A New Direction

Do you ever feel like the Universe (a.k.a. GOD!) is pointing you in a new direction? I went to Time Out for Women this weekend and was inspired in SOOOO many ways. The theme of the weekend was "Choose To Become..." Everyone is on a journey to become something, no two journeys the same. But we all have to get there somehow. A lot of the speakers talked about how to enjoy the journey and what steps are necessary to get started on your journey, and nearly every speaker asked if we'd figured out our "Become" yet....what was I going to choose to become? Becoming a better mother has been on my list for many years now, but I felt like i needed to think of something to add to that, something that might maybe have a finish line some day. I'll never FINISH being a mother, i felt like i needed to set a goal, one that i could actually see acheiving some day. I started to go back to old goals I'd set decades ago for myself, goals I'd set aside as life happened. One specific goal came to mind over and over again. Writing. More specifically, writing a book. This is something I've started countless times and for one reason or another given up....lost the passion i had when i started. Every idea i've had seemed so perfect at first, and then i began to doubt myself and wonder if it was even worth the effort of writing, and the project got set aside, never to be touched again....until now. It seems like all the sudden writing ideas are coming from everything, so many i don't know where to start, but i know i WILL. I've been reading blogs about writing, and even came across a link to famous writers "writing shacks" tiny shacks where these people went to escape life and just write. I think I may need one of those someday :) I'm praying for God to give me a direction on my writing, this is a talent that came from Him and I would like to put it to the use that He sees best. I'm looking forward to this new chapter in life, literally :) Posting about it on my blog makes it feel more real, more concrete, like I'm accountable to you to actually do this, because I know at some point several months from now one of you is going to ask...."How's that book coming?" and I hope to have a better answer then, "nothing yet...." because if you asked me now that would be my answer. Ask me later, I'll have a better answer....

Family Update, April 2011.

I've been posting a lot on my weight loss blog lately instead of here, because most of what I have had to say has been about my weight loss. But time for a little cross over. I am now at a whopping 40 pounds lost....sometimes I still can't believe it. The weight loss is slower at this point but still moving, I would like to lose another 15-20 pounds, I can't believe that's all I have left when in the beginning that number of 60 pounds sounded soooo far away! I am so close to being under 200, that is my short term goal....long term of course is the 15 or 20 pounds, but it's important to have those short term goals that as you acheive keep you moving towards the long term ones. I look forward to stepping on the scale in the next week or so and seeing 199....oh that will be a glorious day haha! Anyway... The point of starting all of this weight loss was to be able to qualify to get my breasts reduced and I'm very proud to announce that I have SURPASSED that goal! My breast reduction is scheduled for mid May! yes!! As for the rest of the family, starting from the youngest: "Darla D." is now 6 months old. She is just about the happiest baby ever, and such a sweet sweet baby too. She pretty much is happy as long as somebody (brother, sister, mommy, daddy, stranger) is near by that she can smile at, and boy when she's happy, you might need ear plugs! She is so squeally these days, she is so excited for life....and her toes, her new favorite play thing lol. Still not really figuring out the eating thing yet, but Catcher didn't eat baby food until around 7 months, so I'm not terribly worried. But she LOVES her bottles! Sometimes if I need a few minutes, I just put her in the high chair and point her towards Catcher while he's in his high chair eating, and they'll keep each other entertained for as long as I need! They really are going to grow up thinking their mismatched twins! As for her adoption...her parent's rights were terminated in February, their appeal period is up in a few weeks here in April, then two weeks after that they can request a court date for our adoption. As the request probably won't occur until the beginning of May, the date will likely not be until June. But what a wonderful experience it will be to finally be able to bless her at church and seal her to our family at the temple after her adoption....soooo can't wait for this!!! Speaking of that little Catcher Man.....

