I haven't blogged in a while...blame it on my phone. I love my phone, I much prefer to facebook through my phone, however I hate to type on my phone, or any phone for that matter. I can't use my awesome touch typing skills on a small key pad. I prefer a full key pad for larger texts, such as blogs. Since using my phone for facebook I have neglected blogging as I am simply not on the Desk Top computer as much. Because as Elaine pointed out to me this week, I don't just have a phone, I get email on it, so that makes it a computer also....point taken.
So why am I finally subjugating myself to the uncomfortable chair in front of the computer to update my blog??? Because the Husband Man is gone, for a whole month, I know he checks the blog and it's a nice way to update him on how everything is. We talk to him on the phone daily, but that is mostly occupied by the children all trying to talk at once and me rushing off the phone to stop a baby from doing something dangerous, or breaking up a fight amongst the older girls. This is simply an easier way to keep The Husband Man apprised of life at home while he is away.
I think i spent more time worrying about how his time away would feel, than was necessary. I think the cause of that is the fact that we had a weeks vacation right before he left, we had a week to adjust to his 24/7 presence, it was wonderful. He let me sleep in, he put kids to bed, he cuddled babies while I cleaned (one of my greatest joys...cleaning without kids underfoot :) And the idea of going from one extreme of him around 24/7 to another of him being GONE for over a month, was a little scary. I was so enjoying the help that I'd forgotten how really well things can go on a daily basis. If he weren't gone to Texas (for K-9 training) he'd be working nights, I'd still be doing mornings with the kids (while he sleeps) and all day and then bedtime (when he's off at work) so it would have been similar but I would have gotten to see him a few hours in the middle of the day, AND I would have gotten three days off a week. That's going to be the kicker I think. Right now it is day two of his absence, almost day 3 by this hour, and so far it really isn't bad. It helps I have amazing friends, like Rachel Haskin who is always willing to watch my 5 kids, along with her 6 at a moments notice. How wonderful is that??? But so far, it's mostly life as normal, except cleaner, because instead of spending time with The Husband Man after the kids go to bed, I clean instead, to fill the void of time between their sleep and mine. Cleaning is so relaxing to me, when Adam is gone I simply CAN NOT sleep if the house isn't clean, it gives me a sense of peace. This is why I didn't sit down to blog until 11:00 at night, I was cleaning.
I know that it will probably get harder as time goes on without my usual days off, but I've found in life that even if you think things will get hard and you won't be able to mangage, you always do, because you have to. When we found out about Darla, the idea of a fifth child, especially while my fourth was only 6 months old, scared the heck out of both of us. It seemed impossible! But once she was here, it worked, because it had to. I think this time will feel the same way, it will work because there isn't any other option, i won't have three days off a week, and so I will keep working (yes mothering is work :)
I bought myself comfort food before Adam left, thinking I might need it, and wanting to have it onhand such the need arise. Strangely enough since Adam has been gone I have craved health food! I had gotten back into a few old habits of eating out (still don't touch french fries and much smaller portions, but fast food is still fast food!) for a little while, but for some reason it's like I flipped a switch. Maybe the junk food was because I was feeling lazy and that food fit laziness, but now there is not a moment in the day where it is possible to be lazy, so eating that way simply does not appeal to me. It proves to me that my earlier idea of cleaning when I felt the urge for junk food may have had some merit. It is laziness that leads to binging, business leads to actual thought of healthy food, not mindless eating. LIGHT BULB! I have maintained my lost weight surprisingly well considering my eating hasn't been the best, but I feel much better about my ability to maintain with this knowledge in mind. In all honesty I have gained back about 5-6 pounds, which is frustrating however it is where I was pre-reduction surgery, and my newer clothes still fit fine, so again, not too bad, considering the bulk of my weight was lost over six months ago. I still have about 10 pounds to go to feel a little more content, but somehow that last ten just doesn't want to go anywhere, maybe this month of healthier eating will help me step it up and finish what I started.
At first the thought of a whole month seemed so long, actually it's 34 days, the older girls helped me count the days (Daddy should be returning around Halloween) and we made a paper chain to count the days of Daddy's absence. I had two main things planned for the whole month, one weekend I'll be watching the Haskin kids fora few days (11 kids= fun and messes, but mostly fun :), and trying to plan a few activities to keep the kidlets entertained during that time. Then there is a wedding on the 22nd in Utah that I was planning to attend. I bought plane tickets, the kiss of death to all travel plans: reservations. My prearranged sitter for this trip had to cancel and i still haven't figured out what I'm going to do about the kids. But alas, two major events for the entire month, left a lot of time in between. However I've since had several offers for roadtrips to visit people, SEVERAL! I'm now trying to figure out where to fit everything in and this month suddenly feels a lot shorter! Factor in the addition of rehearsals for Elaine for Central West Ballet's Nutcracker, and my schedule got even crazier! I think I may not have a moment to stop this whole month, and that's a good thing, because it's those quiet moments where I miss my Husband Man the most. As of day two I am happy to report "All's well on the home front." We Miss you :)
Our little family
Wife Woman, Husband Man, Catcher and The Hoskinettes.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Cell Phone Saga
I don't know why, but sometimes there is just that one thing which by itself wouldn't have been a big deal, yet added on top of other things just really pushes one over the edge....enter the story of the cell phone.
I got new cell phone service with Verizon around six months ago, got a brand new smart phone, LG Vortex. LOVED IT! Service had been great, phone too, until all the sudden about a month ago it started to go a bit haywire, turning off and on several hundred times a day (no exaggeration) it would freeze up and no buttons would work, the thing was just crazy! It would let me answer some calls, but not retrieve voicemails. So I took it back to the place where I bought it, they check it all out, did a factory reset, which they had to do twice because it froze up during the first attempt. Even then it continued to do the same thing, turn itself off and on again and freeze up, sometimes it would delete all my contacts and sometimes it would bring them back, but not all of them. The store was very confused by it's strange behavoir. "Never seen anything like this," they tell me.."In most cases people bring their phone in claiming it's doing something wrong but by the time they get here it's working fine....this kind of behavoir for a phone is just downright unheard of."
So they call customer service tell them the whole deal and since it's still under warranty they say they'll send me out a "new" one. "How do you want to pay for the shipping?" the $30 shipping???? Are they crazy? It's their phone that went haywire, not something I did to it, and now I have to pay shipping to get the replacement when it's under warranty??? "Oh well if you don't want to pay then we can send it standard mail and it will get there in around 5 days." Fine, to avoid the shipping fee, I'll wait.
And Wait.
And Wait some more.
TWO WEEKS LATER!!! The stinking phone arrives, big box with just the shell of a phone, no battery and no back cover, supposed to take those from the old phone and put them in the new one, it's a "refurbished" phone. Fine, ok, whatever, if it works I don't care! So I put in the old batter and the old back cover, recover my contacts and photos from the old phone and it's working fine. I send back the old phone (or they'll charge me $500 for keeping it, despite it's being dead and all) And I begin enjoying my new phone, of course redownloading apps, but much less than I had before, trying to keep it simple.
