Meeting the mother of your children.....

We'd had this day once before, but it was over 3 years ago. But somehow I was still nervous. As Adam and I dressed for court this morning, I debated over what to wear, I'm sure my husband wondered why it was even that important, he had one nice suit, so that's what he wore. I've lost weight and I wanted to wear something that looked nice and fit right, but there was something more. This was what SHE would remember of me. Although I'll never forget seeing HER in shackles and an orange jumpsuit 3 years ago, I just felt like I wanted to look nice to show her I was a nice person....I don't know why her opinion matters...but somehow it does.

Babysitters and rides were arranged and as we left the house it almost felt like we were leaving on a really fancy date. We were dressed in our Sunday best and my husband even opened the car door for me....this was no ordinary 'date'....it was a court date. We drove to Merced in the early morning light, enjoying our moment of quiet time to talk in the car. The paper said 8:15, although court can start anytime after that. So we arrived around 8am, and waited....and waited. Our social worker came, "They'll be terminating their parental rights today, and as long as your homestudy is completed (which it is) then your adoption can be complete in as soon as 75 days." Wow, just like that she could be ours by May. This was all so much faster than Maggie's was and I was glad of that. I brought pictures of Maggie and Darla and a letter for the social worker to give to the Birth Mom. I kept worrying that she didn't know how much we loved these girls, and that maybe if she knew it might make her feel better.

Finally we were called into the court room for the case. This was the same court room we entered for Maggie's final adoption hearing 3 years ago, it was familiar and yet scary all at the same time. The social worker took her seat at a desk beyond the half wall that divided audience from staff. There was not a person in the room aside from staff so we had the entire audience area to choose from as a seat. Being the nerd I am I picked a front row seat behind the desk the social worker was at. Adam pointed out that as a cop he always sits in the last row, but since no one else was there, this was ok too :)

The door directly to our left opened and an armed guard led in the birth mom, orange jumpsuit and shackles, I had an instant flashback of that day 3 years ago. It was in a different court room, but she looked almost exactly as I'd remembered, although her hair was braided nicer today. On that day 3 years ago we sat in an audience full of social workers there for other cases and we didnt' stand out, I wondered at that time if she'd even seen me, I stared at her the whole time hoping for a moment of eye contact, I just knew if i could connect with her she would see my love for Maggie and be ok with this....as I recall I never had that moment. What I remember most was that the birth father at that hearing had stated he was wanting to get Maggie back up on his release from jail. That scared me to pieces. And I had visions of that same fear happening this time. Although nothing ever came of his "hopes" the fear that someone could take her away from us was frightening for quite some time before her adoption was complete.....would today end the same? In fear?

The birth mom shuffled in, looking almost exactly like our Maggie (except taller), feet and hands shackled, the guard directed her to a chair that happened to be directly in front of me...and I mean DIRECTLY, i could have reached out and touched her without leaving my seat. For a moment I tensed, maybe this isn't where we should sit, I whispered to Adam, but then moving would feel just as awkward, so we sat, hands held tight in complete silence. Only a half wall seperated this person, this woman, from me, a woman, a person, a mother to her children. How must that make her feel. I felt so tense and scared I was caught off guard when her lawyer sat down next to her (directly in front of Adam) and they started talking, hushed tones, but clearly meant for us to hear.

"Now you know we're here because they're going to terminate your parental rights, and there really isn't much we can do about that....do you have anything else to say?" The lawyer seemed so matter of fact, as if to say, 'you're screwed lady but if you have any final words say em now.'

She scooted forward in her seat and turned to look at me, "I know them," she started, which caught me off guard because I didn't even think she'd seen me in that court room 3 years ago,"They let my momma see the baby, she said they love her very much." We had let Darla have a visit with the grandmother a few months ago but I had no clue what she may have said to her daughter about us, I remembered worrying about that so much at the time, but had nearly forgotten it until now. "I got to see pictures of the baby," at this point it became more apparent that she wasn't saying "my baby" but rather "THE baby." "She's with her sister, they look happy." She turned to smile at me again, and when she did the lawyer handed her the pictures and letter i had brought for her, "Oh yeah these are for you, pictures and stuff."

I watched her eyes look down at these pictures, these pictures I took with my camera, these pictures where I'd smiled at them to get them to smile at the camera, these pictures that were a piece of our family, and she turned back with a smile. I have never wanted to hug a person more in my life. It was almost painful not to stand up and hug her, an ache that only got worse when she turned back to her lawyer and said "I want them to have her," nodding her head towards me, "they love her and she is happy there." A tear formed in my eye and Adam's eyes as well, it streamed silently down my face when she said "If I ever want to be the person they would like to know someday, I've gotta fix myself." I held Adam's hand so hard, because it was all i could do to keep my hand from reaching out to her.

