAZING condo and just as Adam was unloading the van he said the weather had suddenly dropped about 10 degrees. We had seen snow along the sides of road off and on since Redding, but there was no snow actually in Klamath Falls when we got there. Just as soon as Adam finished unloading the van, it started to snow, only a little at first, but then within a few minutes it was snowing heavily and it was sticking. The girls were soooo excited, Elaine is the only one who has ever actually seen snow, but it has been so long even she doesn't remember it. They were glued to the window watching the meadow behind our unit become a blanket of White. It really was kind of magical watching the excitement on their little faces.

The next morning Adam decided to go to Wal Mart to get a few basic food items (our condo had a nice little kitchen) and he took the three girls with him while Catcher and I slept in. He said the van was frozen shut and he had to warm it up before he could open the sliding doors :) The kids loved that the snow was still on the ground as it was still quite early. However as the day went on, after the sun had been up for a few hours, it melted the small amount of snow that had been on the ground. The girls were a little sad about that, but then Adam showed the the indoor swimming pool and their frowns quickly faded. We went to Wal Mart again later that day and bought swimming suits (only $7 each...can't beat that!) and Daddy took his three girls swimming in the indoor pool for several hours...they loved it!!

Wednesday felt like it came so fast, we really hadn't done much and it was already the middle of the week, so we got the kids up and dressed early and took them to play in the snow. We had to drive a little ways to find some but we found an amazing snow park. We originally were going to drive all the way to Crater Lake but when we happened upon this snow park we decided to just stop here and let the kids go nuts. It was a huge snow park that during the ON-season must be very popular as they even built an all season "warming" lodge. It had a wood burning stove inside and stacks of wood and paper for burning, there were picnic tables inside and we used some of the cardboard in the lodge as a sled outside in the snow. The girls wanted to build a snowman but the snow wasn't really that good for building anything, it was rather hard and brittle because it was mostly old snow, not fresh sticky powder. But at one point there had been a snow plow that plowed the parking lot which had made large mounds of snow that Adam stacked on top of each other to make an odd looking snow man. The kids liked it, Maggie made a big round nose for it. Elaine and Maggie loved to throw snow balls at Daddy, but he had much better aim and they loved running away from him. I don't think i've seen Adam laugh so hard as he did during their snow ball fight, it was great :) Katie wasn't so sure about snow. She wanted to play with everybody in it, but she didn't like the cold or the wet. Maggie LOVED the snow, in every way, she loved to run in it, sit in it, lay in it and especially to eat it. Elaine liked the typical parts of the snow, making snow angels and sledding, and making a snowman. Catcher and I pretty much stayed out of the snow, which wasn't hard because the parking lot was all clear of snow (and all clear of cars too) We did take Catcher out to get a family picture in the snow next to the lodge, it was hard to do with NO ONE else around to take the picture so we put the camera on a piece of cardboard on a snow hill to take the pic...it mostly worked.

Later that day we took the kids to see the movie How To Train your Dragon. The theater was small and there was only one other family in there, so Katie ran around in the theater a bit, but it kept her entertained while the rest of us enjoyed the movie. We didn't watch it in 3D becuase we didn't know how the kids would do with the glasses, plus it costs less to see it regular. Well i dont know that 3D would have made much of a different i LOVED it, it was very cute, and i think the kids liked it too.

Thursday was horse day. And it was COLD! the weather (since monday) had been rather nice, cold, but nice. Then thursday came and it was FREEZING literally. it was around 33 degrees but with the icy wind chill it was less that 30. We had reserved horse time at the Running Y's Ranch. Adam sent me on an hour and a half horse back ride and the kids got to pet the goats and pigs and the two older girls got to take short rides around the corral on the horses too. We put Catcher in a front carrier on Adam and he put a sweater and jacket over him, Catcher was toasty warm. Katie was a little afraid of the animals, she liked to look at them thru the fence but anything closer than that was a bit much for her. Elaine and Maggie enjoyed the animals. Maggie has some kind of animal magnetism, she draws all animals to her, i don't know how to explain it but she really has a way with them. Adam said as soon as they walked into the petting zoo all the animals just went right up to Maggie, and Maggie has no fear about it either, she loves animals as much as they love her. My horse back ride was beautiful but i don't think i've ever been colder in my life! It was a trail ride which usually means your horse puts his nose in the butt of the horse in front of you and you just go. It really does not require much horse knowledge other than how to sit on a saddle. Well i'd told the ranchers i had some experience riding, and they picked my horse accordingly. This horse would go slow and make a gap between him and the horse in front of him, then on a down hill he'd take off running. Luckily i felt pretty confident about it and just had fun. He also got too excited and close to the horse in front of him a few times, at which point that horse gave a swift kick and caused my horse to rear up, i just held on and smiled, it actually was kind of fun.

We had driven past a really neat looking park several times during our trips into town and the kids always wanted to stop but there were always sooo many kids that we really didn't want to stop. So Friday we decided to take them to this park. Turned out, the cold weather must have scared everyone away because we had the place to ourselves! It had a "snow shelter" for parents, which blocked the wind and made it quite comfortable for Catcher and i to sit and watch the kids go crazy. This park wasn't much larger than other parks but it had much more unique toys than most. Adam and the girls played hard. This park was right by Klamath Lake, which made for a beautiful view. We brought bubbles and the girls chased them around for a while, then we took a family picture in front of the lake and Adam and the girls threw rocks into the lake for a while.

>

The next day was departure day already. I couldn't believe how fast the week went. We didn't go there to do anything particular, just to get away as a family and have fun, and we did. I think there's a distinct possibility we'd go there again sometime.

Nothing exciting...just an update

2010-04-01T07:47:00.000-07:00

Catcher will be 4 weeks tomorrow, and in a few days he'll be officially one month old. Wow the time goes by so fast! He is getting sooooo big. Last week i weighed him on a produce scale at the grocery store and he weighed over 7pounds, well since then he's gained at least a pound i'm sure, he's all round and chubby looking now, never would have known he was such an early baby. I mean technically he's still "negative" age, at the dr's office they adjust their age from their due date not from their actual birth date if they were that much early, then they judge progress based on the adjusted age. Catcher is an adjusted age of negative 2 weeks haha.

He had his newborn hearing screen redone and it passed fine after failing twice in the same ear when he was still at the hospital. I guess all that ear needed was a little time. The next step will be when it's time to get his vision checked because he was on such high oxygen levels early on, it can be very damaging to the tiny blood vessels in the eyes and effect vision. Katie had been on high oxygen when she was born too and while her vision took a little longer to normal out, it did, she (as far as dr's can tell) has no lasting visual problems, so hopefully Catcher won't either.

Adam is doing the medi-fast diet program, he says he's lost 12 pounds already, and it's obvious (to me anyway). He is doing amazingly well sticking to his diet and i'm so proud of that, when ever i start a diet i usually cheat by the next day (sad i know) and i'm glad to see him working so hard toward his goal...makes me think maybe i could too :)

2 weeks already?!

2010-03-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Catcher is 2 weeks old today, I was fully prepared for him to have to stay in the hospital till this point, considering he was born at 34 weeks gestation, that's 6 weeks early!! But he's already been home over 3 days, i can hardly believe how normal it feels now. He is such a good eater and sleeper, because he was born so early i really try to just let him sleep between every feeding, his little body still needs all that extra rest to grow and catch up. I so enjoy the brief times in the day when he's actually alert and awake, i usually get that once or twice a day for about a half hour each. He just likes to look around, because he was premature he can't focus on anything yet, his eyes were not meant to be seeing the outside world yet! Thankfully he's not really much of a crier, he makes a bit of noise when it's time to eat, mostly just little grunts and sigh's until i pick him up, then he quiets right down. Very rare to actually hear him cry though, about once or twice a day also, if that, he is so content all the time.

I'm really feeling the lack of sleep and that's been the hardest part so far. Because he is a preemie it's important to wake him and feed him every three hours, whether he would have woken up or not, and at night, that gets very tiring night after night. But it's all worth it, i know this phase won't last forever, and i love my time with him, and at night i'm not so worried about what the girls are doing while i have my quiet time with little Catcher, so that's nice.

Catcher had an outing to GrandDad and Nana's house last night (my dad and step-mom)but he was held the whole time and was more upset and irritable when we got home than he usually is, so i'm really learning that he just wants to sleep and be left alone between feedings, if he doesn't get good solid sleep then he doesn't eat well at the next feeding and that makes him feel yucky. Poor little guy, but he's getting me trained already, i know who's in charge here and it hasn't been me for quite some time :) Good thing i'm not a control freak or anything HAHA, oh well, i'm learning that lesson i suppose, i love all of my kids, they've all been little miracles and Catcher is certainly no different.

Catcher makes a Home Run!

2010-03-16T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's Tuesday, March 16th, and Catcher is officially home! He came home this morning and is doing well. His sisters are so in love with him and so excited to see him, they want to know what he is doing every second of the day, and pretty much everytime they ask, he is just sleeping :)zzzz

Adjusting to a new baby at home hasn't been terribly hard, but then again it's still Adam's day off, tomorrow will be a whole other story.

We made good friends with one of Catcher's nurses, Margie. You don't realize how much effect you can have on a person in such a short time. She's an awesome person and we look forward to adding her to our circle of friends.

We baked cookies for the NICU nurses and the girls made thank you cards, they've done so much to help our little Catcher have a nice stay, they made all the difference in the world. Thanks!!

Catcher update

2010-03-13T21:09:00.001-08:00

Had a wonderful visit with Catcher again today, and today's thanks goes to GrandDad for watching the kids (my dad :)

Today i brought an outfit for Catcher because by my view of things he should get to be in an open crib today, which means getting to wear clothes and be wrapped up in a blanket, no longer all nakey in an isolette. So sure enough when i got there the nurse told me that they would be taking him off the lights (jaundice all cleared up) and that since he was on room air anyway that he would be moving to an open crib. So i got out the little outfit i had for him and she let me dress him and i cannot explain how wonderful it felt to put clothes on my little guy. It made him feel like a normal healthy baby, not a sickly hospital baby. He did great mainting his temperature (which is the main requirement of being in an open crib) and was doing so well with all of his feedings that they pulled out the feeding tube. YAY! his face is now all clear from the oxygen and tubing he had before.

If it hadn't been for his episode of apnea a few days ago, he actually would be coming home tomorrow (which would have been 9 days just like my daughters did as preemies as well) however after an episode of apnea they are required to monitor him for five days. So by my calculations (and confirmed by the doctor) if he has no further episodes of apnea than he'll be home on tuesday. It feels so far away, but at the same time, sunday, monday and tuesday are Adam's days off, which means i can spend as much time at the hosptial as i want, and not worry about who i have watching the kids. So the time should pass easily i hope. I am so amazed at how well he's done, the nurses have really tried to not push him too hard so that he didn't have any steps back, which is normally common in preemies, but they have been so great. Can't thank them enough. Here's a pic of Catcher in his first outfit it says "i'm a great catch" and he sure is! i took the pic before they took out the feeding tube, so it's still there, but still cute none the less :)

Starting to "Catch" On

2010-03-12T15:54:00.000-08:00

I got to visit with Catcher for 6 hours this morning, it was soooo wonderful! Thanks mom for babysitting!

