bed rest continues

I saw the dr on Christmas Eve, he was concerned about me being out of touch for Christmas and wanted to keep tabs on my blood pressure. The blood pressure was even higher at the appointment and he was very not happy about that. It seems at each point he tries to give me his most optimistic opinion of how far he thinks this pregnancy will go. In the beginning we were shooting for 35-36 weeks, which is fine, that's what the other babies i've had were born at, i know what to expect of a baby born at that gestational age, they do fine with just over a week in the NICU. Then his estimate went closer to 34 weeks. At this appointment, his optimistic opinion of the length of this pregnancy is 30-32 weeks, that's a little more scary when the dr is hoping to stretch it that far. Now i have to see the dr every week, and hope i don't end up in the hospital waiting for 30 weeks. He also said he's gonna give me the steroid at 28 weeks to help baby Catcher's lungs mature, as it is going to be some time around then that he's most likely going to have to be born before my body tries to shut down.

I'm trying to be okay with having a baby that early, knowing he's going to be in the NICU, and just hope he's going to be healthy eventually, but truthfully it's all really scary. a baby this early has chances of so much going wrong, most survive if born after 28 weeks, but it's going to be a long road and i'm just hoping i have the stamina to not fall apart during the whole experience. Trying to take care of three kids and recover from kidney stone surgery and the c-section, and having a baby to visit in the NICU which will most likely be in Stockton, it just feels like a lot, and i'm not even there yet. I'm trying to remember to breathe and just hope that all goes well until 28 weeks, a baby born before then has much lower chances of health, let alone survival, i'm trying really hard to keep my body together, but it's just so strange that my body is trying to shut down and fall apart just because i decided to have another baby.

Sometimes i wonder why i decided to have another baby, well not just i, it was Adam and i both who decided we wanted this. But this is now the third time i've put a baby at risk because my body didn't handle being pregnant, so far this is the worst yet as far as pregnancy goes, but there's just no way to predict how a pregnancy is going to turn out, and i wonder if i had known that it would have been like this, would i still have chosen to do it?? I don't know, i mean if i knew the future and knew that the pregnancy would be like this, maybe i would also know the outcome of the baby, and if he'll survive, or if he'll have permanent life-long problems from being so premature, would any of those things really make me not want him any less....i can't imagine anything that would make me not love this little guy and i haven't even met him yet. I live in fear of the future of his little life, and how much my body is putting him through. I know in the end it's all up to Heavenly Father, but i hate not knowing.

Aside from all of that, Christmas was pretty good. The kids loved everything they got, they got less than we normally would buy, but they were happy anyway and didn't even notice the smaller amount. they got the things they asked Santa for, and that's what they were looking forward to. Several times i heard the kids say " i got exactly what i wanted!!" It was good to hear. I suppose that balances it all out.