The judge started to speak about the termination of rights and her lawyer made his statement that she was submitting to the court's request and was happy with the placement. During this brief time the mother leaned towards the birth father and said "what are you gonna say today?" I didn't hear what his response was as he was further away, and from her reaction I can only guess it was going to be the same claim he'd previously made which was to say "When I'm outta jail I want my kid back." Because she leaned as far as she could without leaving her seat and loudly whispered, "DON'T do it!! Just let her be, she's happy there, they're good people, I WANT her there!" The judge and her lawyer had by this point finished their comments and the judge turned to the birth father's lawyer for his client's statment on the case, just as he was about to speak, the father beckoned him to talk for a moment, that moment was the longest 'moment' of my life. They conversed for what felt like an hour (in actuality probably only five minutes, but in a silent courtroom it may as well have been an eternity) Then the lawyer stood back up and said, "My client, while unhappy with this situation has decided to agree to submit to the courts request to terminate rights."

She had done that, for us, for Darla, for love. She had convinced him to let it go. She turned and smiled at me after the attorney's comments with another big smile. Everytime she smiled at me I felt my soul fill my eyes with every word of love I could possibly convey through a look and a smile. I don't know that I could ever have said them out loud even if I were given the chance. In a few moments their rights were terminated, we were all dismissed and everyone stood to leave. She mouthed the words "good bye" to me I stood not wanting to leave her, feeling like I hadn't told her anything and yet everything I could have, I put my hand on the half wall and said "good bye" she placed her hand on the half wall a few inches from mine, the closest we possibly could have been given the situation, but in that moment it was like our spirits connected, mother to mother, we understood each other. Then we had to turn and walk away.

When Maggie was placed with us more than 5 years ago, all we were told about the birth mother was (in no kind terms) "She's a crack whore." These are words I would never ever use myself, but it created an image in my head of a screwed up person who couldn't love anyone but herself and her drugs even if she wanted to. Maggie was better off with us, and I held onto that image for many years. I never told Maggie anything negative about her mother, I kept it as honest as possible by simply saying (when she was old enough to understand more about adoption) that this was a person who couldn't take care of her, and so we did. But today.....today has given me the picture to forever hold in my mind of a woman who loved her children so much she was willing to give them to us to hold for her, because she knew she couldn't. A woman who understood selfless love in a way I could never imagine. And when we came home today, and I saw little Maggie, looking exactly like her birth mom, looking exactly like the face of a woman I have come to love and care for deeply, I could only hug her as hard as I would have her birth mom. And hope that one day, she'll get to hear what a great woman she is. And when I rocked Darla to sleep for a nap, I whispered to her about meeting this wonderful person, who loved her more than she'll ever know.

What a journey this has been, loving these extra children who've been added to our family, and loving the person who added them to this world. This day will live in my heart forever.....and possibly in the pages of a book describing the selfless love of a mother.....I'm going to start writing it tonight.

"new" jeans

So for anyone who's been following my "weight not, want not" blog, i've been dieting for a little over a week now, 9 days to be exact. And i've lost 11 pounds! woo hoo go me! And today i finally fit into that pair of jeans that's been hanging in my closet for several years now....unworn. I wore them once i think, but i gained weight and never wore them again, i keep them thinking....someday? today is some DAY! I wore these jeans today and while i LOVE fitting into them and wearing them, i'm looking forward to a day when even they are too big. I finally came to that point in my life where i decided my health was more important than the comfort of food. I picked a diet that is working for me and i'm sticking to it something fierce! I've been tempted several times but being that i've already lost a good amount of weight i KNOW sticking to it will mean so much more to me than that few seconds of satisfaction from eating something that will not help the weight loss. I know one day i'll get to my goal weight and be able to enjoy an indulgence here and there without fear but for now i'm sticking to this, I'm loving the way i feel and am so excited to step on the scale every morning (bet you never thought you'd hear ME say that did ya?!)

So for now i am pleased wearing my near new jeans and feeling good for the first time in a long time.

button, button, who's got the button???

The other day the Husband Man was changing Catcher's diaper, it was pretty stinky. "There's something in the poo...." he said.

Now why would I need to know that? There's all kinds of stuff in poo and I just don't want to know about it, seriously, i saw it going in thru the mouth i don't want to know about it coming out the other end!