Today was another big day for our little guy, i breastfed again today and he did really really well, took about a half of his feeding that way, so that was really good. The doc was there when i arrived this morning so i talked to her for a few minutes. Apparently Catcher had an apnea episode yesterday morning, and after one of those they want to watch them for five days to make sure it doesn't happen again, so today was day one of the five, if it doesn't happen again then we'll be looking at Tuesday as a release day, but i'm not pushing it, if he's not ready then i'd rather he was being monitored there for things like that than have them happen at home and not realize it was happening. Apnea is when their heart rate drops and their oxygen saturation drops, and they usually stop breathing, they turn gray and it can be a bit scary, although in Catcher's case this was the second time it had happened and this time he recovered quickly and on his own, that is a good sign. I figure it probably happened when he was laying on his back, as that tends to be harder for him to breathe properly. But today when i went in he was breathing practically perfect while laying on his back, which is a very big step for him, one he's been having a lot of trouble with. His flow of oxygen was down to a half liter of room mix air, and after i ate lunch and came back i realized he'd pulled the tube out of his nose and it was not blowing into his nose at all and all of his numbers were still perfect. So when i pointed it out to the nurse she suggested letting it hang like that for a half hour or so and if all his numbers were still good then she would just pull it off. So a half hour later Catcher was officially taken off of oxygen! It was great to see even more of his little face, his feeding tube was moved to his nose to aid his suction at feedings, and hopefully within a couple of days of better feeding, than that tube will come out too.

He's getting stronger every day and i promise eventually i'm going to get the pictures i've taken up here for all to see, he's so beautiful, has blonde fuzz for hair and a sweet little nose that i think may turn out to be a "scott nose" if any one knows what that means :) Adam is anxious to see if Catcher has his chin, right now there is a derma-gaurd there from the tube that used to be in his mouth, but once that comes off we'll have a clearer view of his chin.

Today when he was laying on his back he had his arms up under his head and his feet all stretched out, he looked so comfy, just lounging in his bed. Although now that he's off of oxygen, he'll be in an open crib tomorrow probably. He is still in the isolet today because he was getting phototherapy again for jaundice (no big surprise) and it's easier to do in the isolet and keep them warm, than it is in an open crib, since they have to be all nakey with just a diaper on. But he'll probably be off the lights by tomorrow and that means an open crib and the posibility of even wearing clothes! i know it's silly but that's something i'm so excited for! I love looking at his little body, but seeing him in just a diaper reminds me he still has a lot of healing to do, seeing him in clothes would make him feel like a real little baby who might actually be coming home soon :)

a little bit of "Catch-ing" up

2010-03-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

There are so many puns to be made about Catcher's name, i admit it's kinda fun :)

Yesterday Catcher really started to turn a corner, in a good direction. Last i blogged, he was on a high flow oxygen, at 2 liters, and about 30% oxygen. Room air is 21%, so he was getting weaned closer and closer. Well yesterday he was doing so amazingly well that they decided to bring down the flow to 1 liter, and since he tolerated that so well they were able to switch him to a low flow nasal canula instead of the high flow. They upped his feedings yesterday too, they are still feeding him by tube because he is still on oxygen and they don't want to push him too hard and have him go backwards from working too hard and getting exhausted. I really appreciate that, because a lot of times just when you think your baby is doing better and they start pushing them too fast off of oxygen or onto bottle feedings and they're just not ready, then their poor little body gets so tired from working so hard that they end up back on more oxygen than before just to get a break. These nurses have been really careful not to do that...THANK YOU! It was exciting to see so much progress yesterday and most of it was while i was there holding him the whole time, he was doing just great.

Today got even better!!! When Adam and i went in to visit Catcher today he was on the low flow nasal canula and at room mix air! 21%!!!! Go Catcher! He was tolerating it so well that they were slowly going to turn down the flow until hopefully by tomorrow he can be off of it and in an open crib! Wow what a big step that would be! They upped his feedings again today to 45mls and he is tolerating them perfectly, no residuals left over between feedings and NO spit up at all, which is just awesome! His feedings are still thru a tube and today they said they wanted to start feeding him with a bottle or breastfeeding. Now even thru a bottle all he would get is the milk i've been pumping for him anyway, and the good thing about a bottle is they can see exactly how much food the baby eats, so i was fine if they wanted to start him with that. Well the nurse asked if i wanted to try to breastfeed him for his first real feeding instead. I said yes of course, but secretly didn't think he'd do very well, i've never seen him terribly anxious to suck on anything, not even the binky very much, but i figured why not try it. To my surprise he actually did much better than i expected, he didn't get much, but they didn't let him go for very long because he still has the oxygen on, they didn't want to push him too hard. He still got some (they use a syringe to suck everything out thru the tube down in the stomach to see how much more was in it than there was before feeding, then put it back in their stomach - this is how they check to make sure the baby is digesting between feedings) it was more than i expected, it was no where near a full feeding, but for how little he is and for his first time, i was quite impressed, as was the nurse. She put the rest of the feeding thru his tube, but they'll be starting him with a bottle soon and once he starts to get the hang of that they'll be able to take the tube out from his stomach and that will help him latch on better too.

The nurses asked how long his sisters were in the NICU for when they were born, and both Elaine and Katie were there for 9 days, the nurses are just sure Catcher is already in competition with his sisters and trying to show them up and be out in the same amount of time. I'm not pushing it, i figure i won't worry unless he's in there for more than 2 weeks since his birth. Tomorrow will only be one week, he's doing really well, but i want to be sure he's going to do well at home so i'm content to let him take his time to really get all the help he needs. I'm feeling more relaxed about his NICU stay than i did with Elaine and Katie, partially i think because he is so much closer, i don't have to drive all the way to Stockton just to visit like i did with Katie. Having Catcher right here in Modesto is fabulous. And having been thru this all before, i know it won't last forever, and in fact it will seem so short once it's done, that i'll wonder why i ever stressed about it.

All in all it has been a great couple of days for our little Catcher. He has a little stuffed hippo that we named Mitt, "Catcher's Mitt," the nurses all thought that was so cute, they keep Mitt cuddle in the crib right next to Catcher, it's like a little piece of us is close to him. We're going to have to bake lots of cookies and make a great big thank you card for these nurses when this is all over, they have been amazing!!

2010-03-09T04:59:00.000-08:00

It's 5am, can't sleep, might as well blog.

Yesterday Catcher came off of the CPAP machine and is on high flow oxygen, it's much prettier to look at, doesn't take up his whole head and face :) He is getting phototherapy for a slight jaundice, but we are so used to this because all of our babies went thru it. In fact yesterday before the nurses had even mentioned it Adam said "well next will be the tanning lights" (that's what the phototherapy lights look like) and he was right, within a few hours test results showed he was slightly jaundice. Not a huge deal, it's very common with preemies.

Catcher's little personality shines thru so much even though he is still so tiny. Most babies, especially preemies, like to stay curled up tight, like they were when they were in the womb, Catcher however is not like most tiny babies. He LOVES to stretch out in every direction. He likes to be on his tummy with both arms out and at least one leg kicked straight out, and sometimes both legs straight out. I used to feel him do this all the time on the inside, he'd move in every direction all at once and he was very particular how I would lay, if i was laying in a position he found uncomfortable he would kick and kick and kick until i'd move and then he'd calm right down. It's so strange how things i felt him do on the inside and wondered about, are now the same things he's doing on the outside. I feel like i knew him so well before he ever entered the world, I love my little Catcher!

I got to hold him for the first time yesterday!!! yay! He is still hooked up to a lot of machines and an IV so it was a little precarious trying to get it all settled but it was so wonderful to bond with him and to feel him breathe against me. it's like baby magic. All of his vital signs were stronger and more regular while i was holding him. It's proven that this kind of holding (koala care, or skin to skin) can really improve the health of a preemie, so i'm looking forward to cuddling my little guy as often as possible.

I know that all of this will seem so short and insignificant once he's home, but this time in the hospital right now feels like it's going to last forever. Although i remember feeling this way with my girls when they were in the NICU too, so i know it really won't last forever, just feels like it. It of course doesn't help that since my body just had a baby i'm all hormonal, i know i'm irrational and unreasonable about stuff, but that doesn't make it any easier not to cry over every little thing. Yesterday i cried because i couldn't find my hairbrush, now in hindsight of course that is just silly, but in the moment i was so frustrated and tired and stressed and all i needed to do was brush my hair so we could go visit Catcher, and i couldn't without the brush. See there i go trying to rationalize irrational behavior, man it's gonna be crazy for a while lol.

All about Catcher

2010-03-07T13:14:00.000-08:00

Catcher Lee Hoskins was born Friday, March 5th, 2010 at 11:20 in the evening (not 11:48 as originally reported by my sister on facebook:) He was born via c-Section because there was so much that had been going wrong with my body that the dr and i had a long discussion weighing the pro's and con's of an early delivery. I was 34 weeks pregnant and my blood pressure was really getting out of control, i'd been having SEVERE headaches (a sign that the blood pressure could cause a stroke) and to top it off the fluid around the baby had fallen to dangerously low levels. Last week my fluid level was a 12 (they view pockets of fluid on an ultrasound and measure their size to give a total overall amount)a 12 was much lower than it had been, but not bad. Well at my appointment on friday the level had dropped to a 7, and if the level drops to 5, it will most likely kill the baby. Waiting any longer to deliver the baby would have more than likely killed him as they didn't know how fast the fluid was dropping. To clarify, i was not losing fluid, not like my "water broke" or anything, this was all caused by the high blood pressure. high blood pressure puts pressure on the kidneys to work harder and can cause real damage to the kidneys, well the baby's kidneys help replenish the fluid and if my blood pressure remained high consistently it had an adverse effect on his kidneys as well which caused the fluid to not replenish as it was used in normal function by the baby. Anyway, all the medical crap aside it came down to the fact that delivering friday meant an early LIVE baby, delivering even a week later would most likely mean a dead baby. in those terms it made an easy choice, deliver that night.

Then of course we couldn't just stop there and make everything wonderful, no i had to go and have more complications after delivery....just to make it more exciting i suppose lol. I was recovering from my c-section which had occured very late at night and around 3am a nurse who was checking on me noticed that the incision from the c-section didn't look right, i won't give you the gory details but it didn't look right so she called the dr. The dr at first thought it was no big deal over the phone but i heard the nurse nearly yell at him to get here right away. So he came, he looked, i went back in for another surgery. Apparently i was bleeding inside and it was making a massive hematoma (colleciton of blood) under the incision. This was bad for several reasons not the least of which was all the blood i was losing inside my own body, as well as the pressure it was putting on the incision. Anyway, i had to have another spinal block and another surgery to open me up stop the bleeding and close me up again. Then even more time to recover. Apparently this pregnancy just had to be a big production, couldn't make anything easy, not even the recovery :)

But it is Sunday now and i've been up and walking around and feeling great since yesterday afternoon. Catcher is in the NICU at Kaiser in Modesto for now but may be transferred to Santa Clara to be watched more closely. His main problem is breathing, as to be expected at his young gestation his lungs are not quite mature yet, but we've been down this road before and i'm sure he'll be out in a few weeks. thanks to everyone who's already wished congratulations, we'll post pictures as soon as possible.