He just turned 13 months old. Little stubborn guy won't give up crawling yet, he can stand on his own and has even taken a step here or there, but is still sticking to that crawling mode of transportation, although our new puppy thinks that Catcher is a puppy too since he's crawling around on all fours, so as soon as he figures out that walking will literally get the dog "off his back" maybe he'll do that instead! I'm not in a rush though, all the other kids walked during their 13th month as well so he's par for the family course! He is nearly tied with Darla for happiest kid on the planet. He is just all smiles all the time, even when he cries he smiles, that's just not fair :) He loves to play and keeps himself entertained for hours at a time with the simplest toys. Right now it seems his favorite thing is putting things inside other things, he likes to dump out a bucket of toys just to put them all back in the bucket again and dump it again. Maybe I'll have another neat freak like Elaine! lol! As far as speech goes he's still just saying baby talk, but he sure thinks he's saying something cause he's talking a mile a minute in baby! He does try to sing along with the radio though, that is so cute. He is very caring and concerned for Darla, whenever she cries he is there giving her his toys in an effort to help...it really is so sweet!

"Katie Kat" turned 3 in February. She sometimes seems so much older, partially because she's so dang tall and partially because she just understands more than I remember the older kids did at this age. She knows how to add and count, knows her colors and understands more words and language than even the older kids do sometimes! She's a ham and a half and loves to play a part. We had some friends over a few weeks ago, she totally played the damsel in distress to a little boy just older than her and he played the rescuing prince to a Tee....too cute. She won't start kindergarten for still 2 and a half years, but sheesh she seems ready already! We're hoping to put her in a preschool in the fall if we can find one here in Patterson that isn't just a day care, we don't need a day care but she really wants to go to school already! She's a wonderful help with the babies and enjoys singing and talking on any subject. Don't believe everything she says though, she LOVES to make stuff up...thinks it's funny to watch people's reactions, I'm hoping this phase doesn't turn into a lying phase, for now it's just silly stories though. Since moving here she's matured quite a bit, before she didn't really play by herself much, but here in this house she has learned to appreciate that she can have her own space and play by herself and enjoy that time, it's helped me get a lot more done without her underfoot all the time.

Maggie May, is now 5 and a half and almost done with her first year of school, Kindergarten. She is doing very well in every subject and has even gotten an award for classroom leadership! We always knew she was a leader (not a follower) but I never realized it would become apparent as early as kindergarten! She still loves gymnastics but we've debated over whether to send her to a center here in Patterson that promotes gymnastics purely for use in cheerleading, or to keep her at the one in Modesto where she previously attended that encourages all areas of gymnastics for a more well rounded approach. Of course the closer one would be easier but I'm not sure if it's what she will want in the end or not. We'll decide over the summer and enroll her in one next year around September. Her love of animals continues to astonish me. She has always had a way of drawing animals to her that is so awe inspiring, seriously never seen anything like it. It's like she just understands them and they her, she's some kind of animal whisperer. From the day we brought Scooter (our new boxer puppy) home, he instantly adopted her. He will play with the other kids or even me or Adam, but if Maggie is in the room all wants is her attention. She's taken on the roll quite well and volunteers to clean up after him indoors and out, it's very wonderful! The addition of her sibling (Darla) hasn't seemed to bring up any more questions about where she comes from. She understands she is adopted and understands that this adorable baby came from the same place but has yet to truly put together exactly what "sibling" means. Someday she will and I hope she'll be glad to understand who Darla is to her.

Elaine is 7 years old now. Wow I can't believe how old that feels, I remember being that age! She is excelling in ALL areas of school and recieved an award for "Going above and beyond in ALL areas of education!" The teacher said they don't do student of the month but if they did she would have gotten it. She impressed her teacher from the moment she started at her new school here in Patterson. Her reading has really taken off this year and she can pretty much read anything with great fluidity. It's wonderful to see my children learning and growing, I remember worrying as a teenager whether or not I could ever be a good enough parent to teach my future kids all they would need to know. She is, as always, a wonderful older sister and great help to me. She often tells me that being an older sister is hard because she understands that her little sisters and brother are looking to her to be a good example and she worries about living up to that. Such worries at such a young age. She is still doing wonderful in ballet, and we are looking forward to her third recital with Juline School of Dance this summer in June. She is a level one this year after two years of "pre-ballet" and a year before that of jr ballet in a studio ran by a friend in her garage. Ballet has been her life and her passion since the age of 3, and it continues to be so today as well. When we went to Utah last year we toured the BYU Campus and she learned that they have a dance program there and has decided that is where she wants to go for college so that she can continue to take dance "forever." We will continue to encourage this of course :) but as often happens, children change their mind so we're watching for the possibility of that in the future as well. She enjoys singing and dancing and is looking forward to trying out for Central West Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker" in the fall....the start of many performance opportunities to come I'm sure.