"I can't tell but i think.....i think it's a button."

Excuse me? Did you say button? When did he swallow a button? How did he swallow a button? How big is the button? What color is it? Did it come off of something important....do i need to sew it back on???

"This coming from the person who didn't want to know what was in the poo....you sure have a lot of questions about what's in the poo now! And the truth is..." said while finishing the diaper change and wrapping it up to throw it away...."I don't know where it came from or what color it originally was, and unless you want to fish it out i would say you're probably not going to sew it back on because i'm going to throw it in the trash along with anything else in the poo that i might have missed!!" Sound of the swishing lid of the trash can as the dirty diaper disappears into the can with a toss.

Now I'm left to wonder, because there is certainly no way i was going to A)dig the diaper out of a trash can, or B) dig thru the poo inside the diaper to find said button. But really this was more than a day ago and I can't stop wondering how and when and what. How did it happen without me seeing? When on earth did it happen (at least 12 hours before hand probably). and what did the button come off of?? I'm wondering if i'm going to find an outfit with a missing button, or worse, if i'll be tormented by never knowing. Never knowing where the button came from, and never knowing what else could be in his diapers that doesn't get seen...dead flies off the ground, cat hair from his cuddles with the cat, or any number of other things tracked in on shoes, since now he's crawling all over the house. The love of cleaning has just been upgraded to obsession for cleaning.....I have work to do!

becoming educated

I think that every moment as a parent is a teaching moment. That's quite different from what i used to think parenting would be like.....so long ago.

Before I had kids, before i was married, before i was even out of high school i used to worry....i worried that i would be a terrible mother. No this is not a lure for compliments or anything of the sort...it's the honest to goodness truth. I tend to worry about things that are no where near reality in my life and in high school i worried about if i could ever handle being responsible for a child. I had no boyfriend, there was no chance of my having a child for years and years but still the idea of being responsible for the education of another human being from day one....was just, scary. I suppose it was a weird thing for a teenage to worry about, but maybe if more did there would be less babies born to high school moms LOL. But truly the thought of making sure that this little person knew everything they needed to before kindergarten really seemed so scary, how could you fit in everything they needed to know, and how....how would you even go about doing it?

Fast Forward......it's been a good 15 years since then (not that i'm giving away my age or anything haha) and i've discovered the key.....making every moment a teaching moment. Proof is my two year old, and how did she get so smart? I'd love to take the credit truly i would....but it's my 5 and 6 year olds who have been her teachers. Everytime katie doesn't know how to do something her big sisters jump at the chance to teach her. It came instinctively with my first child to want to show and teach her everything because she was my only one and it was somewhat easy....but when you have 5, those teaching moments aren't always so easy to come by.....unless you look a little closer. Katie held up a big pink eraser and asked aloud to anyone who would listen "what's this?" The answer could simply be...."eraser" , but then there is a moment while her brain is open to the answer where you can put more in there than the simplest answer. I told her it was a pink eraser, and that is was a rectangle. She rolled that word around in her mouth several times before it came back out right. That was yesterday.

Today while i was changing a baby diaper katie came up with a stack of blocks and proudly pronounced...."Look mommy, it's a rectangle....and I made it!" Amazing how one little answer to a question sent her on a quest today to find more ways to understand what she had learned.

A mind is an amazing thing, it's like the more you learn the more you can learn....if my strange mind makes sense to anyone else. I mean our brains are a muscle and if you exersize the muscle it becomes stronger and then can be worked even harder. Sometimes as a mom i worry that i'm not exersizing my mind enough (as is apparent by my unapologetic misuse of capitalization and often puncuation) and i don't want it to wither and waste away from the extensive amount of knowledge it once held. So for my mental workouts i'm finding new ways to make learning fun for my kids.....new ways to make every moment a teaching moment. I've also started collecting math and science books, there's something so interesting about relearning something as an adult that as a child i don't think i appreciated enough. I find myself reading math books for fun, and ok so i know that's weird, but it feels so invigorating!

The missionaries commented on my collection of math books the other day when they were here for dinner. I don't quite have an explanation, except to say that learning is such an amazing thing, whether it's learning something new for yourself, or relearning something you once knew or helping someone else learn for the first time simply because you can.....learning is a wonderful thing. An amazing blessing it is to be able to learn anytime we want, i learned how to do braided extension corn rows on my black daughter's hair...from youtube . I taught my 6 year old how to play UNO and the 5 year old caught on just from watching. My 2 year old knows all her shapes and colors and most numbers and sometimes i'm not sure what else until it just pops out of her little mouth. My little Catcher is learning to crawl and is so proud of each inch closer he gets to his goal. Darla is learning to smile. Every age has something to teach us.....what did you learn today?