To Bed Rest, or Not to Bed Rest? That is the question.

2010-03-01T12:06:00.000-08:00

Well i enjoyed several weeks of freedom from bedrest, but it appears i am back there again. My blood pressure is jumping up again, and is only up when i'm up, if i lay down it goes back to normal, go figure, this has been the problem most of the pregnancy. It had resolved for almost a month, everything was better, and now it's not again. We aren't really sure why it all of a sudden got worse again, but it means we're probably still looking at an early delivery. But just how early is up to the Dr. I have an appointment this week on Friday with the dr and i'll be 34 weeks, both Elaine and Katie were born at 35, so i don't know if they'll want me to wait one more week just to hit 35 or if they'll just decide to stop messing with my body and take the little guy out at 34. I really don't know. But either way it feels like we could be looking at little Catcher's face within the next two weeks sometime. I'm scared and excited all at the same time. It's a lot to take in. I had gotten used to the idea that since i was doing better that maybe i could go full term for once, or at least much closer to it, and the idea of taking home a baby the same time i go home, i mean wow, that would be awesome, i've never had that before and i was really starting to feel like it could be a reality! But alas it appears that may not be the case. Although his health will not be bad by being born this early he may still spend a week or two in the NICU simply for being early, i don't know. A lot of unknowns still, but rest assured i'll certainly let everyone know when Catcher arrives, whenever it may be.

the big 3 2

2010-02-17T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well tomorrow we are finally 32 weeks into this pregnancy. I am so relieved to have made it this far, and with all things holding good, we may yet make it to 38 weeks. I wouldn't know what to do with a healthy baby who comes home when i do, i've never had that, but i'm excited to see what that's like! lol

32 weeks is a major milestone, after this baby is just getting bigger and maturing his lungs, everything else is in place and good. It's just a small sigh of relief, which it will continue to be a new sigh of relief with each week that passes. I am just amazed at how well things are going for us. I have been able to resume normal activity, i'm still being monitored twice a week and seeing the dr often because they're just worried it's all gonna come back, but for now i'm just enjoying things going well....for once!

Baby is moving so much it's insane, the girls never moved like this, he just isn't content to sit in one position. For the past several weeks he has been shifting from breech postion (heads up) to a head down position about twice a week. For how big he measures they are always surprised when they see that he's changed again, but for the past few days i can feel him trying to switch around (he's been head down for almost a week now) and i don't think he has the room to do it anymore. It's funny cause i can feel his little behind and legs all pushing to try and turn himself over, it's a little painful even because he's pushing so hard to turn over, but then when he can't do it i can feel him go back to his resting position and just kick his feet. I swear he's stomping his feet in anger and frustration lol. He's a stubborn one, i can tell already.

Wondering what he's going to look like, i still can't picture a little boy in our family, what with all the pink and frilly stuff we have, how is "little boy blue" going to fit in to all of that? haha, everytime i look in his closet and see the boy outfits i just cannot picture what it'll be like to have a boy. I'm excited and nervous as usual with any new baby. It's all getting closer!

Medical Miracle

2010-02-05T17:49:00.000-08:00

My dr has decided i am his own personal medical mystery, i prefer the term medical miracle instead. The preeclampsia is completely gone. The protein has gone down to normal levels, and my blood pressure is more normal every day, even with regular activity, taking care of kids and running errands and the like. Then today at a monitoring appointment we listened again and heard the sound a heartbeat with ZERO arrhythmia, it was completely normal!

The dr came in today even though i was only meeting with the nurses because he wanted to know how it could be possible for a patient to have preeclampsia and have it just go away. There are two ways to look at this:

Theory number 1: it never WAS preeclampsia, it was caused by the kidney stone all along, and now that the baby kicked the stone down into the bladder, the kidney is no longer in distress and no longer causing the symptoms.

Theory number 2: who cares why, it's because of all of the prayers and the blessing i was given that this was all a miracle from God, because even if the preeclampsia symptoms were being caused by the kidney stone, it does not explain the arrhythmia and it's also miraculous disappearance at the same time as the disappearance of the preeclampsia....i mean maybe i'm just overly optimistic and excited to see the hand of God in my own life, but it's pretty obvious the only way both of these things could simply disappear on their own is with a little divine intervention! Besides as is always said, to God there are no miracles, he understands the workings of life and death and illnesses in a way we never could, and if he wants to fix them, well then he just does, because he understands how.

Either way i suppose it doesn't really matter, although it seems to matter to my dr who is just dumbfounded by it all. He still checks in on me thru email, i think he's afraid to count it as completely gone, worried it'll suddenly reappear again, which is entirely possible, heck anything is at this point! But this is getting me so much further in this pregnancy than we thought possible that even if it does come back Catcher is getting bigger by the day and that means a healthier little guy in the end.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us...it worked!

Feeling Human again!

2010-02-03T12:34:00.000-08:00

Over the weekend i decided to test a theory. My blood pressure has been running much lower than it was even just a few weeks ago. If i truly have "preeclampsia" this would not really be possible, because it never gets better during pregnancy, once diagnosed it only gets worse, and the only cure is delivery of the baby. Well if my blood pressures were getting better, it's proof that more of these symptoms are related to the dreaded kidney stone, than to preeclampsia. Now the symptoms for preeclampsia (elevated blood pressures, and protein in the urine being the basic first signs) are also similar to things that can occur from a kidney stone, and they did start only a week or so after i developed the kidney stone. However these symptoms developed after i'd learned to control the pain from the stone. In fact i learned to control the pain so well that when i layed in the right position i felt NO pain at all, i could literally shut off pain from that part of my body (took some serious mind work to figure out, but it was safer than taking pain meds thru the rest of the pregnancy) Well when the drs realized i wasn't in pain, they didn't think the symptoms of high blood pressure and protein could be caused by the kidney stone, they were just sure if the kidney was in that much distress all on it's own, that it would be hurting so bad i would not have been able to control it without pain meds....uh huh, yeah right!

So about two weeks ago, the baby gave the kidney stone (which until then had been trapped in the Ureter - the tube leading from the kidney to the bladder)a nice hard kick and dislodged it, sending it rattling down into my bladder. Well i've talked about all that before, but the interesting thing is that although the day after that happened my protein seemed to go up and they thought i was getting worse with preeclampsia, once they cured the bladder infection being caused by the stone irritating the bladder, then over these past two weeks, the symptoms have started to almost dissappear! The protein is nearly indetectable, the blood pressures are "near" normal (not quite perfect, but pretty close!) and i feel about a zillion times better. I mean i was able to tell my body not to feel "pain" from that part of me, but i couldn't control the effects that the weakened kidney were otherwise having on my body. Now that the stone isn't blocking the kidney anymore, and it's starting to heal, my whole body feels better. I mean i'm still pregnant so i'm tired a lot and i move slower :) but as far as overall, my body feels soo much better! I wish they would have done something about the kidney stone earlier, i kept asking the urologist to go ahead and do the stint just in case the symptoms were being caused by the stone, but she reiterated that if i wasn't hurting, it wasn't that bad off so she wasn't going to do anything about it. Maybe if they had done the stint and relieved the pressure off the kidney then these symptoms could have gone down even sooner and they wouldn't have freaked out about preeclampsia!

I don't know, i've still got a little ways to go, but i'm hoping to at least make it to March, the baby's due in April, but i don't know that they'll want to push it that far, depending on how things continue to develop, but either way, we're looking at a much larger, much healthier baby in the scheme of things, and we can only thank our Heavenly Father for the blessings which have been given to us thru all of this! I could never thank Him enough, i can only hope to show my gratitude thru service when this is all over, and hope to help someone else in need.

possibly exciting news!

2010-01-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

Today i saw the nurses at Kaiser to get the baby monitored. My blood pressure was lower than it has been in a while (still slightly elevated, but nothing like it had been) and there was NO protein detectable in my urine (which is also VERY down from previous) and the baby's heart had NO arrhythmia the whole time he was monitored!!

It's very easy to get my hopes up about all of this and think that at my appointment next week maybe the dr will say i don't have preeclampsia after all and i can be off of bedrest. Perhaps it's just wishful thinking because i don't think the husband man would let me off bedrest because he's paranoid that i would suddenly get worse. But maybe i can do be off of bedrest on a trial basis and see how my blood pressure does. Now i know that preeclampsia doesn't just go away until they deliver the baby, but i'm thinking at this point that this was all being caused more by the kidney stone than anything else. The stone, as far as i can tell, dropped into my bladder about two weeks ago after getting a swift kick from Catcher. It wouldn't have moved down on it's own because of it's large size, but i felt the baby kick it (it hurt like NOTHING else!) and then i started having bladder spasms and a bladder infection immediately after that. (i know this may be TMI, but it's my life right now!) So once they fixed the infection which was most likely caused by irritation from the giant stone rattling around in my bladder, all things seem to be returning to more normal levels. Now technically i still qualify as having preeclampsia, but things are definitely moving in a better direction since the stone moved out of the tube it was blocking. I thought from the very beginning that the high blood pressure and elevated protein levels could have been caused by the kidney in distress from the stone....but people see a pregnant woman with these symptoms and automatically assume they know what it is... preeclampsia. Well when i asked the Urologist about it in the beginning of all of this she said that if the kidney was so distressed as to be causing the blood pressure and protein, that i would be in severe pain. But you know maybe i just have a higher pain tolerance, i mean really, i've dealt with chronic pain from Arthritis for a very long time (since about age 7)so maybe i just wasn't feeling the pain the same way other people normally would. She said since i could control the discomfort without medication that the kidney couldn't be in that bad of shape or i would be in such serious pain as to NEED medication. Well excuse me for being able to manage my pain better than that, cause now that the stone is rattling around in my bladder and not blocking any flow from the kidneys, well suddenly the numbers are turning around a bit. Go figure.

I don't know if maybe this is just a fluke, or maybe it's just all been the kidney stone all along, only time will tell, but i am 29 weeks and we're moving further every day towards a bigger healthier baby. Maybe i'm just getting my hopes up for nothing, but i think at this point that if things continue to trend in this happy direction, that there's a possibility of a near full term baby...what do you think? Just being optimistic i suppose, but it never hurt.

Being Thankful

2010-01-26T20:18:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting in a near silent room for quite sometime. The children went to sleep quite easily (not an everyday ocassion) so the hallway, void of their laughter and screams, sits eerily silent. The only sounds which carry down it's vacant hallways are that of the rare night time cough, the subtle sounds of bed sheets rustling, and the dog as she wanders around the table searching for lost crumbs dropped by the chair's previous occupants. The dogs clinking collar and tags remains for only a few minutes, each crumb quickly licked, she finds a spot to lay down and the sound of her flop, followed by a final clink from her tags, and ends with a sigh as a contented canine relaxes at day's end.