One week later:
I was using my phone to play a game, a game I play often as a stress releiver (air traffic controller...somehow it's totally a relief landing those planes safely LOL) But it's getting late so I take the phone, checking it's battery power to see if it needs a charge, half full battery, should be fine. I head upstairs. I set the phone next to my bed on the table, where I always do, I lay down to sleep and I feel restless. I decided to check to see if it was my turn in "Words With Friends" and when I pick up the phone it is off...that's strange, i know I didn't turn it off. So I push the power button, nothing. I remove the battery and replace it and try again, still nothing. That's very strange considering how much batter i KNEW it had. But I plug it in anyway, hoping it will feel more cooperative in the morning.
This morning, nope, still a dead phone. After church I took it into the wireless store again, they try all they can to power on the darn little thing and still...nothing. Not even sound, at least that would mean the screen was the broken part and that would be something, but nope, nothing. Dead phone. "I've never seen anything like this, for a phone to just be....dead." Seriously? SERIOUSLY???? Again?! So my last phone went crazy and this one went dead...AFTER A WEEK!!! I cannot believe this. So here we go with customer service again, but this time I talk to them instead of the clerk, i tell them the WHOLE story, and they say "I know how you feel ma'am" No you don't..your phone works! "We'll get you a new phone right away?" What in another two weeks...cause NO WAY I'm paying shipping! "Oh no it should be there within five days...." I've heard this line before. I ask, 'are you sending me a refurbished phone??'....silence on the other end. "Uh well, that is usually what we do...but..." 'BUT YOU BETTER SEND ME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T GOING TO DIE ON ME!!' (No I didn't shout, the caps are for you to feel the intense frustration I was feeling at the time.) "I'll put a note in here for them to send you a newer one." 'Newer' what is that supposed to mean? I think I was emitting steam from my hot head by this time.
The cell phone was the straw, and I am the camel, and my back has just broken. I am beyond words for frustration (although this is my greatest attempt to put words to the said frustration) and I'm trying to figure out why the stupid cell phone saga is making me so mad, I mean honestly it's not living without a cell phone, as frustrating as that is I really don't think I use it all that much (except for words with friends of course) I think it's just the feeling like I've been let down by the 'customer service' twice now. That to me is the biggest flaw in Verizon, i mean yes the people speak english and they get big props for that, but the fact that all they can do is take two weeks to send me a phone that then only lasts a week before I'm forced to go through all of this again...it's just insane! All I know is I feel like crying, over my stupid dead phone drama, I never thought I would have missed my phone that went insane, but at least it worked...once in a while, all I can do now is stare at the blank screen of a device that has let me down. It is very frustrating, I already have missed voicemails, but they didn't leave a number because it would have shown up on caller Id or at least been in my phone book, so to anyone who is or has tried to call me, I won't be calling you back anytime soon, maybe in five days....yeah right.
I got new cell phone service with Verizon around six months ago, got a brand new smart phone, LG Vortex. LOVED IT! Service had been great, phone too, until all the sudden about a month ago it started to go a bit haywire, turning off and on several hundred times a day (no exaggeration) it would freeze up and no buttons would work, the thing was just crazy! It would let me answer some calls, but not retrieve voicemails. So I took it back to the place where I bought it, they check it all out, did a factory reset, which they had to do twice because it froze up during the first attempt. Even then it continued to do the same thing, turn itself off and on again and freeze up, sometimes it would delete all my contacts and sometimes it would bring them back, but not all of them. The store was very confused by it's strange behavoir. "Never seen anything like this," they tell me.."In most cases people bring their phone in claiming it's doing something wrong but by the time they get here it's working fine....this kind of behavoir for a phone is just downright unheard of."
So they call customer service tell them the whole deal and since it's still under warranty they say they'll send me out a "new" one. "How do you want to pay for the shipping?" the $30 shipping???? Are they crazy? It's their phone that went haywire, not something I did to it, and now I have to pay shipping to get the replacement when it's under warranty??? "Oh well if you don't want to pay then we can send it standard mail and it will get there in around 5 days." Fine, to avoid the shipping fee, I'll wait.
And Wait.
And Wait some more.
TWO WEEKS LATER!!! The stinking phone arrives, big box with just the shell of a phone, no battery and no back cover, supposed to take those from the old phone and put them in the new one, it's a "refurbished" phone. Fine, ok, whatever, if it works I don't care! So I put in the old batter and the old back cover, recover my contacts and photos from the old phone and it's working fine. I send back the old phone (or they'll charge me $500 for keeping it, despite it's being dead and all) And I begin enjoying my new phone, of course redownloading apps, but much less than I had before, trying to keep it simple.
One week later:
I was using my phone to play a game, a game I play often as a stress releiver (air traffic controller...somehow it's totally a relief landing those planes safely LOL) But it's getting late so I take the phone, checking it's battery power to see if it needs a charge, half full battery, should be fine. I head upstairs. I set the phone next to my bed on the table, where I always do, I lay down to sleep and I feel restless. I decided to check to see if it was my turn in "Words With Friends" and when I pick up the phone it is off...that's strange, i know I didn't turn it off. So I push the power button, nothing. I remove the battery and replace it and try again, still nothing. That's very strange considering how much batter i KNEW it had. But I plug it in anyway, hoping it will feel more cooperative in the morning.
This morning, nope, still a dead phone. After church I took it into the wireless store again, they try all they can to power on the darn little thing and still...nothing. Not even sound, at least that would mean the screen was the broken part and that would be something, but nope, nothing. Dead phone. "I've never seen anything like this, for a phone to just be....dead." Seriously? SERIOUSLY???? Again?! So my last phone went crazy and this one went dead...AFTER A WEEK!!! I cannot believe this. So here we go with customer service again, but this time I talk to them instead of the clerk, i tell them the WHOLE story, and they say "I know how you feel ma'am" No you don't..your phone works! "We'll get you a new phone right away?" What in another two weeks...cause NO WAY I'm paying shipping! "Oh no it should be there within five days...." I've heard this line before. I ask, 'are you sending me a refurbished phone??'....silence on the other end. "Uh well, that is usually what we do...but..." 'BUT YOU BETTER SEND ME SOMETHING THAT ISN'T GOING TO DIE ON ME!!' (No I didn't shout, the caps are for you to feel the intense frustration I was feeling at the time.) "I'll put a note in here for them to send you a newer one." 'Newer' what is that supposed to mean? I think I was emitting steam from my hot head by this time.
The cell phone was the straw, and I am the camel, and my back has just broken. I am beyond words for frustration (although this is my greatest attempt to put words to the said frustration) and I'm trying to figure out why the stupid cell phone saga is making me so mad, I mean honestly it's not living without a cell phone, as frustrating as that is I really don't think I use it all that much (except for words with friends of course) I think it's just the feeling like I've been let down by the 'customer service' twice now. That to me is the biggest flaw in Verizon, i mean yes the people speak english and they get big props for that, but the fact that all they can do is take two weeks to send me a phone that then only lasts a week before I'm forced to go through all of this again...it's just insane! All I know is I feel like crying, over my stupid dead phone drama, I never thought I would have missed my phone that went insane, but at least it worked...once in a while, all I can do now is stare at the blank screen of a device that has let me down. It is very frustrating, I already have missed voicemails, but they didn't leave a number because it would have shown up on caller Id or at least been in my phone book, so to anyone who is or has tried to call me, I won't be calling you back anytime soon, maybe in five days....yeah right.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
My hearing is fine, it's my listening that needs work!