Through the eyes of a Mother

I don't suppose i will ever understand how my family must appear to other people. Today while in modesto for a few random errands, we stopped at costco. I really only needed two things, to print some pictures from our digital camera (for the frames my husband already put up on the walls of our NEW house!) and i was out of my favorite soda and costco really has the best price on it. So while waiting for our pictures to finish we wandered around costco, sampling the samples and looking at EVERY thing in the store. I had Darla's carseat sideways in the giant cart so there was still room for the diaperbag and the soda i was buying. Catcher and Katie were sitting in the buckled kid seating area and Maggie and Elaine were walking beside holding onto the prespecified part of the cart. (i prespecified a certain spot on the cart that no matter which kid is walking they ALWAYS know where their hand should be at all times, makes the liklihood of loosing one slightly lower) So it was no big deal to me really, all kids were happy but man you should have seen the stares. And if i had a dime for every person who says to me "wow, you've got your hands full," i could pay for the college of the children making my hands so full! Then there's always the random person who asks, "how...how....just how?" i assume that is in regards to the two little ones not just the overall number of children. And my answer is, "i just do," because really that's all i can say. Then the question i hate the most is "are you babysitting?" now that could either be because even if they assumed i could have birthed a child with such gorgeous dark skin after my peachie babes, there would not really be any way to have had two little ones so close together (well i'm sure there's a way but i hope never to know it) ......OR.....they are completely dumb founded as to how a woman obviously related to the pink kids can also possibly be related to the more chocolately bunch....and even though the answer is obvious to me, i suppose to other people the thought never possibly enters their mind that these beautiful children ALL belong to me and it's not any concern of theirs how they ended up in my loving arms. My answer to the babysitting question is "nope, all mine" said with a large smile and no offer of further explanation.

Then Catcher at one point became tired and wanted a bottle. So i found the most out of the way place possible in Costco (which really doesn't exist) and got the diaper bag to put formula in a bottle of water and give it to him. He cried while i was making it but crying has become such a normality in my life that it honestly doesn't bother me anymore and i forget sometimes that it must bother other people terribly. A woman eyed me across the sweaters and walked over "i feel compelled to ask if there's anything i can do to help..." and while i'm sure she was genuinely sincere in her offer there really wasn't much help needed which schocks people that one woman can handle two babies under one, and terrible (but cute) 2 year old and two older know it alls who want everything in the store. I finished the bottle gave it to Catcher and the crying stopped "thanks for the offer but we're fine." then of course followed the inevitable question of ages and the babysitting question and then of course it was followed up by the how question. Each answered with their previously prepared answers and she left in utter awe of the children.....5 adorable children, all quiet and content...who'd have thought it were possible :)

I look at each of my children and just see...my children. I just see how much i love each of them, and that love is the same no matter what color they are or how they arrived in our family. I wish others could understand that i don't look at my kids and see color or difference, each of my kids looks the same to me, 2 eyes that look with wonder and curiousity, a nose that needs wiping over 80% of their childhood years, a smile that makes everything in the world seem possible and perfect in that moment, 2 hands that touch my hair and face and heart with each hug. I see each child the same, they're all mine, and that's all anyone needs to know.

**As a side note i should say that they are not ALL technically MINE as yet, Darla will be ours around our anniversary if all goes according to plan (May of this year). Court date on February 22 to terminate her parents rights and start our adoption filing, just to clarify.**

....Discovered while unpacking a thousand boxes.....