My mind wanders as i notice the few sounds left in the bedroom where i spend nearly every waking (and non waking) hour of these long days. The sound of the ceiling fan, it clicks as it sits slightly off balance, it's short chain clinking gently against the glass of the lamps hanging down from it's center. The sound of my own typing, clicking, then silent, then clicking again. I am given pause to ponder.

I ponder on what duration this all might last. Will we somehow miraculously manage to keep this little life inside of me until some point as late as even March? I dare not care to guess at this, for i find that if i guess and perhaps in guessing, find myself hoping, i may only be dissappointed if guesses and hopes disappear at some near future doctor's visit. So i only allow myself these thoughts for a moment. Then i wonder on what life may eventually turn into when this child finally arrives, whenever that may be, not just into this world, but into our home, as those two things will not necessarilly be at the same time. How different should life end up being with four kids? How will outtings go? How will the children behave after such a long period of spending so much time with other people, to go back to spending so much time with me? So many questions, and so few answers.

I stare at the cursor, it's flashing line poised to give life to my typed words. It sits in a vacant box asking "status update." I read other people's "updates" all day long, finding interest, intrigue, or sometimes confusion at the brief glimpses this gives me into the lives of these "friends." Some more acquaintances than friends, people i knew once on a personal, or semi-personal basis, but have now moved on with their lives, as have i, and yet i am allowed this voyeristic view of their day to day "updates," or perspectives, on that precise moment in their day or in their life. What then should i allow others to see in this moment of my life. I dare not repeat the mundaneness of the monotony of boredom i feel daily. This has been mentioned, and surely there are others who would wish for such freedom from life, even just for a moment. So instead, what should i say? Should i tell then about the subtle sounds of the dog drifting down the dark hallway to my room? The clinking chain of the ceiling fan? The ceiling fan, suddenly i am given pause as i stare at it's hypnotic spinning arms. If i close my eyes i can feel it's gentle breeze stirring the air around me into a soft cool wind, only felt in my room, in my space. I am suddenly in awe and gratitude of this little thing, this wind in my otherwise stagnant day.

It is something to be thankful for. In that moment i realize that there are a great many things i am grateful for, that i have failed to take note of. In gratitude i remember He that has blessed me with all things wonderful, Heavenly Father.

The curser still blinks, awaiting my thoughts. I have decided that in this "status update" view of my life, i should tell those things which i am grateful for...for nothing else truly matters in this life, but that which we can see the good in, for there is good in all things.

Thank you for ceiling fans. Thank you for a breeze which exists solely in my space to bring me comfort. And truly for all things in this life, THANK YOU.

nothing new, just blah blah blah

2010-01-24T11:38:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but today i'm having a hard time with the best rest crap. Maybe it's because it's been 2 months of this and i am tired of laying around! Maybe it's because i want to clean so bad it hurts, physically hurts everytime i walk out in the living room or kitchen for one little thing and see how much i would love to be doing instead! (don't worry i only really walk out there if i need a drink of water in the middle of the night and there is no one else to get me one...i really am being good about resting) And it's sweet of all the offers i've had for people to come over and clean, and Lee Ann even actually did...came over and did some serious cleaning! But in a house with three kids and a husband loose in it, well the clean doesn't last very long. And truth be told it's not about getting it clean, it's about doing the cleaning, there is something so satisfying in cleaning my house, cleaning it the way i want it, and doing it myself! I appreciate the help my mom has been, in cleaning and taking care of things three days a week, and on weekends when my dad or my husband's parents watch the kids, and the various people who have taken shifts here and there, but i am seriously going insane not doing this by myself.

It's hard enough to say thankyou enough for all the people who have been a help in some way, to my husband who is doing everything, and more, humanly possible to keep things together, to my mother who is killing herself everyday she's over here to keep the house in order and the kids routines going, and all everyone else. But it's so hard to thank them when i wish i didn't have to be, because i wish they could relax and i could take care of them for all the care they've given me.

I know people are going to read this and make comments like "it'll be over before you know it" or "it's all for a good cause" or "we love helping!" and while they're all true, and i've heard them all a million times, i just need to rant about this, i'm going nuts right now, trying to find things to entertain my mind and my hands, it is a boringness that is beyond any boring i've ever known, and frustrating too. I know Catcher is worth all of this, and i'm glad to know i'm getting my tubes tied when he's born so i KNOW i won't ever have to go through this again, but it's hard waiting for an unknown time when this will all be over and life can be normal again, with one extra little person in our family. Not knowing when is killing me, i mean technically there is a due date and i know it CAN'T be any longer than that, but it probalby won't be as far as that, and i hate not knowing how long this will go on, i'm a control freak and i'm not getting to control anything right now....that must be what it all comes down to, i'm feeling out of control. Out of control of my body and what's wrong with it that i can't fix, out of control of my own care, and the care of my family. Out of control of how long this will last. Control is very hard to let go of, someday i'll get it back, and until then it dangles before me, constantly reminding me i don't have it. Argg. Ok enough ranting.

home....AGAIN

2010-01-21T11:41:00.001-08:00

Yes you heard right, i know i said before that i would be living in the hospital until the baby comes, but today they changed their mind, (they being the dr's)

Some of the tests that were inflated last week turned out to be because of the bladder infection i had (which i kept trying to tell them and they kept ignoring anyway) well so now that it's gone they feel that my mild preeclampsia is back to being just fine monitored at home.

My blood pressures have been super low while i've been laying in a hospital bed, the dr says i have better blood pressure than anyone he's ever seen (especially considering my weight). So at home i am supposed to rest IN BED, not on the couch, and not out with the kids even if someone else is taking care of them, otherwise i could end up back here AGAIN. Please no! I am so getting tired of this back and forth hospital stuff. I just get myself mentally prepared to be spending a long time in the hospital and instead they send me home.

Don't get me wrong, i am VERY happy that my health is not that bad and that will give Catcher more time on the inside, this makes me very happy to know that he'll be getting bigger and healthier. And i did kind of feel pointless being here, the nurses kept pointing out how low and good my blood pressures have been, so i suppose it makes sense not to waste their time taking care of me, but i still worry that this could turn worse at home, that's the thing about preeclampsia, it can turn worse at a moments notice. So it's all back to the waiting game.

Just trying to keep everybody posted, this baby is staying in as long as possible, heck maybe i could think optimistic and hope he could make it to 35 weeks just like my other babies, wouldn't that be great!

Spending time in the Hospital

2010-01-20T11:09:00.001-08:00

I'm emailing in my blog because for whatever reason i can't seem to bring up the blog website, so here's hoping this works.

At an appointment yesterday (tuesday) the dr had a discussion with me about choosing to be monitored at the hospital until delivery, whenever that may be. It was a tough choice to make, no one wants to decide to spend that much time away from their family and home and kids. But if at any point the preeclampsia suddenly gets worse and i am at home, the consequences could be catastrophic for both Catcher and/or myself. I finally decided to agree with the dr that this may be the best option for the baby, to keep him in there the longest if i'm not getting up to go to the dr's office every few days, instead the dr and the lab and the ultrasound all come to me in the hospital instead, it will keep my bp lower longer is the hope.

I've only been here one night, and i'm trying to think long term, that hopefully this bedrest will work so well we could go maybe even to 35 weeks (though that may be wishful thinking) but that means a VERY long hospital stay. But every day i worry that something new will go wrong, it seems like things keep going wrong out of the blue, and at any point they could say that they're not gonna wait around anymore and they want me to have the baby. That literally could happen anytime and that makes me nervous. I guess it's just the control freak in me, not knowing WHEN is sooo hard! Everyone asks my due date and when i tell them it's april 15th, they always say wow you have so long to go, but the reality is, i have no clue how long i have left to go, it could be this month or next or even in march (if we're lucky)

I'll be trying to post regularly of any changes, but for now i'm just sitting around being bored at Dameron Hospital in Stockton. For those who have asked, we have Kaiser and this is the closest Kaiser hospital with a high level NICU to handle an early baby like Catcher, no matter how early he is. And because this could all change at a moments notice, they want me staying in the hospital that is best for Catcher when he is born so he can be born quickly if need be. They will not let me do bed rest in modesto and just transfer here for the birth, doesn't work that way unfortunately. If anyone is up for the drive, i'm always here, feel free to stop in and say hi :)

a short dr's appointment

2010-01-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

Had to go in to get monitored today, they're monitoring twice a week now. But of course my dr is out of town and the perinatologist is in Stockton on Fridays so he was not there either. So the nurse needed to get a dr to look at the printout from the monitoring before she could let me go, so she found a different dr who has never seen me before. Well that dr looks over all my stuff, the high blood pressure and everything, and then sees the baby's weird heart beat and kinda freaks out a little bit. So she decides to come in and listen to the baby for a while and the whole while i'm trying to reassure her that a pediatric cardiologist has examined the heart as good as possible and assures us this will probably resolve itself, but until then it doesn't seem to bother the baby. It's funny that I, the patient, had to practically hold the dr's hand to keep her from freaking out over every weird thing going on in my pregnancy. Not to mention the kidney stone, the bladders spasms, and the arthritic hip that is killing me...haha, it's kinda fun to freak out a dr who is new to my case, when it's all starting to feel like old news to me :)

I must say though, that it was strange to sit and listen to the baby's strange and irratic heart beat while two other women are also hooked up to monitors on either side of me and their babies are beating away like normal when my little guy just has a very strange rhythm, well it's arrhythmia is what it is. But it's definitely unique, and while all moms can tell their baby by their cry after they're born, i could pick out my baby's heart beat out of a room full of monitors, it makes him feel special :)

the BIG appointment

2010-01-13T14:47:00.000-08:00

Today's appointment felt like such a major appointment at the dr's office for multiple reasons. First of all, we knew that the pediatric cardiologist was going to be there to evaluate baby Catcher's heart arrhythmia's (irregular heartbeat) so we were looking forward to getting some answers about that. And after some tests last week, we knew that the dr was going to tell us that the preeclampsia is getting more severe and were interesed to hear what the new game plan would be for the coming weeks. Plus we're almost 27 weeks (will be tomorrow) and 28 weeks is a huge milestone, that we are so excited to only be a week away from that, every day and week beyond 28 weeks just gives the baby that much more good chances upon arrival.

So first of all we had a joy trying to find this office, the visit was in stockton because that's where both the perinatologist (high risk pregnancy dr) and the pediatric cardiologist (kids heart dr) were both located. Of course there are a million kaiser buildings all next to each other and we had to figure out which building to go to, finally, it was in the third building we tried :) Well they of course were all worried about my blood pressure again, but if i hadn't had to walk around so much just to get into my appointment it wouldn't be so dang high, it goes down when i lay down. Well then of course as usual there was protein in my urine, which we again knew, these are both indicators of the preeclampsia i have. if the protein gets to high, my kidneys could suffer permanent damage, and if the blood pressure stays high, i'm at risk for stroke, seizures, liver damage, and at worst...death of myself and/or the baby. This is why, preeclampsia is no laughing matter. Anyway, then they took me in for an ultrasound, they made adam wait in the waiting room for all of this because the ultrasound was a specialized kind and so it was going to be very long and not exactly fun to watch, it's a lot of measurements and exact pictures to be taken, it's not really a "for fun" ultrasound. so he waited out there for an hour...yes the ultrasound really took an hour! The specialist they had doing the ultrasound was really friendly though and she talked to me the whole time which made the time not seem as long. But i was hurting so bad by the end of it because dang those beds are hard!