This post was just about to be an ad for a lost dog.
Kolohe, our older dog (not to be confused with Scooter, our boxer puppy) was missing when we got home late from the temple tonight. Kolohe does not like to be outside at dark, she sleeps indoors and starts to get anxious if she can't come in once she knows the kids have gone to bed. (don't ask me how she knows when that is, but inevitably she is whining at the door minutes after they've gone to bed) So apparently when we didn't get home until 11:30, she got so upset she tore her way through our fence. Left a lovely hole in the bottom of it, a whole big enough for our other dog to escape through, however that wonderful well behaved puppy apparently had no desire to, as he was still hanging out in the yard.
Now normally when Kolohe gets out (this is a recurring issue, ever since puppy-dom) she likes to wander down a few houses and sniff around and comes back, if we're not home when this happens she usually hangs out near Adam's police car, it's a familiar scent (train dust has a unique smell to her I think). Kid's in our old neighborhood used to ask if she was his police dog, cause she'd just hang out by it just waiting. The reason she is so familiar with his police car is that in her younger days of escaping, the only way we could get her to come home was if Adam went in a car and picked her up as she loves car rides. And his police car wasn't upholstry we cared about so picking her up in that was easier. Then it just became the car he used because he knew she knew it so well, it looked and smelled so much different from street cars in the neighborhood.
The moment Adam told me she was missing I felt strangely calm, normally that's the kind of thing that would freak me out, I would instantly imagine life without her and how sad that would be. But for some reason I didn't feel that at all. Adam got in his police car to go look for her. I stood out on the lawn listening in my quiet neighborhood for sounds of a dog sniffing around in the dark, but no such sound came. I turned around and looked at my house and had a thought, maybe she is trapped somewhere, like behind the shed in the backyard or something, so I should go check the yard again. I went through the front door and into the house, I looked for a moment at the garage door, a passing thought of going through the garage and out the side door to the yard, but instead went to the sliding door to the backyard. I looked all around, played with Scooter for a few minutes and figured I should go back in, as she was obviously not out here. I could go back in through the side door into the garage and into the house that way, but instead I went back through the sliding door again. Adam still wasn't back yet, feeling helpless I decided to walk back outside and wait for him, I could go through the garage and open the large garage door to get to the front yard, but instead I went through the front door. I called her name a few times, listening for rustling or other dog noises in response, but nothing. Adam wasn't back yet so I walked back into the house, glancing in the direction of the garage, thinking, I could have gone in that way if I'd come out that way.
I headed upstairs, I suppose it's time to make a missing dog ad, I thought to myself, still not really believeing that's what I was coming upstairs to do. I sat down and started blogging about our day at the temple, not really believing the day had all been so wonderful yet ended so badly. As I blogged I heard Adam come home, one car door shut, not two (Kolohe usually rides in the back seat). That meant he was alone, I heard him come through the front door, I stopped typing to listen for the clicking of dog paws on our tile floor....nothing. No Kolohe.
Adam had noticed the garage light was on (we have windows in the top panel of our garage door) when he came home, it has a motion sensor on it, but if it's still on more than 5 minutes after we've been out of the garage then someone likely flipped the switch on and he decided to go turn it off. When he opened the door to the garage, Kolohe came walking in, as if she had just been hanging out in there waiting for someone to open the door and let her into the house. Waiting....in the garage. I'd had that thought several times, first the thought that she was trapped somewhere, then the thought several times to go through the garage to get to the yard and even to go through the garage to go back into the house. I'd heard these thoughts everytime they were placed in my head, but I didn't listen to them a single time. But Adam, the first time he had the thought, go switch off the light in the garage (even though it's on a timer and would usually go off by itself) he did, and there was the dog. Strange how sometimes I hear the promptings loud and clear, the answers to my problems and questions spoken in my own voice in my ear, and I just don't listen. Everytime something like this happens I vow to never let it happen again, somehow it usually does eventually, but maybe blogging about it for the whole world to see (or at least the 10 or 12 followers I have) will help me to learn from my mistakes.
It's not enough to pray for answers, even quiet unspoken, only spiritually uttered prayers. It's just as important to listen and act on the answers recieved. I should have known from the instant calmness I felt at finding out she was gone that the answer was available to me, if only I would listen.
Kolohe, our older dog (not to be confused with Scooter, our boxer puppy) was missing when we got home late from the temple tonight. Kolohe does not like to be outside at dark, she sleeps indoors and starts to get anxious if she can't come in once she knows the kids have gone to bed. (don't ask me how she knows when that is, but inevitably she is whining at the door minutes after they've gone to bed) So apparently when we didn't get home until 11:30, she got so upset she tore her way through our fence. Left a lovely hole in the bottom of it, a whole big enough for our other dog to escape through, however that wonderful well behaved puppy apparently had no desire to, as he was still hanging out in the yard.
Now normally when Kolohe gets out (this is a recurring issue, ever since puppy-dom) she likes to wander down a few houses and sniff around and comes back, if we're not home when this happens she usually hangs out near Adam's police car, it's a familiar scent (train dust has a unique smell to her I think). Kid's in our old neighborhood used to ask if she was his police dog, cause she'd just hang out by it just waiting. The reason she is so familiar with his police car is that in her younger days of escaping, the only way we could get her to come home was if Adam went in a car and picked her up as she loves car rides. And his police car wasn't upholstry we cared about so picking her up in that was easier. Then it just became the car he used because he knew she knew it so well, it looked and smelled so much different from street cars in the neighborhood.
The moment Adam told me she was missing I felt strangely calm, normally that's the kind of thing that would freak me out, I would instantly imagine life without her and how sad that would be. But for some reason I didn't feel that at all. Adam got in his police car to go look for her. I stood out on the lawn listening in my quiet neighborhood for sounds of a dog sniffing around in the dark, but no such sound came. I turned around and looked at my house and had a thought, maybe she is trapped somewhere, like behind the shed in the backyard or something, so I should go check the yard again. I went through the front door and into the house, I looked for a moment at the garage door, a passing thought of going through the garage and out the side door to the yard, but instead went to the sliding door to the backyard. I looked all around, played with Scooter for a few minutes and figured I should go back in, as she was obviously not out here. I could go back in through the side door into the garage and into the house that way, but instead I went back through the sliding door again. Adam still wasn't back yet, feeling helpless I decided to walk back outside and wait for him, I could go through the garage and open the large garage door to get to the front yard, but instead I went through the front door. I called her name a few times, listening for rustling or other dog noises in response, but nothing. Adam wasn't back yet so I walked back into the house, glancing in the direction of the garage, thinking, I could have gone in that way if I'd come out that way.