I had all the girls in matching dresses (the first time since the arrival of Darla) for my aunt Jennifer's wedding, here's a picture of the cuteness :

And since I mentioned him several times here is a picture of Scooter our new boxer puppy. In case you're wondering his markings make him a "reverse brindle" he is very cute and sweet...the whole family has a case of puppy love! (with the possible exception of the cat who isn't so sure)

seeing forest thru the trees....

So there were several things today that frustrated me, but in the essence of the "big picture" i'd like to take a moment to focus on the things that made me smile today.

1. took the kids on a drive thru the hills today, which they (and I) LOVED.
2. Got my spot for Time Out for Women!!!
3. Elaine is finally getting better after her dual ear infection and respiratory infection...she was mostly normal today...and as a cherry on top -she's back to school tomorrow!
4. Catcher, while obviously not feeling well from teething, wanted to cuddle with me all day, and he patted my back the whole time he was hugging me...i love that.
5. Despite dragging all five kidlets with me to the dr's office for Darla, they all behaved like sweet angels...it was great. (darla is still sicky though...bleh...back to the big picture though!!)
6. Gave Darla and Catcher a bath together for the first time, Darla had to sit in her bumbo cause she still can't sit up unsupported yet...but they both LOVED IT!!
7. Maggie took her first shower!! This may not seem like a big deal but she used to be DEATHLY afraid of the shower. She would scream if she had to go anywhere near water falling down on her head or face. But since her hair was up in braids and she didn't have to get her head in the water she said she'd try it...that was very brave of her. She ended up really liking it and asking if she could take one everytime now instead of baths....halleluiah!!!
8. I've managed to keep up on the cleaning, despite coughing up a lung for days now....go me!!

You know after posting this I feel like today was a great day, before this I had felt like it had been a slightly crummy day, but after stopping to think of what made me smile today, it seems those are the only things i can remember now. You are what you...think. so think happy thoughts.

Building a family

I'm really starting to realize how strange I must appear to other people with my five kidlets. I'll go somewhere and just have them hanging off of me, two babies wanting to be held and katie hiding between my legs as she plays hide and go seek with Maggie who's on the other side of my legs and Elaine is kissing any baby she can get close to and often going back and forth between them. I am a one woman jungle gym with children hanging off in all directions.....and I love it :) Doesn't even phase me anymore that the kids do that, but dang if i don't get some weird looks sometimes LOL.

We went to help a friend pick out a wedding dress today, at a bridal store in sonora which happens to be owned by my step-mom's sister-in-law, and her daughter-in-law was helping us there and I got to talking to her about if she and her hubby were gonna have kids. I'm nosy and I can't help it, I look for ever opportunity i can to tell people who are wanting to have kids and struggling....about adoption, specifically adopting from the foster system. It's strange how little people know about this stuff. Everybody thinks of adoption when they're having trouble having a baby, especially when they don't know why they're having trouble so it's not like they can take a pill or have a surgery to fix it. They naturally think of the classic picture of adoption, couple pays big bucks to an agency and adopts foreign adorable baby....instant family, just add adoption papers and 10000 dollars. But let's face it, a young couple doesn't always have that kind of options, especially not in this economy. Almost NO ONE realizes that the foster system will PAY YOU to adopt a child....did YOU know that? Did you know that they'll pay you to love a child? They'll pay you to clothe and feed the child? Now maybe you might say, "i don't need to be paid to love a child" but too bad, they'll force the money into your hand just for loving that little helpless person. They'll pay you to love that child until it would no longer have been their responsibility, when the child turns 18. So if I bug you about if you're having kids and if you're wanting kids, please don't feel i'm just prying into your personal business, it's usually just that i want to share with more people how amazing adoption can be, especially when it doesn't have to be a money crunch either, in some cases it can even enable a mom to stay home who had to work before. If you are thinking, hmm this sounds interesting...how do i start? PLEASE message me on Facebook, or email me, I am happy to answer your questions, no matter what they are. I sound like a salesperson, but truth is this is just something i feel passionate about and hope that I can help someone else build the family they've wanted.