When she finished the ultrasound, i thought i was done, but she told me "oh no..lots more" she brought in the Husband Man, and then two other dr's came in, the perinatologist, Dr. Graham, and the pediatric cardiologist, Dr. Woods. Then as i lay on the bed they looked over all the pictures already done on the previous ultrasound then asked for specific live images and numbers. The strange thing was, because the screen was pointed towards them so they could see, that meant i couldn't see, and i'm laying there and all i can do is watch their faces and wonder what is going through their minds. They're whispering a little bit and pointing, and saying "go back, i need to see that again" and scrutinizing the screen for at least 20 minutes. It was an agonizing 20 minutes, partially because this was when we were hoping to get some information on the baby's heart, and partially because my hips were hurting so bad from laying on my back for so freakin long! ouch!

But at the end of it, Dr. Woods said she didn't think the arrhythmia was anything to worry about, it doesn't happen ALL the time, it's now on the fourth beat, but not EVERY fourth beat (last week it was on the third beat) so, there's some promise that it is spreading out more and will eventually dissipate, and even if it doesn't, she was impressed to see that it doesn't impeded his growth or movement, which a serious heart defect would. There were no abnormalities noticeable in the heart, but he will be reevaluated after birth. So that was a sigh of relief, not looking at any heart surgeries anytime soon....phew! Then dr. graham asked if i was doing the kick count at home (counting how many kicks i feel from the baby within one hour) i laughed and told him that normally i feel 70-80 kicks in an hour, but that last night i did the count after eating a bowl of ice cream, and i felt 111 in one hour! no joke, one hundred and eleven kicks in one hour! He had to nearly pick his jaw up off the floor, he had NEVER heard of a baby moving that much, not even after ice cream :)

After the ultrasound they took me back to have the baby monitored for about another 20-30 minutes and then sent me to talk to the dr. We talked with the dr about our current options, you see last week a test showed that my urine protein levels are rising significantly and that is a great cause for concern, they jumped from around 300, to 977! that is a very large jump, if it continues at this rate, we could have a problem. At this point our option is....hospital bed rest until the it becomes necessary to deliver the baby, or continue the home bed (couch) bed rest with 3 dr's appointments a week until it becomes necessary to deliver. He said normally he wouldn't let me continue home bed rest, except that i am keeping such good track of everything at home, it's like being my own nurse. He knows i am very aware of everything with my body and that i would tell him if i felt something was wrong, he appreciates my obsession with all things medical (he calls it being detail oriented and well informed :) and thinks that's just as good as having a nurse keep track of it at the hospital. So for the time being we opted for home bed rest, although i think Adam is trying to talk me into hospital bed rest, knowing i would be taken care of, i know he worries all day while he's at work, and that would put his mind somewhat at ease i think. But we're still weighing the plus's and minus's of both options. 3 appointments a week is a lot of up time, and in the hospital the dr's would come to me instead. But in the hospital i would NOT get to see my kids at all because with the whole H1N1 flu thing, no visitors under 16 are allowed AT ALL, not even to visit new family members or anything....it would be so hard to not see my kids at all for however long this would end up being. Now there may come a time when the dr doesn't give us a choice of hospital or home, but for now, we are on home bed rest, again, only allowed up to potty, NOTHING else. I'm pretty good about it, i'm getting used to it i guess.

Oh on a funny note :
The dr ordered some labs to be drawn and wanted the results STAT, which means in a super big hurry. So when he input them in the computer he put that the return date for the results should be December 31, 1842...yes i wrote that right, 1842....haha, the lab was a little confused by that, but it was just to say he wanted them back like years ago, so get it done quick! haha, medical humor i suppose :)

All in all, long tiring day, glad to be back to my wonderful couch, and on a positive note, baby catcher's estimated weight (from the measurements they did on the ultrasound) is already 2pounds 13 ounces, that's almost 3 pounds already!!! we're only just 27 weeks and most baby's don't weigh even 2 pounds until after 28 weeks, so we're so excited that he is growing so big because when it comes to an early baby, the bigger the better for his life outside mommy's belly. Keep growing baby Catcher...we love you :)

Be prepared for a VERY long story about my stay in the Hospital

2010-01-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

So it all started a few days ago.... I was sitting up on the couch, about to get up and go to the bathroom, when all the sudden baby Catcher gave a very HUGE kick in my back, which i could tell hit the kidney stone. It was SOOO extremely painful, i actually fell OFF the couch!! I recovered quickly but then noticed that suddenly my bladder was spasming. For the next day i could continually feel my bladder squeazing and contracting. and before you ask, NO these were not uterine contractions, it was VERY obviously just my bladder spasming. It became quite painful and rather unbearable because every time it squeazes i feel like i have to pee, even if i just went! (soo annoying!) It doesn't help that baby Catchers kick was also a turn and now he is head up with his feet down on my bladder. So often times in between it's own squeazing, the bladder gets a squeaze from a baby foot. Basically CONSTANT pain and discomfort.

Finally when i couldn't stand it anymore i decided to call and make an appointment to be seen, to see if there was anything they could do about this. The only appointment available was with the Nurse Midwife, now i knew she couldn't really do anything for me, after all, she can't write a prescription, however she was right down the hall from the other dr's so i knew she could find SOMEBODY to help me...lol. So yesterday (thursday) afternoon i went in to see her. Well of course just walking from the lobby to the back where they took my blood pressure made it INSANELY high. I am used to this, it happens at every appointment. BP this time though was 155/107, the highest it has ever been during this pregnancy. So anyway, the nurse puts me in a room to wait for the Nurse Midwife, and wait, and wait.....and WAIT. I don't think i've ever waited so long! Well she pops her head in for like a second to tell me that she took one look at the BP and the +1 Urine Protein and went straight to the perinatologist who happened to be there that day. She was waiting to hear from him.

So, wait a minute, i came in here to get my bladder problem fixed and now you're not even going to adress it??? Nope.

Now the Perinatologist is Dr Graham, we happened to have already seen him a few weeks ago, it felt like such a random appointment, all he did was take my history and send me on my way. However that meant that now when the Nurse Midwife came to him worried about my BP, he already had my history in his computer, so it turned out to have been a good thing. Well so then he decides i should be admitted to the hosptial and checked out. He agrees that these preeclampsia signs are very risky so early in pregnancy. (i was 26 weeks that day)

I get sent to Dameron Hospital in Stockton because we have Kaiser. And because with preeclampsia there's always a chance of early delivery, i needed to be at a hospital with a high level NICU, and while Doctor's Medical Center in Modesto, has a great high level NICU, it is not a Kaiser affiliated hospital. The nearest Kaiser affiliated hospital with a high level NICU is Dameron in Stockton.

I check in and they get me set up in a room, the whole drill of pee in a cup, strip down and put on a gown...i swear, there is no decency left when you're in the hospital, especially when you're pregnant!

The protein in my urine is up from the +1 at the dr's office to now a +2, probably because i had to be up the whole day from appointment to car ride to the hospital, to getting set up in the room, a lot of up time means a lot of high blood pressure, a lot of high blood pressure means poor kidney function, which in turn means more protein in the urine.

They took my BP and again it was too high, so they lay be down and try to get Catcher's heart beat on the monitor. I try to tell them that this is the MOST uncooperative baby when it comes to catching his heart rate EVER! at every appointment they spend quite a while just trying to find it with a doppler, which is a little wand that is more sensative than the pad they use for monitoring. They try and try and try and the little guy just won't hold still, they'll get his heart rate for a second and he'll turn over or literally KICK the monitor and it will shift on my stomach off of him. He's a strong little guy! At only 26 weeks, i am amazed at his strength. I think he thinks they are playing a game with him, because they push with the monitor and he pushes back, till he pushes it off! So they got out the doppler to find the best place for his heart beat and be able to know where to put the monitor. So they try and they try and they try some more, they could find it but only for a moment before he would kick them away, or if they found it, they couldn't get a reading on it for some reason. The dr was getting annoyed at nurse after nurse trying to get a read and he decided to take a try. He used the doppler but just couldn't get a consistent reading so he brings in an ultrasound... That's when the real drama began.

On the ultrasound the dr could find the heart beat but discovered that the reason even the doppler couldn't pick it up very well was because it was having arrhythmia. Now a doppler machine and even the fetal heart monitor uses every three beats and the time in between to give an average beats per minute. When Catcher is having arryhthmia (which means irregular heart beat) his heart takes a long pause after every two beats. The machine needs three consecutive beats to form an average. His heart is beating, and he's certainly not having any lack of energy because he was also moving all OVER the place! The kid has a swimming pool in there, i have a lot of amniotic fluid and he certainly makes good use of it! lol. This isn't a dangerous amount of fluid, just extra, that's why he has sooo much room to move away from the doppler, and his arrhthmia is why the doppler and other monitors can't get an accurate reading. You could clearly see where his heart actually would stop after every second beat, then start again. Now while he's in utero (in my belly) it's not a huge issue, because he's getting blood through the placenta that is pumping through his body with my heart doing the work. However, they then began to try to figure out what was causing these irregular heart beats. We watched as it continued, the dr waited a while, hoping it would just go back to normal, and it didn't. This began a whole new set of tests and questions left to be answered. So here they are telling me to relax and take it easy to keep my blood pressure down and they're telling me my baby's heart isn't working right....it's a little difficult to be calm about it.

Now i don't know why this is the first time we're seeing this, because we've had at least 4 or 5 ultrasounds already before this one in the hospital. And this is not the reason i came to the hospital at all, however, it all ends up being a good thing i was there because who knows if we would have caught this otherwise. Now we still don't know what is causing his arrhythmia, whether it's a deformation in his heart, or some other systemic problem, but we now will be meeting with a pediatric cardiologist who will be with us until delivery and be able to already be in the loop on the possible complications with little Catcher. If we hadn't caught this now, and the baby is born early without anyone knowing about this problem, the result could have been disastrous. And while the end result is still unknown, knowing that a pediatric cardiologist (kid's heart dr) will be there when he's born, already aware of what problems there may be, and be prepared to deal with them, that makes us all feel a little bit better.

On top of everything, they kept me overnight continually checking my BP and the baby's heart to see if it was any different, and never did they actually discuss my stupid bladder smasms....lol. I was in discomfort from them the whole time, but they wouldn't let me sit up, (which helps a little) and they had me on the hardest bed on the planet!! My right hip is arthritic and trying to sleep was near impossible. They finally let me go today (friday, January 8th) because they saw that while i was down the bp is pretty normal. I'm now on very strict bed rest, literally ONLY allowed up to go potty and THAT'S IT!! So if you come to my door and i don't answer, peek in my front window so i can see who you are and i'll tell ya to come in...i live on the couch, the most comfortable place on earth.