I headed upstairs, I suppose it's time to make a missing dog ad, I thought to myself, still not really believeing that's what I was coming upstairs to do. I sat down and started blogging about our day at the temple, not really believing the day had all been so wonderful yet ended so badly. As I blogged I heard Adam come home, one car door shut, not two (Kolohe usually rides in the back seat). That meant he was alone, I heard him come through the front door, I stopped typing to listen for the clicking of dog paws on our tile floor....nothing. No Kolohe.
Adam had noticed the garage light was on (we have windows in the top panel of our garage door) when he came home, it has a motion sensor on it, but if it's still on more than 5 minutes after we've been out of the garage then someone likely flipped the switch on and he decided to go turn it off. When he opened the door to the garage, Kolohe came walking in, as if she had just been hanging out in there waiting for someone to open the door and let her into the house. Waiting....in the garage. I'd had that thought several times, first the thought that she was trapped somewhere, then the thought several times to go through the garage to get to the yard and even to go through the garage to go back into the house. I'd heard these thoughts everytime they were placed in my head, but I didn't listen to them a single time. But Adam, the first time he had the thought, go switch off the light in the garage (even though it's on a timer and would usually go off by itself) he did, and there was the dog. Strange how sometimes I hear the promptings loud and clear, the answers to my problems and questions spoken in my own voice in my ear, and I just don't listen. Everytime something like this happens I vow to never let it happen again, somehow it usually does eventually, but maybe blogging about it for the whole world to see (or at least the 10 or 12 followers I have) will help me to learn from my mistakes.
It's not enough to pray for answers, even quiet unspoken, only spiritually uttered prayers. It's just as important to listen and act on the answers recieved. I should have known from the instant calmness I felt at finding out she was gone that the answer was available to me, if only I would listen.
Families Can Be Together Forever.
Today was an AMAZING day. Darla Deanne Hoskins was sealed to our family for time and all eternity at the Sacramento, CA Temple. The picture above is the Sacramento Temple. We got to town early so that we could stop in at the church bookstore and pick up a few inspirational books and cd's. The kids LOVED that store and didn't want to leave, they thought all the books with pictures of Christ on them and lessons about church in them looked like the best books ever. I think we may have to venture there more often. Then we were at the temple an hour early to take family portraits. I knew of a photographer who lived in the Sacramento area and asked if she could do a photo session for us so that I didn't have to worry about family getting there early to take pictures and we could do it before going in and before all the crankies were likely to set in. She was excited and did a wonderful job for an amazing price! Pictures will be available in a few weeks, and I'm hoping for something frame worthy of a family picture, seems all our family pictures of late have been with all the kids moving in different directions. Here's hoping!
Then when we went inside there was such a sense of peace just walking in the door, I love that feeling about the Temple. The temple is a reverent place, and whispering is really preferred and so of course with little babies I wondered how quiet they would be. Darla is loudest when she's happy and Catcher I knew was tired and that was going to lead to some serious crankiness. Adam and I had to do paperwork and get ready so the children were left in the care of a few temple matrons and family who had arrived early. Apparently Catcher was just inconsoleable so they brought him into the bride's room because it's rather sealed off in the middle of the temple and a crying baby wouldn't be as likely to disturb others in there. So when I came in all dressed, he just wanted me, normally this kid is Daddy's little shadow, but since I was there, he wanted me. He was pretty happy with me around but when it came time to seperate again, he started to cry....loudly. But what had to be done had to be done so we sent him off with a Grandma while I met up with my Husband Man to have a quiet prayer together before hand. I prayed for peace, for myself and my children, that the spirit might calm them all, so that the time could be enjoyed by all in attendance.
When we went into the sealing room and our friends and family were there, it was just beautiful, and then the moment came, bringing in the children. Each of them had a sweet smile like I've never seen, glowing from the inside out like sunshine from their glimmering eyes. Catcher was carried by a temple matron a woman he was unfamiliar with and yet, despite being in a room full of family he knew, he remained perfectly content in her arms, not whining to go to someone more comforting and familiar. It was obvious my prayer was answered.
The sealing is a short prayer pronounced as Adam and I hold hands and Darla's hand is placed atop of our hands. Adam's sister, Amanda, held Darla's little hand in place and I looked at my Husband's face and then we both looked at little Darla. She stared into Adam's eyes, not with fear, or concern for the strangeness of being held this way, but with peace. The calmness in her spirit was manifest in her stillness as the prayer was said, the gentle way she looked into our faces, a gentle smile the whole time. And then in only a minute, she became our fifth child, not just for the time of our lives on this Earth, but for the Eternities of Heaven's everlasting glory.
Outside the temple the children of our friend's and family waited, cousin's hugged with joyous laughter and children danced about amongst the fountains and gorgeous plantings outside the temple. It was near 7pm at this time and we decided to head out for dinner with a few close friends and family. Including children and babies, this was a party of around 32 people, thanks to Cattleman's restaurant for accomodating us on such short notice! It still took a while to get served our food but I think everyone had a great time, I know I did. Catcher was tired and a little cranky but as far as cranky goes, his behavior was quite handleable. And how did the star of the day, little Darla do? That sweet girl must have hit a second wind around 7:30, she laughed and giggled and played her way through dinner until we left some time around 9:00ish, she really is a joy!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Life as we know it
Today I went through my normal morning routine. Got the babies their bottles, fed the big kids breakfast and then retrieved the babies from upstairs to come have their breakfast. Somewhere in there I found a moment to take a few bites of my cereal. After breakfast we all stayed in our pj's for a bit and adjourned to the living room. The babies played on the floor, happilly sharing toys and giggles, the big girls read stories and serranaded the babies with primary songs. I sat on the couch cozy with one or another child on my lap at any given time, and enjoyed two hours of pure bliss. I sat there for the whole time in awe of these beautiful blessings in our lives. These children who each have their own unique personality and gifts to bring to the family, they are all ours (well soon to be ALL ours.)