No longer "For Rent"

When we bought this house with it's five bedrooms and over double the square footage of our old house we made one serious agreement we were not willing to go back on....That we would not walk away from our old house. We even wrote a whole letter to the lender stating that we were going to rent out the old house, because we could afford both houses (barely...but still) so there wasn't a "need" to walk away. Some people have choosen to walk away from older, smaller, more expensive mortgages, in view of the current downturn of the market. Most have HAD to walk away from those mortgages, but in either view, we were planning to be the exception to the norm. That made us stand out to the lenders and we were able to get the loan for this house in near record time. And now it's been nearly 4 months since we became the owners of 2 houses and still only one has been occuppied. In the beginning it was the holidays, then January it was because the friends who were helping us to prep the old house just didn't have as much free time as they'd thought, so the painting and repairs were dragging on and on. Finally in Febraury Adam decided to just fork out the money to pay professionals to do the work. The work was done mid-February, but still no renters. We'd posted ads for the rental as well as held several open houses. There was some luke-warm interest but no one seemed very serious.

Adam in the last few weeks had started to consider what it would be like to actually just let the house go, deed it back to the bank, or even short sale it, just to be rid of the burden. And while i suppose some part of me understood that, I just couldn't imagine going back on the statement we had made which was the main reason we were able to get this house....that we wouldn't just "walk away" from the other one. Everytime i reminded him of that, he agreed so we trudged forward. Everytime I prayed I felt that God's plan was not for us to go back on our word and to "have faith" God will provide away....it's hard hearing the same answer over and over with no results as yet....but we continued having open houses and placing ads.

Then at our last open house a young woman, single, working mother of two young boys came to an open house and was VERY interested. She stayed and filled out the application right then and there as well as paid me for her credit report right then as well. We also recieved another application that same day from a family down the street, the owner of the house they rented was letting it go to foreclosure and they needed to move out in a matter of weeks. We told everyone that day that we would be choosing someone the following monday so that they could move in by March 1st. (really not looking forward to another month of two full mortgage payments)

Out of the two apps we recieved we called references but were concerned about the actual number of people residing with the family from down the street, although she only listed four, we had seen for quite sometime that an additional daughter and friend had been living there as well. So we just the single mother, her job references were great, she had the money and we were glad to be helping her out. When I called to tell her we'd picked her she suddenly decided she couldn't move in until March 15th (I'm assuming that meant money problem...needed another pay check before she could afford to move in) we agreed that if she wanted us to wait that long she was at least going to have to put down the FULL deposit amount for us to hold it that long, because we could rent to the people down the street and get a full month's rent to begin with. She agreed to pay the full deposit and meet us at the house on Saturday at 11am...this was her best day and time, not mine.

So Saturday (today) we pack up all five kids and Adam and I drive out to Modesto, where we park and let the kids watch a movie in the car while we wait...and wait. At 11:05 I call her cell just to verify that she is still coming....i get voicemail and leavea message. At 11:15 the baby is crying in the back and I step out to call her and tell her that we are only staying as long as 11:30 and if she isn't here by then she forfeits any and all contract with us. Voicemail. We're sitting in the car and Adam sees the family down the street loading things in a van. Well, I thought, there goes our only other chance for renters...they must have already found a place. I was feeling very down and Adam decides to go talk to them just to see. Turns out they were moving out their grown daughter and her friend to an apartment (so yay they really didn't have too many people living there!) and the rest of the family still needed a place! He informed them if she didn't show they were second our list (didn't have to tell them thankfully that the list was only 2 people LOL) so a few minutes later at 11:30 I called to inform the young woman she had lost her chance at the house and we were renting it to someone else. And later today we had a signed contract and first month's rent and deposit paid by the people down the street!

It was such an amazing feeling to drive home, a few kids snoring in the back, another one crying, and one who sang every song on the radio...while I smiled, knowing that the Lord had kept His word and provided a way. We are so happy that we have been blessed to be able to keep the word we were inspired to give.

And as a happy side note, we're getting our new dining room table this week...can't wait to post pics!!

(happy dance to follow.....)

Meeting the mother of your children.....

