Yesterday i felt....well, hurt. I am tempted to say "betrayed" but i don't think that is accurate.

I had made plans with a friend to spend time together tuesday, it's not like we made plans to go somewhere, or to do something specific, just to hang out, and maybe for her that's no big deal because she can "hang out" anytime, with or without me. But for me, this meant time away from my kids to have adult time with my friend. I get adult time with my husband in the evening after the kids go to bed, but the only adult "friend" time i get is with my best friend and pretty much only on my husband's days off which are sunday, monday and tuesday. Nearing the end of his days off, I had called my friend Monday to see if she was available that evening. She was with her boyfriend so i asked about the next day, tuesday. She said other than a dental appointment in the morning that she would be available the whole rest of the day. She did mention during, during our conversation monday evening, that her boyfriend would be leaving for a week long out-of-town vacation with his buddy, but not until the weekend sometime. I knew that she would miss him, but figured that she had plenty of time to spend with him before the weekend, their schedules don't always mesh and i get that but the next day was only tuesday, and he was right there when she told me she was available, he usually speaks up and says something if he thinks there is a conflict. No comment from him meant plans made.

so tuesday.....
i took my older girls to the free movie on tuesday, since i knew the friend's dental appointment could take a while, I waited until around noon to first try to get a hold of her, she often sleeps in too. She didn't answer. So i took my cell phone with me as i went to get my hair colored FINALLY. I've only got four months worth of red growing out blonde...yikes! I thought for sure she'd call me back while i was at the salon.....nope. Now i must say this didn't get me terribly down because she can be bad about checkin her phone, so after a 4 hour hair color i was done and i text her on the way home. She mentions the dental appointment and waits until i ask when we can get together that she says, oh the boyfriend is there. Now i often hang out with her and her boyfriend and i considered that for a moment and then she says that this is the last day she'll have with him before he leaves saturday....not sure how that math works..... so maybe some other day or something. some other day? are you kidding? she knows my free days, my husband's days off are my free days, and since she doesn't seem fond of coming over when my kids are awake, that doesn't give me any time to go over to her house except on the husband's days off, and today is all that is left of it.

Now it used to be that sunday was the hang out day for us, because she was off, and it was one of the husband's days off, but the boyfriend has taken that day, which i understand, with conflicting schedules, this is the ONE day that they are both off, ok, i don't even bug about that anymore. But then monday, she gets off early monday, so i figure that usually gives us time....but every single monday it's boyfriend time instead. and now tuesday too? I lost one best friend this way, now it appears i'm losing another. I totally get that when you are serious about someone you are dating that you want to spend every second with them, i totally get that. I know i was like that while engaged to the husband man. However she is not engaged to this person, at least not that i know of, although considering how luke warm her friendship with me these days seems to be, i suppose they could be and i wouldn't even know it. Anyway, i'm trying to be understanding of where she is in life, i know we're doing totally different things, she works and is un married, i am married and stay home with three kids, i suppose that's about as opposite as it gets. I know i can't fully comprehend being where she is because it has been so long since i was there, but i don't think she even tries to understand what it's like for me. I look forward all week to a chance to hang out with my dearest friend. I spend all day every day surrounded by children, i love them, but i'm starving for a little me time. Our weekly game night used to help but she hasn't been coming to that because of her schedule so i'm the one reaching out trying to make other times to hang out.....and to it appears to me that she doesn't care.

I hate harboring bad feelings toward someone you love and not telling them, because they don't know unless you tell them. So i texted her, i didn't want to call because i didn't want to get overly upset and get into a fight or say something i didn't really mean. So i simply stated my feelings in a text. I told her i felt hurt, i felt that we had made plans and that it was very inconsiderate of her to just pretend that we didn't and devote the whole day to her boyfriend instead. Now i can think of several scenarios here, i mean i could understand hanging out with him until she and i were finally able to get together, then sending him home, they would have had some time together, and she and i would have. I mean i'm not asking her to dump her boyfriend, but this is now the second time in two days that she made it clear to me that her time with her boyfriend couldnt' include me. But i felt like tuesday was our time, our time to connect and talk about girl stuff that he doesn't need to be there for, and instead he took precidence over our plans. Now albeit she says he just showed up and i get that, but he was there when she told me over the phone that she would be available to hang out the next day, so when he showed up i would expect that he would have some respect of those plans. and at least he should have been able to say hey, when Vera comes over i'll head out, or at least ask when i was coming over, instead of now occupying the whole day and closing off my one day to spend time with my friend and get a break from my kids.

I suppose there are many ways to view this, and i know that from her view she probably doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. I'm sure to her it feels perfectly reasonable to want to spend lots of time with this person she cares deeply for. But i wish that she could picture what i do all day every day as work, work with stress and frustration, and see how it would feel to not ever get a day off to spend with someone. Now i know that i have the greatest man in the world for a husband and i love it when he and i get alone time, but there is something fundamentally different about getting alone time with a friend that isn't my husband. He already knows what's going on, sometimes it's fun to tell stories of everyday life to someone who doesn't already know them. I guess that's why i'm writing this as a blog. I mean this conversation i'm having with myself, that is now unfortunatly public view, is the kind of thing i love getting to chat with her about. This is the exact kind of thing she and i are great at, listening to each others problems and helping to solve them. Not that most of our problems ever really need "solving" but it's nice to hear that you're not insane and that someone else totally gets feeling hurt over something like this, and being there to say "i'd feel the same way if it were me." so instead because she's not here to say that, i'm left to say it to the null void of the internet, and to my own mind, i'm tired of losing friends to boyfriends, and sad to say it is often to boyfriends who don't last, and the last friend i lost to a boyfriend, she broke up with him and moved away. And i think we've begun to mend our friendship, but it's hard with such distance between us, i don't want to lose another friend to the black hole of boyfriend-dom. it seems like they suck you in the point that you don't spend anytime with anyone else, then if something does happen between them, there are no friends close enough to reach out to and tell.

Just as i know my friend can't read my mind unless i tell her how i feel, i hope that she knows i can't read hers either, and making excuses for why it was ok to spend that whole day with her boyfriend instead of even carving out a little time for me, i would like to know i'm still valued as her friend, because right now i really don't feel like it.


on the lighter side (literally) my hair looks great and i was really looking forward to showing her.