Darla: She will officially be ours as of July 1, 2011 (8:15am). We've signed the adoptive placement forms so she is in adoptive custody and will be in permanent family placement as of our final court signing on July 1st. She is starting to crawl, mostly in an army crawl fashion, dragging herself with her arms, but she certainly gets where she wants to go! She smiles constantly, nearly every second she is awake she is happy. Darla has FINALLY discovered the joys of eating! The kid wouldn't swallow anything that wasn't a bottle until just recently and now she can't get enough of the real stuff! Currently she LOVES sausage for some strange reason, it was hillarious watching her eat it for the first time, grinned everytime it was in her mouth. She is about to be 9 months old and has a mouth full of 8 teeth that she shows off with all her happy smiles. Here are a few recent pictures of her:
(this picture is also a good representation of myself before weight loss as well)
Katie: "Katie Kat" is the typical middle child, combined with the typical 3 year old...all rolled into a cute and sweet little package that makes it hard to be mad when she can be so frustrating! That being said, the tough side is opposite of her 'oh so sweet' side which loves to sing songs and make up stories and has the imagination of ten children combined. A few days ago in the car I heard her playing, acting out some kind of story between two characters, I looked back to see what toys she was playing with, and she had none. Each of her hands was a character, and later a foot was added to the show which made it quite interesting. While easy to anger and frustration (comes with the age) she is quick to laugh and giggle and be silly to make others feel happy. She loves the babies and is always trying to be helpful with them, she knows Catcher likes this clean so she'll often clean up around him just to make him smile. She loves to cuddle with anyone who'll let her and always has to have 'blankey' included in the snuggle. Her long blonde hair has gotten even longer and is near to being sat on her by own little bottom, she hopes to grow it as long as Rapunzel, which is of course because her favorite movie and character is Rapunzel from Tangled. Again here are some pictures of her, a few memorable young ones first:
Maggie: "Maggie May" is going to be turning 6 in August, which is also the same time as the anniversary of her adoption 4 years ago. She completely kindergarten this last year and is excited to start 1st grade in a homeschool program through a local charter school. Maggie excels at nearly anything physical, which is why she'll be getting to start up gymnastics again in the fall as well. She used to do it a few years ago and was getting good at it but during my pregnancy with Catcher we had to drop it for a while to simplify things but we are excited to be starting it again for her soon. Maggie loves being a big sister and enjoys helping mommy, espcially with sweeping which she has become quite good at. At least twice a week she volunteers to sweep the whole bottom floor of the house, which is no small task considering the nearly 1300 square feet of the bottom floor are all either tile or wood, aside from a small rug in the livingroom. We got a new dog a few months ago and Maggie's animal skills have continued to amaze us. She has what I call "Animal Charisma"....animals are drawn to her and will listen to her and obey her commands quite well for such a small child. we look forward to seeing this talent grow as she does. Here are some pictures of her, the first is of the day we got her, at 6 weeks old still only weighed just over 6 pounds, this is my mom holding her, then a few more of her leading up to a current picture of our Magdalena May:
Elaine: "Lainey Bug" is 7 and still...of course....loves ballet. She just finished her fourth year of ballet and third recital with Juline School of Dance in Modesto. Elaine is ecstatic about the opportunity to try out for Central West Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker" this holiday season, she has dreamed of being in a 'real' ballet for as long as she knew they existed. She keeps hoping if she practices hard enough she'll get to be the sugar plum fairy, while trying not to totally burst her bubble I had to remind her that it is a part for older girls who have been on pointe for years and that she'll have an opportunity to try out for that part in years to come, and she is NOW looking forward to being in it in any part she gets. She is, as ever, the sweet and gentle oldest child. She, like Catcher, likes things to be in a certain kind of order and does get frustrated with things (such as siblings) who upset that order, but all in all is quite easy going
and usually the first to compromise when it is needed (daily with this many kids!) As an oldest child I couldn't have asked for anything better than a sweet and loving example to the younger children as she is. I recently came across several old pictures, so here are a few of Elaine thru the years ending with the most recent:
(this was her 5th birthday party, with a REAL ballerina, a day she'll never forget)
Well I guess that only leaves The Husband Man and I (which makes me The Wonder Wife). For anyone who follows us thru facebook or anything, you are surely aware of my weight loss, but did you also know that The Husband Man lost even more than I did??! Seriously! Adam has lost 60 pounds and I have lost 50. We have found a healthy balance and maintenance plan that is working well for us. Losing weight together was so much easier than years of trying and failing alone. We celebrated our 10th anniversary last month and I am elated to say we are both the same size we were when we got married, i even tried on my wedding dress just for kicks and it totally fit! Which the kids loved, getting to see mommy as a princess again :)
Darla: She will officially be ours as of July 1, 2011 (8:15am). We've signed the adoptive placement forms so she is in adoptive custody and will be in permanent family placement as of our final court signing on July 1st. She is starting to crawl, mostly in an army crawl fashion, dragging herself with her arms, but she certainly gets where she wants to go! She smiles constantly, nearly every second she is awake she is happy. Darla has FINALLY discovered the joys of eating! The kid wouldn't swallow anything that wasn't a bottle until just recently and now she can't get enough of the real stuff! Currently she LOVES sausage for some strange reason, it was hillarious watching her eat it for the first time, grinned everytime it was in her mouth. She is about to be 9 months old and has a mouth full of 8 teeth that she shows off with all her happy smiles. Here are a few recent pictures of her:
(this picture is also a good representation of myself before weight loss as well)
Katie: "Katie Kat" is the typical middle child, combined with the typical 3 year old...all rolled into a cute and sweet little package that makes it hard to be mad when she can be so frustrating! That being said, the tough side is opposite of her 'oh so sweet' side which loves to sing songs and make up stories and has the imagination of ten children combined. A few days ago in the car I heard her playing, acting out some kind of story between two characters, I looked back to see what toys she was playing with, and she had none. Each of her hands was a character, and later a foot was added to the show which made it quite interesting. While easy to anger and frustration (comes with the age) she is quick to laugh and giggle and be silly to make others feel happy. She loves the babies and is always trying to be helpful with them, she knows Catcher likes this clean so she'll often clean up around him just to make him smile. She loves to cuddle with anyone who'll let her and always has to have 'blankey' included in the snuggle. Her long blonde hair has gotten even longer and is near to being sat on her by own little bottom, she hopes to grow it as long as Rapunzel, which is of course because her favorite movie and character is Rapunzel from Tangled. Again here are some pictures of her, a few memorable young ones first:
Maggie: "Maggie May" is going to be turning 6 in August, which is also the same time as the anniversary of her adoption 4 years ago. She completely kindergarten this last year and is excited to start 1st grade in a homeschool program through a local charter school. Maggie excels at nearly anything physical, which is why she'll be getting to start up gymnastics again in the fall as well. She used to do it a few years ago and was getting good at it but during my pregnancy with Catcher we had to drop it for a while to simplify things but we are excited to be starting it again for her soon. Maggie loves being a big sister and enjoys helping mommy, espcially with sweeping which she has become quite good at. At least twice a week she volunteers to sweep the whole bottom floor of the house, which is no small task considering the nearly 1300 square feet of the bottom floor are all either tile or wood, aside from a small rug in the livingroom. We got a new dog a few months ago and Maggie's animal skills have continued to amaze us. She has what I call "Animal Charisma"....animals are drawn to her and will listen to her and obey her commands quite well for such a small child. we look forward to seeing this talent grow as she does. Here are some pictures of her, the first is of the day we got her, at 6 weeks old still only weighed just over 6 pounds, this is my mom holding her, then a few more of her leading up to a current picture of our Magdalena May:
Elaine: "Lainey Bug" is 7 and still...of course....loves ballet. She just finished her fourth year of ballet and third recital with Juline School of Dance in Modesto. Elaine is ecstatic about the opportunity to try out for Central West Ballet's production of "The Nutcracker" this holiday season, she has dreamed of being in a 'real' ballet for as long as she knew they existed. She keeps hoping if she practices hard enough she'll get to be the sugar plum fairy, while trying not to totally burst her bubble I had to remind her that it is a part for older girls who have been on pointe for years and that she'll have an opportunity to try out for that part in years to come, and she is NOW looking forward to being in it in any part she gets. She is, as ever, the sweet and gentle oldest child. She, like Catcher, likes things to be in a certain kind of order and does get frustrated with things (such as siblings) who upset that order, but all in all is quite easy going
and usually the first to compromise when it is needed (daily with this many kids!) As an oldest child I couldn't have asked for anything better than a sweet and loving example to the younger children as she is. I recently came across several old pictures, so here are a few of Elaine thru the years ending with the most recent:
(this was her 5th birthday party, with a REAL ballerina, a day she'll never forget)
Well I guess that only leaves The Husband Man and I (which makes me The Wonder Wife). For anyone who follows us thru facebook or anything, you are surely aware of my weight loss, but did you also know that The Husband Man lost even more than I did??! Seriously! Adam has lost 60 pounds and I have lost 50. We have found a healthy balance and maintenance plan that is working well for us. Losing weight together was so much easier than years of trying and failing alone. We celebrated our 10th anniversary last month and I am elated to say we are both the same size we were when we got married, i even tried on my wedding dress just for kicks and it totally fit! Which the kids loved, getting to see mommy as a princess again :)
I had a breast reduction following the completion of my weight loss, something I've wanted for years and finally was able to have, thanks to my insurance. That was the icing on the fat free weight loss cake! It made my weight loss seem so much more dramatic over night! it was a difficult adjustment for me at first but I healed quick and am back to normal life, as a new version of normal sets in. My dr told me after only 3 weeks post op that I looked nearly fully healed, like someone would at 6 weeks out, apparently I healed twice as fast as the average person...hence my title, Wonder Wife!