We'd had this day once before, but it was over 3 years ago. But somehow I was still nervous. As Adam and I dressed for court this morning, I debated over what to wear, I'm sure my husband wondered why it was even that important, he had one nice suit, so that's what he wore. I've lost weight and I wanted to wear something that looked nice and fit right, but there was something more. This was what SHE would remember of me. Although I'll never forget seeing HER in shackles and an orange jumpsuit 3 years ago, I just felt like I wanted to look nice to show her I was a nice person....I don't know why her opinion matters...but somehow it does.

Babysitters and rides were arranged and as we left the house it almost felt like we were leaving on a really fancy date. We were dressed in our Sunday best and my husband even opened the car door for me....this was no ordinary 'date'....it was a court date. We drove to Merced in the early morning light, enjoying our moment of quiet time to talk in the car. The paper said 8:15, although court can start anytime after that. So we arrived around 8am, and waited....and waited. Our social worker came, "They'll be terminating their parental rights today, and as long as your homestudy is completed (which it is) then your adoption can be complete in as soon as 75 days." Wow, just like that she could be ours by May. This was all so much faster than Maggie's was and I was glad of that. I brought pictures of Maggie and Darla and a letter for the social worker to give to the Birth Mom. I kept worrying that she didn't know how much we loved these girls, and that maybe if she knew it might make her feel better.

Finally we were called into the court room for the case. This was the same court room we entered for Maggie's final adoption hearing 3 years ago, it was familiar and yet scary all at the same time. The social worker took her seat at a desk beyond the half wall that divided audience from staff. There was not a person in the room aside from staff so we had the entire audience area to choose from as a seat. Being the nerd I am I picked a front row seat behind the desk the social worker was at. Adam pointed out that as a cop he always sits in the last row, but since no one else was there, this was ok too :)

The door directly to our left opened and an armed guard led in the birth mom, orange jumpsuit and shackles, I had an instant flashback of that day 3 years ago. It was in a different court room, but she looked almost exactly as I'd remembered, although her hair was braided nicer today. On that day 3 years ago we sat in an audience full of social workers there for other cases and we didnt' stand out, I wondered at that time if she'd even seen me, I stared at her the whole time hoping for a moment of eye contact, I just knew if i could connect with her she would see my love for Maggie and be ok with this....as I recall I never had that moment. What I remember most was that the birth father at that hearing had stated he was wanting to get Maggie back up on his release from jail. That scared me to pieces. And I had visions of that same fear happening this time. Although nothing ever came of his "hopes" the fear that someone could take her away from us was frightening for quite some time before her adoption was complete.....would today end the same? In fear?

The birth mom shuffled in, looking almost exactly like our Maggie (except taller), feet and hands shackled, the guard directed her to a chair that happened to be directly in front of me...and I mean DIRECTLY, i could have reached out and touched her without leaving my seat. For a moment I tensed, maybe this isn't where we should sit, I whispered to Adam, but then moving would feel just as awkward, so we sat, hands held tight in complete silence. Only a half wall seperated this person, this woman, from me, a woman, a person, a mother to her children. How must that make her feel. I felt so tense and scared I was caught off guard when her lawyer sat down next to her (directly in front of Adam) and they started talking, hushed tones, but clearly meant for us to hear.

"Now you know we're here because they're going to terminate your parental rights, and there really isn't much we can do about that....do you have anything else to say?" The lawyer seemed so matter of fact, as if to say, 'you're screwed lady but if you have any final words say em now.'

She scooted forward in her seat and turned to look at me, "I know them," she started, which caught me off guard because I didn't even think she'd seen me in that court room 3 years ago,"They let my momma see the baby, she said they love her very much." We had let Darla have a visit with the grandmother a few months ago but I had no clue what she may have said to her daughter about us, I remembered worrying about that so much at the time, but had nearly forgotten it until now. "I got to see pictures of the baby," at this point it became more apparent that she wasn't saying "my baby" but rather "THE baby." "She's with her sister, they look happy." She turned to smile at me again, and when she did the lawyer handed her the pictures and letter i had brought for her, "Oh yeah these are for you, pictures and stuff."

I watched her eyes look down at these pictures, these pictures I took with my camera, these pictures where I'd smiled at them to get them to smile at the camera, these pictures that were a piece of our family, and she turned back with a smile. I have never wanted to hug a person more in my life. It was almost painful not to stand up and hug her, an ache that only got worse when she turned back to her lawyer and said "I want them to have her," nodding her head towards me, "they love her and she is happy there." A tear formed in my eye and Adam's eyes as well, it streamed silently down my face when she said "If I ever want to be the person they would like to know someday, I've gotta fix myself." I held Adam's hand so hard, because it was all i could do to keep my hand from reaching out to her.