There's hope that with continued bed rest we may be able to hold Catcher in there until 32 weeks....and with a miracle, maybe even beyond. But it's all up to my body and how long before this preeclampsia decides to get worse...we won't know till it happens.

My husband and his father and brother in law gave me a blessing, we're praying Catcher's heart problem is not major and won't require surgery, but mostly we're praying for comfort that Heavenly Father will help us to feel comfort in the decisions we make on his and my behalf in the upcoming weeks. We pray for the doctors involved to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and able to make the best dianosis and choices for his eventual healthy outcome.

Thank you to everyone who is supporting us spiritually and physically and emotionally through this time, it means more than you know!!

still on bedrest....

2010-01-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

Had an appointment today with just a nurse to get the blood pressure checked. My dr is on vacation right now. So when tested my blood pressure was of course super high, the nurse was concerned and took me in the back to pee in a cup and then lay down before taking my blood pressure again. The protein meausred +1, that's up from "0 with trace" last week. the blood pressure went down when i layed down but the nurse hunted down a dr to discuss it with. After reviewing my history he said that although it was up from last week, it's still manageable if i stay on bed rest at home. They ordered the labs yet again, so i had to have blood drawn and a collection container for 24 urine protein, which has been weekly increasing. The dr said if i go up by the same amount every week, we may not make it to 28 weeks before delivery becomes a must. I'll be 26 weeks on thursday, have another appointment next week so we'll see if we can keep this at bay. But we're riding a fine line at this moment, we KNOW this is going to turn into HELLP if we let the preeclampsia go on too long, but we also know that the baby's chances are better the longer we wait...it's a difficult task deciding when the line is right in front of us and not cross it and make my health so bad that it outweighs the usefullness of the baby being inside. It's only just over two weeks until 28 weeks, crossing our fingers and arms in prayer...we can make it, i hope.

update

2009-12-29T11:03:00.000-08:00

Well i'm almost at 25 weeks in this pregnancy, every week feels like a milestone. Last week when i saw the dr he told me the exact numbers they look at to classify how high risk my pregnancy is. Right now they test the protein in my urine weekly by making me collect it for 24 hours and then doing a quantitative analysis of exactly how much protein is present. Last week the protein had jumped up from 150 which it had previously been (and is the normal range) to suddenly being 242, which was a large jump and i was worried about it. However they said the exactly number when they start to worry is 300, when it's over 300 accompanied by blood pressures over 140/90 then they officially classify it as pre-eclampsia, which left untreated can result in restricted growth of the baby and seizures in the mother. Once pre-eclampsia has officially set in they watch it close to see how fast it gets worse. During my pregnancy with Elaine (my oldest) i had pre-eclampsia, which after having the baby (which is the only known cure) turned into something even more dangerous called HELLP syndrome. HELLP is an acronym for the symptoms of a disease which shuts down the kidneys and liver and kills red blood cells, in many cases it can be deadly. Because it is a pregnancy related illness, the only cure for HELLP syndrome is delivery of the baby, in rare cases like mine, where it occurs after the delivery, there is no cure. My body eventually fixed itself but it was a very long recovery. Now you can understand why we adopted Maggie after Elaine :) We were not in a hurry to have another pregnancy like that. Our pregnancy with Katie was not as bad, very easy until the end, the blood pressure spiked at the end of the third trimester which is why she was delivered early.

Now to the current issues, after further tests my protein is now 312, and my blood pressure when i have been up is in the 160's/100's we're looking at official pre-eclampsia, now it's just a waiting game to see how quickly it progresses. There is no other way to get it to stop than to eventually deliver the baby. Because this set in so early, the dr is very concerned about it turning into HELLP syndrom again, we're crossing our fingers and arms in prayer at this point. I don't know when this baby will be born, but the dr says we're probably looking at yet another february birthday. none of my babies were ever due in february, but somehow that seems to keep being when i have them. Katie and Elaine were both due in March, but born in February, Catcher is due in April and may be born in february....i can't imagine that again lol. Just waiting around and thought i'd update you.

bed rest continues

2009-12-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

I saw the dr on Christmas Eve, he was concerned about me being out of touch for Christmas and wanted to keep tabs on my blood pressure. The blood pressure was even higher at the appointment and he was very not happy about that. It seems at each point he tries to give me his most optimistic opinion of how far he thinks this pregnancy will go. In the beginning we were shooting for 35-36 weeks, which is fine, that's what the other babies i've had were born at, i know what to expect of a baby born at that gestational age, they do fine with just over a week in the NICU. Then his estimate went closer to 34 weeks. At this appointment, his optimistic opinion of the length of this pregnancy is 30-32 weeks, that's a little more scary when the dr is hoping to stretch it that far. Now i have to see the dr every week, and hope i don't end up in the hospital waiting for 30 weeks. He also said he's gonna give me the steroid at 28 weeks to help baby Catcher's lungs mature, as it is going to be some time around then that he's most likely going to have to be born before my body tries to shut down.

I'm trying to be okay with having a baby that early, knowing he's going to be in the NICU, and just hope he's going to be healthy eventually, but truthfully it's all really scary. a baby this early has chances of so much going wrong, most survive if born after 28 weeks, but it's going to be a long road and i'm just hoping i have the stamina to not fall apart during the whole experience. Trying to take care of three kids and recover from kidney stone surgery and the c-section, and having a baby to visit in the NICU which will most likely be in Stockton, it just feels like a lot, and i'm not even there yet. I'm trying to remember to breathe and just hope that all goes well until 28 weeks, a baby born before then has much lower chances of health, let alone survival, i'm trying really hard to keep my body together, but it's just so strange that my body is trying to shut down and fall apart just because i decided to have another baby.

Sometimes i wonder why i decided to have another baby, well not just i, it was Adam and i both who decided we wanted this. But this is now the third time i've put a baby at risk because my body didn't handle being pregnant, so far this is the worst yet as far as pregnancy goes, but there's just no way to predict how a pregnancy is going to turn out, and i wonder if i had known that it would have been like this, would i still have chosen to do it?? I don't know, i mean if i knew the future and knew that the pregnancy would be like this, maybe i would also know the outcome of the baby, and if he'll survive, or if he'll have permanent life-long problems from being so premature, would any of those things really make me not want him any less....i can't imagine anything that would make me not love this little guy and i haven't even met him yet. I live in fear of the future of his little life, and how much my body is putting him through. I know in the end it's all up to Heavenly Father, but i hate not knowing.

Aside from all of that, Christmas was pretty good. The kids loved everything they got, they got less than we normally would buy, but they were happy anyway and didn't even notice the smaller amount. they got the things they asked Santa for, and that's what they were looking forward to. Several times i heard the kids say " i got exactly what i wanted!!" It was good to hear. I suppose that balances it all out.

how early is too early?

2009-12-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

It's been a long few weeks. three weeks i think now, since the start of all the drama, the kidney stone and now the blood pressure. My blood pressure's been creeping up every time i get up it shoots up high, when i lay back down it goes back to normal, so bed rest has been the name of the game for a while now. The OB dr was getting concerned about the rising blood pressure and whether it is because of the pregnancy or because of the kidney, it's hard to tell. He ran several blood tests to make sure other organ functions were normal.

You see when i was pregnant with my oldest daughter Elaine i had what is called HELLP syndrome, it's not common, but my current dr is trying to make sure i don't have it again. HELLP syndrome shut down my liver and kidneys and caused my body to start destroying it's self from the inside out. As is obvious i did eventually recover, but having blood pressure problems this early could be a sign that HELLP syndrome is going to recur in this pregnancy, which could have disaterous reprecusions. Well the blood tests showed that i'm not currently experiencing any symptoms of HELLP, however they made me collect my urine for 24 hours, which i've had to do several times during this pregnancy, so they can get a quantitative analysis of how much protein is in my urine, excessive protein is a sign of kidney failure. Well i saw the results online and compared them to the past results i've had and it is about twice as high, and VERY above normal. So i know i'm going to be hearing from the dr about this and i'm just a little concerned to see what he says he wants to do. Protein in the urine combined with high blood pressure usually means immediate delivery but it is just way too early to deliver this baby. The big question right now is which is causing which. Is the kidney stone shutting down the kidney, which is causing the protein in the urine? or is the pregnancy causing the high blood pressure which is causing the kidney to have more trouble than it would? We already know this baby is going to be early, it's just a given at this point....but the question now is....how early? i'm getting nervous about the whole thing, i thought i'd post a blog to put the questions out there and when i know the answers, i'll post about that too. keeping our fingers crossed.

Between a stone and a hard place

2009-12-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

It has been at least two weeks since i've been on the computer. No it's not intentional. About two weeks ago i started suffering severe stabbing pains in my back, and on a pain scale of 1-10 i rated this pain somewhere around a 9 and a half. To give you some perspective the worst pain i've known prior to this, having had two c-sections, was about an 8. I couldn't sit or stand, or lay down or move anyway that made it more comfortable. AWFUL! after only an hour of this, i was shaking and in tears, so my husand took me to the ER. They were concerned because being 20 weeks pregnant, there's only so much they can do for this kind of pain. Well after a quick urine sample it was diagnosed as a kidney stone. Now i had gall stones during my last pregnancy, that lasted a few days then eventually disipated and wasn't too bad at all, pain level of around a 7. This was completely different. They sent me home with HEAVY pain medication, which they assured my was safe during pregnancy. then other medication was prescribed for the side effects of the medication. So all told i was taking three or four different pills every four hours or so and if i missed a dose by even a half hour, the pain was horrendous. So we went back for a follow up appointment with an OB doctor. My doctor wasn't available but the dr who saw me said i needed to have more tests done so that i could go see a Urologyst who would decide what if anything could be done for the stone.

The problem was that the tests the dr ordered were x-rays. During the second trimester of pregnancy it is NEVER advised to have an x-ray if at all avoidable. So the tech refused to do the x-ray and sent me back to the OB with a note for him to call them. So here i am, in pain and pregnant and tired, and my medication is wearing off and now i've got to go back up to the third floor to give the note to the dr and wait to see what he wanted me to do. So i did that. But i had to wait and wait while the dr fought on the phone with the radiology department, now i think that if the OB says it's ok, he probably knows a little more about what is ok for the baby and what isn't, the fact of the matter is, to be able to help this stone get figured out....they needed to see where it was and how big it was. So he conceded to doing a CT scan instead, i don't know if that's less radiation or not but he said to go back down to the first floor and get a CT scan done. So i again marched down to the first floor, and waited for a CT scan. Well because it was the day after thanksgiving at this point, the building was not fully staffed so they had to send me over to the hospital portion of the building to get the CT scan. Now this is not a small building here, the is the Kaiser Medical Center in Modesto, half medical offices, half Hospital, and now i had to walk all the way over to the other side of the building to get the CT scan, i'm hurting a lot by now because the medication has long since worn off and my husband had taken the kids to get them food becasue we'd been here so long by this point that they were starving for lunch.