The Husband Man continues to work as a Police Officer (official title of Senior Special Agent) with Union Pacific Railroad, he takes his work very serious and we are so glad he's out there keeping things a little safer for everyone. This job has been a blessing for our family in so many ways and we are looking forward to many more years to come with the comapany.
Life as we know it is busy and beautiful, stressful and superb, wild and wonderful.... When I look back at what just the last year alone has brought, it only makes me sit in wonder as to what amazing blessings the Lord has in store for our family, through miraculous and sometimes unimaginable means....
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
The things they don't tell you....
****Warning, this blog is about my breast reduction surgery, NO it IS NOT graphic in nature at all, but you should know the topic incase you're uncomfortable with it, this is my life and these are the things I'm going thru and here's what I have to say about it*****
Why is it I keep coming across times in my life where I suddenly realize, there is a LOT "they" never told me about this. For example I remember when i graduated from high school, i did NOT know my diploma wouldn't be in the nifty little diploma holder they gave me when i crossed the stage, why didn't anybody tell me that before? And when I got married, why didn't anyone tell me that despite looking like a princess all day, i was so uncomfortable in my dress and veil and super-armored underwear that i spent the whole day looking forward to ripping it off and never wearing it again (my husband probably did too but for slightly different reasons). Seriously, the whole time i was getting ready for my wedding, nobody bothered to mention that? And when i got pregnant and did the math and realized pregnancy is more like 10 months...not 9, 40 weeks, that's 10 months, not 9. All the women out there having children and not one could spare the time to prepare me for that one? (my babies were all born early anyway so why should i complain eh?!) But the point of this whole thing is the amount of information NO ONE told me before having a breast reduction. SOOOOO if you're thinking at all of ever having it done, or know someone who might, or even someone who might consider any kind of radical alteration to their appearance, then read on my friends....read on. (if not feel free to stop reading here :)
My doctor never saw me for more than five minutes at each of my pre-surgery appointments, told me what the surgery entailed, asked if i was serious and ready, and that was it. I read all the information made available to me by Kaiser, which consisted of a pre-surgery (generic to most kinds of surgery) information sheet of what not to wear on surgery day and so on, as well as post-op care information (again rather general to all surgery) how to change a dressing, and take meds and relax. That was literally ALL that was made available to me. Now on Facebook i had taken every opportunity to update about my surgery, and all along the way I had several people privately message me to say that they'd had the surgery or known someone else who had and that (and I quote from EVERY person who messaged me about it) "it was the best thing I ever did!!!" So at this point i was excited, people with experience were that happy with it, than i would be too...right?!
On the day of the surgery i found myself worrying i wouldn't like the results, what if they made me feel fatter because as a comparison the rest of my body didn't appear so small now that there weren't two giant bolders on my chest to compare them to? and religiously, was it right to be changing the body God gave me? It all began to hit me that morning, and i began to almost look for reasons not to go thru with it. I actually am not terribly afraid of surgery, i've had several in the past, knee surgeries, tonsils out and of course the three c-sections, so it wasn't really the surgery i was worried about, just the results of it. Again all i got from people were confirmation that i would be so glad when it was done, and even when i prayed i had a sense of peace so i knew it was the right thing to do....so i had went ahead with the breast reduction surgery.
As with all surgeries, my part was easy, i went to sleep and in the blink of an eye woke up and it was done. It's somewhat disconcerting to wake up in what felt like a second and realize HOURS have passed, and my whole body was altered. I had a HUGE bandage on so i really didn't feel much smaller at that point, which of course made me worry that they didn't take enough off. That fear went away the next day at my appointment when the bandage was removed and i saw my new self for the first time....
After years of looking down and seeing nothing but the top of my large chest, i looked down and felt like there was no longer ANY chest, none at all. My new chest was so swollen and tight against my body that i honestly felt like i had NO breasts at all!! I cried, i began to feel i'd made a huge and awful mistake. Thus began a downward spiral no one told me would happen. Everytime i looked down at myself i cried, I felt like my husband would no longer find me attractive, i honestly felt i looked like a man. What I saw didn't resemble breasts at all, mutilated pieces of meat were my exact thoughts on the matter. How could so many people have gone thru this and come out thinking it was the best decision they'd ever made and not stopped to mention a period of mourning the loss of your previous identity?? That's totally how I felt, I'd always been "that girl with the big boobs," not that I found this flattering or anything, but it's just who I was, for as long as I could remember, I mean I had to start wearing a bra in 4th grade, despite being stick thin everywhere else, and by 8th grade i was a DD! I did not realize how much of my personally percieved identity was wrapped up in my overly large bust. I cried for several days, over everything, over nothing, I felt depressed for the first time in my life. I had never gone thru post pardum depression with any of my babies, but my husband said that it was like i was going thru post-parting depression with the loss of my breasts, while humorous it very accurately described how I felt. It's like shopper's remorse, you buy something at the store, even though it's more than you meant to spend, and when you get home you just decide it wasn't worth that price and you take it back....only I couldn't take it back. All those people couldn't takea moment to tell me I might feel like this???? Or to tell me they wouldn't even resemble breasts at first???? At this point I was worried I would feel like this forever and they would look like that forever.
And then a breakthru came....