The judge started to speak about the termination of rights and her lawyer made his statement that she was submitting to the court's request and was happy with the placement. During this brief time the mother leaned towards the birth father and said "what are you gonna say today?" I didn't hear what his response was as he was further away, and from her reaction I can only guess it was going to be the same claim he'd previously made which was to say "When I'm outta jail I want my kid back." Because she leaned as far as she could without leaving her seat and loudly whispered, "DON'T do it!! Just let her be, she's happy there, they're good people, I WANT her there!" The judge and her lawyer had by this point finished their comments and the judge turned to the birth father's lawyer for his client's statment on the case, just as he was about to speak, the father beckoned him to talk for a moment, that moment was the longest 'moment' of my life. They conversed for what felt like an hour (in actuality probably only five minutes, but in a silent courtroom it may as well have been an eternity) Then the lawyer stood back up and said, "My client, while unhappy with this situation has decided to agree to submit to the courts request to terminate rights."

She had done that, for us, for Darla, for love. She had convinced him to let it go. She turned and smiled at me after the attorney's comments with another big smile. Everytime she smiled at me I felt my soul fill my eyes with every word of love I could possibly convey through a look and a smile. I don't know that I could ever have said them out loud even if I were given the chance. In a few moments their rights were terminated, we were all dismissed and everyone stood to leave. She mouthed the words "good bye" to me I stood not wanting to leave her, feeling like I hadn't told her anything and yet everything I could have, I put my hand on the half wall and said "good bye" she placed her hand on the half wall a few inches from mine, the closest we possibly could have been given the situation, but in that moment it was like our spirits connected, mother to mother, we understood each other. Then we had to turn and walk away.

When Maggie was placed with us more than 5 years ago, all we were told about the birth mother was (in no kind terms) "She's a crack whore." These are words I would never ever use myself, but it created an image in my head of a screwed up person who couldn't love anyone but herself and her drugs even if she wanted to. Maggie was better off with us, and I held onto that image for many years. I never told Maggie anything negative about her mother, I kept it as honest as possible by simply saying (when she was old enough to understand more about adoption) that this was a person who couldn't take care of her, and so we did. But today.....today has given me the picture to forever hold in my mind of a woman who loved her children so much she was willing to give them to us to hold for her, because she knew she couldn't. A woman who understood selfless love in a way I could never imagine. And when we came home today, and I saw little Maggie, looking exactly like her birth mom, looking exactly like the face of a woman I have come to love and care for deeply, I could only hug her as hard as I would have her birth mom. And hope that one day, she'll get to hear what a great woman she is. And when I rocked Darla to sleep for a nap, I whispered to her about meeting this wonderful person, who loved her more than she'll ever know.

What a journey this has been, loving these extra children who've been added to our family, and loving the person who added them to this world. This day will live in my heart forever.....and possibly in the pages of a book describing the selfless love of a mother.....I'm going to start writing it tonight.

"new" jeans

So for anyone who's been following my "weight not, want not" blog, i've been dieting for a little over a week now, 9 days to be exact. And i've lost 11 pounds! woo hoo go me! And today i finally fit into that pair of jeans that's been hanging in my closet for several years now....unworn. I wore them once i think, but i gained weight and never wore them again, i keep them thinking....someday? today is some DAY! I wore these jeans today and while i LOVE fitting into them and wearing them, i'm looking forward to a day when even they are too big. I finally came to that point in my life where i decided my health was more important than the comfort of food. I picked a diet that is working for me and i'm sticking to it something fierce! I've been tempted several times but being that i've already lost a good amount of weight i KNOW sticking to it will mean so much more to me than that few seconds of satisfaction from eating something that will not help the weight loss. I know one day i'll get to my goal weight and be able to enjoy an indulgence here and there without fear but for now i'm sticking to this, I'm loving the way i feel and am so excited to step on the scale every morning (bet you never thought you'd hear ME say that did ya?!)

So for now i am pleased wearing my near new jeans and feeling good for the first time in a long time.