When i get to the CT room, the tech tells me that because i'm pregnant he can't do the scan. I broke down and started crying at this point... I tried to explain everything to him and finally he said "ok if you sign this paper i can do it" Well the paper says i know all the risks i'm putting my unborn child in and in short says, i'm a bad mom, and i know it and i want to get the scan anyway. I'm crying as i sign this because i know i can't see the urologyst if they can't see the stone. (the OB did tell me this was all not going to harm the baby but i was quite worked up at this point and was thinking more about the pain and hassel i'd been through than anything else) So i get the scan then eventually meet back up with the husband man and kids.

when i finally saw the urologyst after all of this i had stopped taking pain medication because on the days my husband works i simply cannot be comatosed on the couch all day which is what the pain medication does. So by the next friday (the day of the appointment) i was hurting more than i'd hurt in SEVERAL days, somewhere between an 8 and 9 on the pain scale. So i was already i a little cranky and weepy from hurting, but i had to drive myself to the appt, because Adam was working and my mom was watching the kids, nobody left for driving, so i get there and i'm starting to feel positive that maybe there's something this dr can do to fix this and it'll all be over soon.....BOY I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG!!!!

The dr shows me the CT scan (kinda cool to see i must say - saw the baby in there too) The stone looked rather big to me so i asked her how it compared to the average stone.... it's 7mm (millimeters) which sounds like a relatively small measurement, but people rarely pass anything over 4-5mm. Which then of course means the only option left for removing it is surgery. Because of where it's located they can't do shock wave therapy and becasue of what it's made of there's no medicine that will dissolve it. ok so surgery. the catch is, they won't do the surgery until after i have the baby, because it requires at least 2 hours under anesthesia and they WILL NOT consider doing it while i'm pregnant. However, if the pain is unmangeable they will consider putting in a stint (i'm hoping this is an alternative that will fix it) this is a straw they put in to allow better urine flow around the stone and that would stay in until after i have the baby also, it might relieve some of the pain associated with the stone....however it causes pain all it's own. You see the stint, although it is a straw, it's rigid, and it's like having a stick in your back, and movement can cause it to push on the muscles around it, causing back spasms. Oh joy.

Well the dr called today, (monday), and at this point i've pretty much been laying around doing nothing because that's the only way to not hurt without taking heavy medication. She says since laying around keeps the pain at bay, they won't put the stint in unless i show signs of loss of kidney function. So at this point i'm on couch rest till either the stone passes, or till the baby comes. Either way it appears to be a long road of laying around. You have no idea how boring this is!!!!!!!!!! I can't even lay or sleep in my bed, laying flat causes more pain, i lay on our new couch (which i love thankfully) in a semi sitting up position which seems to be the most comfortable...i even have to sleep out here. I've tried a couple times to go sleep in bed and it just doesn't work....i end up needing pain meds, where as if i sleep sitting up on the couch...i can make it without pain meds. I know that not using pain meds is the safest thing for the baby, and not getting a stint is also safer because even that procedure requires some short sedation. I know this is all for the good of the baby, and maybe i won't be the mom who guilts my kid with the story of the 15 hour labor....but i can be the mom who gives the guilt trip about the 4 or 5 months of bed (couch) rest and kidney pain!!! hey a mom's gotta have something.

The great baby name debate....

2009-11-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

Adam and I have had a hard time finding a name we like for our next baby. We're excited that it's a boy but for some reason we've had a hard time agreeing on a name. He likes longer distinguished names, like Gideon and Tiancum, which are great names, but if the name is long i want there to be an easy nickname for it. Gid is the only nickname for Gideon, and i don't really like it, and i don't know what you'd nickname a child called Tiancum. So anyway I liked the name Jack, but Adam wanted a longer name than that...but Jackson doesn't sound very good with Hoskins and we debated about it for a while because it's the only name we both kind of agreed on, but neither of us were terribly happy with it.

A few days later i was bugging Adam to pick a name, it was evening time and i wanted to have something hammered out as the name by that night. Which is silly if you think about it....i've got a LONG way to go, but for some reason i can't stand not having a name to call the little alien inside me. So anyway we were throwing out random names and words left and right, and every show we watched we read all the male names in the credits outloud to each other and still none of them clicked. Then randomly he started saying the names of objects, and he saw a Ketchup bottle and jokingly said Ketchup which of course is said no to but then i said "how about Catcher" and we both stopped. We listened to the names in our heads for a little bit and it seemed to fit. It's a unique name and i suppose there are a million ways to make fun of it, but for some reason, it felt right. We continued to bring it up for that evening and i posted on Facebook about it and received a LOT of comments on it. Most people really liked Jackson better than Catcher. But for some reason the more comments i read of people liking Jackson, the less i liked it. I did not realize how POPULAR that name is right now...seems like everyone knows a jackson, or wants to name their next boy that. It's funny but that really cinched it for me, after reading all the comments, Adam and i both unanimously said, Catcher it is. He'll be Catch for short. But official name will be Catcher Lee Hoskins. We felt Catcher pays homage to the sports side of Adam's family, and Lee is my dad's middle name, it incorporated both families well.

We were at Target after making the official choice and the kids each got to pick out a new ornament for the upcoming Christmas season, Elaine picked a ballerina, Maggie picked a Dora ornament and Katie picked a soft elf ornament and we all picked out one for Catcher too. It was a little cliche i suppose, it's a baseball with a snowglobe middle that has a catcher's mitt inside. I kind of hope as he grows up that Catcher ends up being good at some sport that has nothing to do with catching, like golf or something, just for the irony of it :) But the ornament was cute and made it feel more official that our son is really going to be Catcher. I know everyone will still have their two cents on the odd name, but in the end, he's our little one, and only we know what name is right for him, and we like this, we hope you will too!

Virus and Hacking

2009-11-04T17:03:00.000-08:00

It's been one of those days, you know the kind, the kind that sucks from the moment you do one thing in the morning and it just gets worse as the day goes on...and on and on????!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you can't hear the tone of my voice while i'm writing this, and you probably should be glad, because i'm mad, and annoyed and angry and grumpy and well i guess you get the idea.

YES I KNOW I WAS HACKED THIS MORNING....please stop calling and emailing and texting to tell me about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've had people tell me very rude things about the spam that was sent out through my facebook account....when duh, i was hacked i didn't send it!!!!! I had several viruses all jump at me at once and apparently my wimpy virus protection decided to stop catching anything and my computer was going crazy for a while this morning. Even when i wasn't on the internet, windows would pop up from internet porn sites while i was playing solitaire minding my own business!!!! ARGG! then when i DID go on the internet to get a better virus protection (AVG) and discovered what was going on with my facebook, my internet was running so insanely slow because of the viruses that i couldn't really do anything about it at the time. I didn't want to change my facebook password while the virus was still running, it wouldn't help, so please stop telling me to change my password, it was a virus, once i finally got AVG downloaded and running it took two hours to scan my whole computer where it found nearly 30 viruses and trojans running. Then once it took care of them all , THEN i went on facebook and changed my password. This was all around 1 this afternoon, so if you got a suspicious email from me AFTER 1:30 or so, then let me know, otherwise.....STOP TELLING ME!!!! I KNOW!!!! yes i'm probably being rude, and you're saying to yourself, 'hey, i was just trying to be a friend and let you know' but why don't you read my status which i posted several status's through out the day telling everyone, that yes, i was hacked, and yes i was fixing it, and don't open anything from me.

It's just that this isn't the only thing going on in my life right now, i've got a sick kid (Katie has an ear infection) and she's cranky constantly, and i've got a trouble maker of a 4 year old who keeps doing things to get in trouble then lie about it to see if i'll let her out, then there's the cat who had surgery last week so he can't go outside or risk further infection of his wound...and he's meowing at me all day long in protest. Then there's the puke from katie i had to clean up, and with being pregnant, it was all i could do not to puke from the smell of it. Then there's the fighting the older kids do, which makes me want to rip my hair out....and trying to take Elaine to dance class and figure out how to keep the other two entertained in the car, all the while fielding your texts, phone calls and emails about the stupid facebook hack, which by now i've already resolved....so maybe now there's a little more information about why i'm so annoyed right now. I'm sure by now i've worked you up and made you mad, but just getting it all out and hopefully you'll all read it, makes me feel a bit better.

So in conclusion, i appreciate your concern, but i really have fixed the problem.

Halloween Costumes and Trunk or Treat

2009-10-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

The girls love the Trunk or Treat at church.... it isn't Halloween unless you celebrate it at church! Here are pics of the girls having fun at the big night!

Maggie the Pumpkin Princess

Elaine, or Lainey Bug....the bumble bee.

and Katie Kat, she liked being a kitty. MEOW!

All three ready to trick or treat!!

The only costume i bought this year was Maggies, because she wanted to be a pumpkin and i just didn't have everything to make that myself. But the other two i made myself and i am very proud of them because the kids loved them so much. We had great fun!

The cat who grew horns

2009-10-28T09:13:00.000-07:00

As odd as that title sounds....that is exactly what happened to my cat. And before you ask, no, i don't have any pictures of the horns, they were small and painful and you wouldn't have been able to tell what they were.

A couple of days ago i noticed Rook (the cat) had some wounds on his head, they had something protruding from them and i assumed they were foxtails, he gets those often. So I got all ready to pull them out like i usually do, with hydrogen peroxide to clean the wound and tweezers to get them out. However, when it finally came down to it, they wouldn't budge, not an inch, and they were hard, not at all like a foxtail. So I called the vet right away and they got me in right then (love my vet by the way!!!). The vet tried to pull them out, similar to what i did, and because they were hard and wouldn't move he said maybe it was from a fight and it was another cat's tooth, or claw maybe (because that's how hard it was.) He said to bring him in the next day to have them surgically removed.

The next day i brought Rook in for his surgery and they told me to pick him up in the afternoon. I got a shock when i picked him up and talked to the vet. He said they were not a foreign body at all, they were actually growing out of the cat, he said he had to look it up because he'd never really seen something like that. They're called Horn Cysts. They call it a cyst to give some sort of a reason why a cat would grow a horn where there clearly is no reason to. The tissue mutates and grows a horn, much like cancerous cells simply mutate and grow cancer (thankfully the horns were not cancer). Nobody knows why a cat would grow a horn, let alone two, but he said if not removed they would have kept growing and could have invaded his brain or glands. And while having a cat with horns could have been cool, having a cat who is not in pain or danger is more important, i mean he wouldn't be able to play monopoly with us if he were in pain or impared...... oh have i not told you that he plays monopoly? Well that's another blog all together, and while you may not have believed that my cat can play monopoly maybe now you will, after all what's weirder: a cat who plays monopoly or a cat who grew horns? He does both! He is a rare one indeed :)

and the gender is.........