About a week after surgery Adam and I took the opportunity to go shopping while the older kids were at school, we broght the little ones with us and went to the StoneRidge Mall in Pleasanton. I tried on bra's for the first time to get an idea of what size I was. The pain during this week had been easy to deal with, I only took pain meds on the day of surgery and after that If I hurt I laid down, because my pain was near gone when i laid down on my back....again, no one told me i wouldn't be able to lay on my side after surgery. So by this time a lot of swelling had gone down and my breasts were beginning to outwardly (thru clothing) take on a more normal shape. Upon trying on SEVERAL bra's I found that my new size was happilly a D, which was exactly what I'd wanted, I guess I just didn't realize how much smaller a D was in comparison to my previous size I. It was like an instant change, now realizing i had what I wanted, and generally feeling better because I was shopping which is the ultimate cure-all for me , i left that mall with a new found freedom. I no longer feel depressed and am quite happy with the results, and went in to my next appointment a whole different person that I'd been the week before.
My doctor said I looked to be feeling better and asked how I felt about the results.
"Well, I am happy with the results NOW, but I have to tell you, last week I was quite depressed about the whole thing, I didn't like how small they were and I didn't realize how much of my personal identity I had attatched to my large chest."
"Oh yeah," he says," I could tell even before your surgery you were going to have that problem."
EXCUSE ME???!!!!!!!!! He spent all of five minutes with me at each appointment, (2 total before surgery) and in that time he could tell this about me? Ok that is totally possible, but if it was true, why didn't he tell me???? SERIOUSLY!! I mean if you think i have the potential for depression after surgery, you don't think there's something you can do, but at least bringing up the topic during an appointment, letting me know i might feel this way, and what to do about it, or how long it could last...or for heaven's sake give me some reading literature on the topic!!! I was so infuriated by the non-challant attitude that it was just something I would have to deal with, and since I was better now why did it matter? You want to know why it matters, and why I'm telling everyone this?! Because during those days, I felt like the only person on the planet who'd had this surgery and was unhappy with it, during that time i felt so alone (which does not help when you're already depressed) because everyone else said "it was the best choice i ever made!"
Now it has been over two weeks since my surgery and honestly at this point I can say "it was the best choice I've ever made," as well, but if I were really telling someone who was considering this surgery, i would not forget to mention that it's a HUGE adjustment to change that drastically in a matter of hours, or what to me felt like the blink of an eye. It will take a serious period of getting used to the way you move and the way clothes fit and the way you look when all is said and done. And being confident in yourself when your a whole new self is a little hard to come by in the beginning. And that all of that....is OK, and normal. That's the main thing I wish someone would have told me, that feeling that way, is normal, and that it will pass.
I won't apologize for the bluntness of my blog on this subject, as you were forewarned and if you chose to read this far that's your own fault, but I would like to say that I hope more of us take the time to be honest, to be truly honest with our answers to all questions, because sometimes people ask those questions looking for the whole answer, not just the 'right' one.
Why is it I keep coming across times in my life where I suddenly realize, there is a LOT "they" never told me about this. For example I remember when i graduated from high school, i did NOT know my diploma wouldn't be in the nifty little diploma holder they gave me when i crossed the stage, why didn't anybody tell me that before? And when I got married, why didn't anyone tell me that despite looking like a princess all day, i was so uncomfortable in my dress and veil and super-armored underwear that i spent the whole day looking forward to ripping it off and never wearing it again (my husband probably did too but for slightly different reasons). Seriously, the whole time i was getting ready for my wedding, nobody bothered to mention that? And when i got pregnant and did the math and realized pregnancy is more like 10 months...not 9, 40 weeks, that's 10 months, not 9. All the women out there having children and not one could spare the time to prepare me for that one? (my babies were all born early anyway so why should i complain eh?!) But the point of this whole thing is the amount of information NO ONE told me before having a breast reduction. SOOOOO if you're thinking at all of ever having it done, or know someone who might, or even someone who might consider any kind of radical alteration to their appearance, then read on my friends....read on. (if not feel free to stop reading here :)
My doctor never saw me for more than five minutes at each of my pre-surgery appointments, told me what the surgery entailed, asked if i was serious and ready, and that was it. I read all the information made available to me by Kaiser, which consisted of a pre-surgery (generic to most kinds of surgery) information sheet of what not to wear on surgery day and so on, as well as post-op care information (again rather general to all surgery) how to change a dressing, and take meds and relax. That was literally ALL that was made available to me. Now on Facebook i had taken every opportunity to update about my surgery, and all along the way I had several people privately message me to say that they'd had the surgery or known someone else who had and that (and I quote from EVERY person who messaged me about it) "it was the best thing I ever did!!!" So at this point i was excited, people with experience were that happy with it, than i would be too...right?!
On the day of the surgery i found myself worrying i wouldn't like the results, what if they made me feel fatter because as a comparison the rest of my body didn't appear so small now that there weren't two giant bolders on my chest to compare them to? and religiously, was it right to be changing the body God gave me? It all began to hit me that morning, and i began to almost look for reasons not to go thru with it. I actually am not terribly afraid of surgery, i've had several in the past, knee surgeries, tonsils out and of course the three c-sections, so it wasn't really the surgery i was worried about, just the results of it. Again all i got from people were confirmation that i would be so glad when it was done, and even when i prayed i had a sense of peace so i knew it was the right thing to do....so i had went ahead with the breast reduction surgery.
As with all surgeries, my part was easy, i went to sleep and in the blink of an eye woke up and it was done. It's somewhat disconcerting to wake up in what felt like a second and realize HOURS have passed, and my whole body was altered. I had a HUGE bandage on so i really didn't feel much smaller at that point, which of course made me worry that they didn't take enough off. That fear went away the next day at my appointment when the bandage was removed and i saw my new self for the first time....
After years of looking down and seeing nothing but the top of my large chest, i looked down and felt like there was no longer ANY chest, none at all. My new chest was so swollen and tight against my body that i honestly felt like i had NO breasts at all!! I cried, i began to feel i'd made a huge and awful mistake. Thus began a downward spiral no one told me would happen. Everytime i looked down at myself i cried, I felt like my husband would no longer find me attractive, i honestly felt i looked like a man. What I saw didn't resemble breasts at all, mutilated pieces of meat were my exact thoughts on the matter. How could so many people have gone thru this and come out thinking it was the best decision they'd ever made and not stopped to mention a period of mourning the loss of your previous identity?? That's totally how I felt, I'd always been "that girl with the big boobs," not that I found this flattering or anything, but it's just who I was, for as long as I could remember, I mean I had to start wearing a bra in 4th grade, despite being stick thin everywhere else, and by 8th grade i was a DD! I did not realize how much of my personally percieved identity was wrapped up in my overly large bust. I cried for several days, over everything, over nothing, I felt depressed for the first time in my life. I had never gone thru post pardum depression with any of my babies, but my husband said that it was like i was going thru post-parting depression with the loss of my breasts, while humorous it very accurately described how I felt. It's like shopper's remorse, you buy something at the store, even though it's more than you meant to spend, and when you get home you just decide it wasn't worth that price and you take it back....only I couldn't take it back. All those people couldn't takea moment to tell me I might feel like this???? Or to tell me they wouldn't even resemble breasts at first???? At this point I was worried I would feel like this forever and they would look like that forever.
And then a breakthru came....