It's amazing the things you discover while unpacking boxes. Some of these boxes I think may have been packed since our LAST move three years ago because there just wasn't anywhere in the old house to put them. I came across a box that had photos from college and i just happened to find it while my old roommate from college, Kim, was here helping me, so we got to reminisce for a few minutes.....that was fun. In that same box was a journal, one of a million of mine. I almost tossed it aside as one of the many journals of poems and stories i had but when i opened it up and saw the "title page" i had to take a moment to peruse thru it. It was my "wedding journal." after seeing the title page i glanced at the cover again and remembered i had purchased it because the flowers on the front were my wedding colors, spring pastels. On the pages of the journal were notes on everything, pictures i'd cut out of magazines, business cards for florists and caterers, and dress designers. Then next to each was my note of whether i was going to use them or how i knew them. There was the picture of my wedding dress that i'd cut out of a magazine and written "This is the one i want!!" we ended up seeing it in the window of the first dress shop we went to.....and i did wear it on my wedding day :) There were sketches in there by the alterationist and the florist. There were all kinds of dates of when i bought my dress and pictures from valentines day....our first together, while we were still engaged. And in the back were pages and pages of writing, i began reading it and found it was where i had written the story of how we'd met. The story of meeting my husband still feels like a fairy tale to me. I love him so much and yet he's always reminding me that he said "i love you" first to he gets to love me more :) Maybe sometime i'll post that story on here, just in case anything ever happens to that journal.
It's funny how over the years my story gets simplified more and more, we met on a friday and by monday we knew we wanted to get married. Sounds pretty simple, but there's so many little things i had forgotten until reading it in my own words. I'm so glad i wrote that. And that is exactly why journals are so important, even if we only write about the big things in life, over the years things get forgotten and we can all learn from the past, even from our own past, so by writing it down we can go back and re-read in our own words what emotions filled our hearts at each event. That's what i see when i read my journal....the emotion i felt when i was writing it. I love writing, and this has inspired me to find more time to do more of it.
On a side note, if one of my daughters at 20 years old decides that a boy she met three days ago is the man she's going to marry.....i might have to go back and read my own writing to remember how it feels to be her instead of wanting to lock her in a closet until she comes to her senses..........

Moving Day

It's not officially moving day...yet. Tomorrow though the house will be emptied except for our sleeping bags on the floor (well the babies still get their beds at least). Saturday we will unload in our new house......and hopefully the last house for a very long time.

So much has led up to this day I can't believe it's all finally happening.

Right now my house is full of boxes and is a big cluttered mess as everything is being prepped to be moved out, something that should make me insanely stressed. But somehow....i'm not.

It seems like the closer we get to this move, the more chaotic the house gets, the more calm i seem to be getting. I'm trying to understand it that's why i'm writing about it. I normally tend to be quite short tempered (a problem i am continually working on) especially with the kids, with this many pulling me in every direction i feel like i never fully give complete attention to any one at a time and that drives me bonkers! But somehow today it's like i remembered how to let go again. Letting go is something that Adam told me i should work on when we decided to say yes to Darla, it was his only concern about taking her on. And i agreed, and in the beginning letting go was easy because there was just no possible way to do it all so i didn't really try. But over the two months (or close to it) that have passed insanely fast the old me has crept back in, the one who still thinks i should be able to do it all ....i.e. clean house, clean kids, happy kids, perfect family .....uhm yeah a little bit unreasonable given ....well....LIFE! So every once in a while i have to get humbled, it's like that pride cycle they're always teaching us about from the scriptures. When the people (or mom) is humbled by the stress and chaos they (she) remembers to rely on the Lord, then He in turn sends blessings for their (her) diligent prayers, things start going so well that they (she) forget to pray because they (she) don't need it as much as before, and then wouldn't you know it, things start to fall apart again, so much that they (she) are humbled due to how crappy things end up going with out relying on Him. As you can see i am in the humbled part of this cycle....I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad LOL. But at the moment I never forget my prayers, it's the only thing giving me hope that the next day can be better.....and so far it has been.

Today I have spoken only kind words to my children (and honestly i wish i could say that of everyday of their lives.....but sadly i can't) I have tried my hardest to understand Maggie's strange issues with sitting in the bathtub (this really deserves an indepth blog post...maybe later) and didn't get upset at her about it all thru the crazy time known as "bathtime." I had two babies crying at once today and it honestly did not even phase me.....maybe i'm just getting used to the fact that they often both need me at the same time, or maybe i'm just too sleep deprived to care (LOL) either way, it's a blessing not to be stressing about it. I dealt with one, when taken care of and happy, i dealt with the other, within a half hour i had two sleeping babies instead of two crying babies. I can appreciate the crazy chaos around here because it means that in a matter of days we'll be starting a new chapter in the book of life, the one where we have enough room to breathe in a house with plenty of room for us all. I am grateful for the chaos, it means moving day has finally arrived.

Ode to a House

Dear house,
Your doors were protecting,
your floors were firm
your walls were enclosing
our time here short term.

Your size was comfortable
then your size became tight.
your size was unbearable
the time now is right....

For us to move on
to house that's our size.
From one that's a pawn
to one more King size

It isn't without remorse
our departure from you
More than a house you've been of course
A HOME is what we've called you.