2009-10-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Drum roll please...!! We got to see the baby today at a dr's appointment. Adam and all three girls got to come in and watch and we got a big surprise when the dr showed us between the baby's legs. Our dr is quite the pro on the ultrasound machine....we got an obvious clear view and.....it's A BOY!!!!!!! there was no mistaking it, two little legs, and a "third leg" in between! yipee! We have three wonderful girls and we are so excited to be adding a little boy to the family. We don't have a name picked out yet but will let you know if and when we decide on one!!

Crazy thing is, this means that expensive gender prediction test was right!!! what the heck does that test for and how does it know?????

cleaning and stuff

2009-10-24T22:52:00.000-07:00

So I started to write this in my status update on facebook, and after i had it all written out and clicked send, it THEN told me it was too long...what's up with this? the old facebook used to just stop you when you were typing too much...the moment your space was up, it just wouldn't let you type any more....instead this let me keep on typing and after i had it all worded just right...THEN it tells me it's too long...what the heck? anyway....

Today i finally got around to the vacuuming. I've been meaning to do it for a few days now and there was a possibility of a friend coming with her two preemie twins later on and i figured that was a very good excuse to get some extra cleaning done. So i got the vacuum out, i did the whole floor and noticed it didn't seem to be performing as well as usual so when i was going to put on the hose attachment i took the head off and realized it was seriously dirty!! So i took the head all apart and took the belt off and replaced it ( i bought three the last time i went to the Kirby store) and i decided since i was spiffying up the vacuum i would also change the bag, so that was all fresh, then i took the little dust buster and sucked out all the excess dust and fur and hair that was clogging the head. Then after reattaching it all i decided to vacuum again since now it would work even better....then i decided to vacuum the couch too, get off any fur from the cat, who loves our new couch as much as we do i think. I took a little break after that and Elaine asked if there was any cleaning she could do (she's a little obsessive about the cleaning...she loves to do it!) so i decided i would sweep and mop and since i'd be moving the chairs out of the dining room, Elaine and Maggie could use clorox wipes to clean them. They thought that was the greatest thing ever. Maggie spent about thirty seconds on one chair...whereas Elaine spent about fifteen minutes on a chair cleaning every edge and nook and cranny. So after sweeping and mopping they wanted to know what else they could do....so i decided to let Elaine dust and then Maggie brought dirty clothes out to the garage for laundry (from the hampers in the bathroom). While Elaine was dusting i noticed the higher shelves which of course she couldn't reach and i noticed how seriously cluttered with random junk they had become...so i worked on that. I organized book shelves and on top of the Entertainment Center and in the kitchen too....i liked how clean everything was getting and i loved that girls were really excited to help.

Elaine had taken something to be put away in Katie's room and noticed how messy it was. It's been in a state of disarray as Katie is moving up a size in clothes and i'm trying to wait until i know if i need to keep her girl clothes for the new baby, or if the new baby is a boy and i can get rid of the clothes that don't fit her anymore. I've avoided cleaning Katie's room until i know for sure what to do with her old clothes...but in the meantime the rest of the room is a bit crazy too. Well this really bothered Elaine, Elaine can't handle a mess without at least trying to clean it. She makes her and Maggie's bed each morning and cleans their bathroom each morning too, any little mess and she's on it! So apparently Katie's bedroom was a big need for her, so when she asked if she could clean it i said sure. Normally if she asks to clean her room or the bathroom she's back out in ten minutes....she spent an HOUR in Katie's room! I didn't get a chance to look in there until i was putting Katie to bed and when i took her in there i hardly recognized the place! She had cleaned off the dresser and put every pair of shoes on the dresser organized by size and color. She stood all the stuffed animals upright by height. She put all the rest of the toys away more neatly on the shelves than i've ever seen them. She made a new place for diapers and wipes that i never would have thought of and they fit perfect. She also hung up every bib (there was a pile of clean bibs in a basket) between each rung on the crib. Now of course i had to take them down or Katie would have had a field day with them, but it looked so cute...they were hung up by height. She put a giant teddy bear in the rocking chair which looked so adorable....she worked so hard in there, i don't think it's been that neat since before Katie came home..when i very first set it up as her room.

I know that the kid's loving to help me clean won't last forever, especially for Maggie who mostly just likes to do it because Elaine does. But Elaine has a serious need for organization, i'm not entirely sure where it comes from, i love clean and organized but i don't think i was like that as a child! And i can almost guarantee it doesn't come from Adam, he likes it when i clean, but he doesn't care if it's a mess either. It's obviously very engrained in her to be like this though, i mean as a baby she used to sort her fruity cereal by color before she would eat it, even before 1 year old! crazy! cute though....not sure how this will play out later in life, but for now, i love it!

Obviously this is way more than i originally tried to post on facebook, but i love cleaning so much and with this pregnancy i don't always have the energy to do much of it....so this was a great day for me, and the girls too. And my friend with her twins did come to visit, and i felt better knowing she was visiting a very clean house!!

Grosgrain: Queen of Hearts and Alice in Wonderland Costume Set GIVEAWAY!!!!

2009-10-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

Grosgrain: Queen of Hearts and Alice in Wonderland Costume Set GIVEAWAY!!!!

amazing giveaway, impressive talent

2009-10-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

Ok so there is a website where this lady makes these really amazing things. She is having a giveaway for a totally insanely beautiful costume set she made of Alice in wonderland costumes. While normally I am not as obsessed with Alice as others, i thought these were too amazing not to share, i'm entering the contest by telling all of you about it! go check it out!!

http://grosgrainfabulous.blogspot.com/2009/10/queen-of-hearts-and-alice-in-wonderland.html

In pain in general.

2009-09-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

ok so it seems like it's been one thing after another since the moment i got pregnant. First of all i was so much more sick during the first trimester with this one than i had been with either of the other two. Sick and so tired i can hardly function most days, it was all i could do to get out of bed and somewhat get dressed. Taking care of three kids under 5 when i felt like that has been awful. Then just as the sick part was starting to go away, i developed a sore throat. And we're not talking a little sore throat, we're talking it hurt to swallow so bad i would cry every time i had to swallow. Plus i kept waiting for more symptoms, i mean who ever heard of just a sore throat, but i never developed a runny nose or fever or even cough or anything, just purely a severe sore throat. that lasted for over a week, then just as that was going away i started to develop an odd aching pain in my upper right jaw bone. It was nothing major, but it was there every single day, the same dull pain, then it started to cause headaches which is when i finally decided i needed to do something about it, but it was such a vague pain i couldn't tell if it was a tooth ache or something else, because it also was making my ear hurt a little. So i decided it was cheaper to go to a dr first. I saw a dr i'd never seen before but she was pretty nice, she looked around and asked all kinds of questions but couldn't really find anything that could be causing the pain. Then since i was there i decided to ask her about another weird and totally unrelated pain i'd been having.

Several weeks, if not months, ago i noticed an odd growth on one of the bones in my wrist, it feels like a deformity on the bone itself. So i asked her to feel it and she became very intrigued. She asked if i ever had wrist pain and i realized that i often get pain in my forearm just up from the growth. She said it is a bone spur, an actual piece of bone sticking out from the normal bone, and that it was catching on tendons and ligaments and was probably causing tears in it when over-exerted. Well that's just lovely because i have the same problem in my knee, which once i told her that she put all the pieces together and basically told me that the arthritis in my knee (which is also in my hip and shoulder on the same side) is probably now in my wrist as well. For some reason the form of arthritis i have is well known to grow in patterns like this, and she said that it's probably active since it's getting worse during the pregnancy. The thing is my arthritis has been dormant for years and if it's spreading during pregnancy that means it's back because the hormones can cause it to spread and grow faster. So this just gave a whole new depth to life after this baby. I'm really feeling like this is the last baby i'll have, if we want more after this, we certainly know how to adopt!

So back to the jaw pain, i went to the dentist today, after having a VERY painful night. He said it is the wisdom tooth on that side, especially because none of my teeth actually hurt, just the bone mostly, he thinks the tooth is still growing and is trying to stretch bigger in the bone, and that's why it hurts. So he wants to pull it. Which is all ok while i'm pregnant and everything, i already checked. The problem here is that i have a heart defect called a prolapse mitral-valve, which basically just means a wimpy spot in my heart. That means they have to give me a full course of antibiotics before they can do any dental work (before any surgery or anything i have to have it too), so i get to deal with the pain for a few more days until i finish the antibiotic before he can yank it. But the pain is so bad most of the time i wanna reach in there and yank it out myself! Even after two vicodin i still hurt, this is insane....i will be so glad when this is done! i feel like i'm falling apart, it's getting a little tough to deal with, the pain, the medication, being pregnant, and trying to take care of three kids and a house....somedays i don't think i can do it. Thankfully my mom helped me out a lot today, but i just hope i can make it through all of this.

just needed to rant and whine a little, now i'm gonna go take some more drugs (don't worry they're perfectly safe while i'm pregnant) and go to sleep and pretend i don't hurt...we'll see if it works.

Baby number 4

2009-09-11T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's still a little hard to believe there is a baby number four on the way. Well hard to believe except for the insane morning/all day/ sickness i've had for the past month and a half or so. It's been killing me! I seriously could not function, i felt so sick just to stand up eating made me sick, but not eating made me sick too. I wasn't able to keep the house in order, and trying to take care of the kids was near impossible. However this last week things have seriously turned around. Since the exact day of 9 weeks i instantly felt better, not perfect, but certainly BETTER! Enough i've been able to get the house back in order, and to top it off, The Husband Man bought me the couch of my dreams!!! I LOVE IT, love the way it looks, love the way it feels, love the way we rearranged the living room to make it work....in LOVE! The couch alone has made life easier, but to add more goodness to it all, we brought the satellite tv back out to the living room, so i can watch a few shows from the comfort of the couch while the kids play, life is great!

Yesterday at the Dr's office i got to see the baby, keep in mind 'it' has only been in there for a little while, but we got quite a clear picture. i've never had such a clear picture of a baby at only 9 weeks! the baby is floating upside down so the head is in the bottom and the feet are at the top.

It was so clear, in one picture we could clearly see the full length of the umbilical cord, attached to baby and placenta, seriously never been this clear at 9 weeks! I saw the baby wiggle around a few times, weird to see that when i can't feel it yet, but exciting none the less....it's feeling a little more real now, a real little baby is in there....boy or girl is still anyone's guess. Adam is trying to resign himself that it's a girl, even though he secretly wants a boy but doesn't want to get his hopes up, we'll love whatever it is, and are looking forward the next several months. The big girls know there's a baby in there, but of course little Katie is only 19 months and has no clue, once my belly gets bigger and they can feel it move maybe it will sink in....either way, it'll be interesting to have two this close again. Elaine and Maggie were 18 months apart, 18 months and 18 days to be exact, but i didn't have to be pregnant with Maggie, so that made a bit of a difference. Katie and this new one will barely be 2 years apart, luckily Katie is more clingy to daddy, so hopefully that will help the transition, plus Katie loves when i hold other people's babies, she is very interested in them and has figured out if i'm holding another baby, i can't jump up to stop her from doing something....oh boy this outta be fun!