About a week after surgery Adam and I took the opportunity to go shopping while the older kids were at school, we broght the little ones with us and went to the StoneRidge Mall in Pleasanton. I tried on bra's for the first time to get an idea of what size I was. The pain during this week had been easy to deal with, I only took pain meds on the day of surgery and after that If I hurt I laid down, because my pain was near gone when i laid down on my back....again, no one told me i wouldn't be able to lay on my side after surgery. So by this time a lot of swelling had gone down and my breasts were beginning to outwardly (thru clothing) take on a more normal shape. Upon trying on SEVERAL bra's I found that my new size was happilly a D, which was exactly what I'd wanted, I guess I just didn't realize how much smaller a D was in comparison to my previous size I. It was like an instant change, now realizing i had what I wanted, and generally feeling better because I was shopping which is the ultimate cure-all for me , i left that mall with a new found freedom. I no longer feel depressed and am quite happy with the results, and went in to my next appointment a whole different person that I'd been the week before.
My doctor said I looked to be feeling better and asked how I felt about the results.
"Well, I am happy with the results NOW, but I have to tell you, last week I was quite depressed about the whole thing, I didn't like how small they were and I didn't realize how much of my personal identity I had attatched to my large chest."
"Oh yeah," he says," I could tell even before your surgery you were going to have that problem."
EXCUSE ME???!!!!!!!!! He spent all of five minutes with me at each appointment, (2 total before surgery) and in that time he could tell this about me? Ok that is totally possible, but if it was true, why didn't he tell me???? SERIOUSLY!! I mean if you think i have the potential for depression after surgery, you don't think there's something you can do, but at least bringing up the topic during an appointment, letting me know i might feel this way, and what to do about it, or how long it could last...or for heaven's sake give me some reading literature on the topic!!! I was so infuriated by the non-challant attitude that it was just something I would have to deal with, and since I was better now why did it matter? You want to know why it matters, and why I'm telling everyone this?! Because during those days, I felt like the only person on the planet who'd had this surgery and was unhappy with it, during that time i felt so alone (which does not help when you're already depressed) because everyone else said "it was the best choice i ever made!"
Now it has been over two weeks since my surgery and honestly at this point I can say "it was the best choice I've ever made," as well, but if I were really telling someone who was considering this surgery, i would not forget to mention that it's a HUGE adjustment to change that drastically in a matter of hours, or what to me felt like the blink of an eye. It will take a serious period of getting used to the way you move and the way clothes fit and the way you look when all is said and done. And being confident in yourself when your a whole new self is a little hard to come by in the beginning. And that all of that....is OK, and normal. That's the main thing I wish someone would have told me, that feeling that way, is normal, and that it will pass.
I won't apologize for the bluntness of my blog on this subject, as you were forewarned and if you chose to read this far that's your own fault, but I would like to say that I hope more of us take the time to be honest, to be truly honest with our answers to all questions, because sometimes people ask those questions looking for the whole answer, not just the 'right' one.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Surgery....and other thoughts.
Tomorrow I'm finally having the breast reduction I have wanted for as long as I can remember. When I was in 8th grade I already wore a DD, maybe this is too personal to be telling people on the internet, but it is the truth. I had told the Husband Man way back when we first got married (10 years ago) that I was wanting to get this done someday. He was very supportive. Secretly I think he's ok with he because he knows I'll be able to buy less expensive bras. haha! Seriously, the bras I have to special order in size "I" cost a lot more than those in "normal" sizes which can be bought in stores ranging from Victoria's Secret all the way down to Wal Mart.
I'm nervous about the surgery for a few reasons. First of all, I hate not knowing how much i'm going to hurt afterward. People who have surgery because something is wrong are usually in more pain before then they are after. In my case it's hard to know that despite my abnormally large chest and the daily back and shoulder pain, I'm going to go from healthy/painless, to drugged and in pain. And of course the obvious other reason to be nervous about the surgery..."Will I like they way they look when it's done????" LOL, stupid I know, but seriously I'm worried about not liking my chest being smaller, I've had 31 years to be used to my larger chest, and overnight I'll have a whole new body to get used to. My dr said that the mass which was seen on the mammogram doesn't worry him in the least, it's an area that was going to get removed anyway and in his professional opinion it didn't "look" cancerous, because it was small and localized. So I'm going to take his calmness as a sign to not worry about that part.
It's funny though the mixed emotions I'm feeling. Part of me feels so accomplished because I have worked several months to lose enough weight to qualify for this, and it's great to reach your goal. But then there's a part of me that feels guilty for getting something like this done, like it's frivolous. I should feel less guilty about that considering my medical insurance doesn't deam it frivolous or they wouldn't pay. They look at the large size and know that means years ahead of back/shoulder pain and they'd rather pay for one surgery than years of pain meds and other additional related problems. Then of course that leads me to my next thought, does that mean they'll pay for a tummy tuck too? LOL I had three c-sections and recently lost a lot of weight, the amount of skin in my midsection is the only thing keeping me a size 12 instead of a 10 or less. But then maybe that's pushing frivolous to the limit. God gave me this body and it's up to me to do my best by it, and strangely when i think of it that way it feels like the tummy tuck is the better way to do that than the breast reduction haha, I mean the chest is the one he gave me, the belly is the one the dr's cutting the baby out of me gave me....Just the random thoughts of a soon to be normal sized woman.
I'm nervous about the surgery for a few reasons. First of all, I hate not knowing how much i'm going to hurt afterward. People who have surgery because something is wrong are usually in more pain before then they are after. In my case it's hard to know that despite my abnormally large chest and the daily back and shoulder pain, I'm going to go from healthy/painless, to drugged and in pain. And of course the obvious other reason to be nervous about the surgery..."Will I like they way they look when it's done????" LOL, stupid I know, but seriously I'm worried about not liking my chest being smaller, I've had 31 years to be used to my larger chest, and overnight I'll have a whole new body to get used to. My dr said that the mass which was seen on the mammogram doesn't worry him in the least, it's an area that was going to get removed anyway and in his professional opinion it didn't "look" cancerous, because it was small and localized. So I'm going to take his calmness as a sign to not worry about that part.
It's funny though the mixed emotions I'm feeling. Part of me feels so accomplished because I have worked several months to lose enough weight to qualify for this, and it's great to reach your goal. But then there's a part of me that feels guilty for getting something like this done, like it's frivolous. I should feel less guilty about that considering my medical insurance doesn't deam it frivolous or they wouldn't pay. They look at the large size and know that means years ahead of back/shoulder pain and they'd rather pay for one surgery than years of pain meds and other additional related problems. Then of course that leads me to my next thought, does that mean they'll pay for a tummy tuck too? LOL I had three c-sections and recently lost a lot of weight, the amount of skin in my midsection is the only thing keeping me a size 12 instead of a 10 or less. But then maybe that's pushing frivolous to the limit. God gave me this body and it's up to me to do my best by it, and strangely when i think of it that way it feels like the tummy tuck is the better way to do that than the breast reduction haha, I mean the chest is the one he gave me, the belly is the one the dr's cutting the baby out of me gave me....Just the random thoughts of a soon to be normal sized woman.
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