Meeting the mother of your children.....

We'd had this day once before, but it was over 3 years ago. But somehow I was still nervous. As Adam and I dressed for court this morning, I debated over what to wear, I'm sure my husband wondered why it was even that important, he had one nice suit, so that's what he wore. I've lost weight and I wanted to wear something that looked nice and fit right, but there was something more. This was what SHE would remember of me. Although I'll never forget seeing HER in shackles and an orange jumpsuit 3 years ago, I just felt like I wanted to look nice to show her I was a nice person....I don't know why her opinion matters...but somehow it does.

Babysitters and rides were arranged and as we left the house it almost felt like we were leaving on a really fancy date. We were dressed in our Sunday best and my husband even opened the car door for me....this was no ordinary 'date'....it was a court date. We drove to Merced in the early morning light, enjoying our moment of quiet time to talk in the car. The paper said 8:15, although court can start anytime after that. So we arrived around 8am, and waited....and waited. Our social worker came, "They'll be terminating their parental rights today, and as long as your homestudy is completed (which it is) then your adoption can be complete in as soon as 75 days." Wow, just like that she could be ours by May. This was all so much faster than Maggie's was and I was glad of that. I brought pictures of Maggie and Darla and a letter for the social worker to give to the Birth Mom. I kept worrying that she didn't know how much we loved these girls, and that maybe if she knew it might make her feel better.

Finally we were called into the court room for the case. This was the same court room we entered for Maggie's final adoption hearing 3 years ago, it was familiar and yet scary all at the same time. The social worker took her seat at a desk beyond the half wall that divided audience from staff. There was not a person in the room aside from staff so we had the entire audience area to choose from as a seat. Being the nerd I am I picked a front row seat behind the desk the social worker was at. Adam pointed out that as a cop he always sits in the last row, but since no one else was there, this was ok too :)

The door directly to our left opened and an armed guard led in the birth mom, orange jumpsuit and shackles, I had an instant flashback of that day 3 years ago. It was in a different court room, but she looked almost exactly as I'd remembered, although her hair was braided nicer today. On that day 3 years ago we sat in an audience full of social workers there for other cases and we didnt' stand out, I wondered at that time if she'd even seen me, I stared at her the whole time hoping for a moment of eye contact, I just knew if i could connect with her she would see my love for Maggie and be ok with this....as I recall I never had that moment. What I remember most was that the birth father at that hearing had stated he was wanting to get Maggie back up on his release from jail. That scared me to pieces. And I had visions of that same fear happening this time. Although nothing ever came of his "hopes" the fear that someone could take her away from us was frightening for quite some time before her adoption was complete.....would today end the same? In fear?

The birth mom shuffled in, looking almost exactly like our Maggie (except taller), feet and hands shackled, the guard directed her to a chair that happened to be directly in front of me...and I mean DIRECTLY, i could have reached out and touched her without leaving my seat. For a moment I tensed, maybe this isn't where we should sit, I whispered to Adam, but then moving would feel just as awkward, so we sat, hands held tight in complete silence. Only a half wall seperated this person, this woman, from me, a woman, a person, a mother to her children. How must that make her feel. I felt so tense and scared I was caught off guard when her lawyer sat down next to her (directly in front of Adam) and they started talking, hushed tones, but clearly meant for us to hear.

"Now you know we're here because they're going to terminate your parental rights, and there really isn't much we can do about that....do you have anything else to say?" The lawyer seemed so matter of fact, as if to say, 'you're screwed lady but if you have any final words say em now.'

She scooted forward in her seat and turned to look at me, "I know them," she started, which caught me off guard because I didn't even think she'd seen me in that court room 3 years ago,"They let my momma see the baby, she said they love her very much." We had let Darla have a visit with the grandmother a few months ago but I had no clue what she may have said to her daughter about us, I remembered worrying about that so much at the time, but had nearly forgotten it until now. "I got to see pictures of the baby," at this point it became more apparent that she wasn't saying "my baby" but rather "THE baby." "She's with her sister, they look happy." She turned to smile at me again, and when she did the lawyer handed her the pictures and letter i had brought for her, "Oh yeah these are for you, pictures and stuff."

I watched her eyes look down at these pictures, these pictures I took with my camera, these pictures where I'd smiled at them to get them to smile at the camera, these pictures that were a piece of our family, and she turned back with a smile. I have never wanted to hug a person more in my life. It was almost painful not to stand up and hug her, an ache that only got worse when she turned back to her lawyer and said "I want them to have her," nodding her head towards me, "they love her and she is happy there." A tear formed in my eye and Adam's eyes as well, it streamed silently down my face when she said "If I ever want to be the person they would like to know someday, I've gotta fix myself." I held Adam's hand so hard, because it was all i could do to keep my hand from reaching out to her.

The judge started to speak about the termination of rights and her lawyer made his statement that she was submitting to the court's request and was happy with the placement. During this brief time the mother leaned towards the birth father and said "what are you gonna say today?" I didn't hear what his response was as he was further away, and from her reaction I can only guess it was going to be the same claim he'd previously made which was to say "When I'm outta jail I want my kid back." Because she leaned as far as she could without leaving her seat and loudly whispered, "DON'T do it!! Just let her be, she's happy there, they're good people, I WANT her there!" The judge and her lawyer had by this point finished their comments and the judge turned to the birth father's lawyer for his client's statment on the case, just as he was about to speak, the father beckoned him to talk for a moment, that moment was the longest 'moment' of my life. They conversed for what felt like an hour (in actuality probably only five minutes, but in a silent courtroom it may as well have been an eternity) Then the lawyer stood back up and said, "My client, while unhappy with this situation has decided to agree to submit to the courts request to terminate rights."

She had done that, for us, for Darla, for love. She had convinced him to let it go. She turned and smiled at me after the attorney's comments with another big smile. Everytime she smiled at me I felt my soul fill my eyes with every word of love I could possibly convey through a look and a smile. I don't know that I could ever have said them out loud even if I were given the chance. In a few moments their rights were terminated, we were all dismissed and everyone stood to leave. She mouthed the words "good bye" to me I stood not wanting to leave her, feeling like I hadn't told her anything and yet everything I could have, I put my hand on the half wall and said "good bye" she placed her hand on the half wall a few inches from mine, the closest we possibly could have been given the situation, but in that moment it was like our spirits connected, mother to mother, we understood each other. Then we had to turn and walk away.

When Maggie was placed with us more than 5 years ago, all we were told about the birth mother was (in no kind terms) "She's a crack whore." These are words I would never ever use myself, but it created an image in my head of a screwed up person who couldn't love anyone but herself and her drugs even if she wanted to. Maggie was better off with us, and I held onto that image for many years. I never told Maggie anything negative about her mother, I kept it as honest as possible by simply saying (when she was old enough to understand more about adoption) that this was a person who couldn't take care of her, and so we did. But today.....today has given me the picture to forever hold in my mind of a woman who loved her children so much she was willing to give them to us to hold for her, because she knew she couldn't. A woman who understood selfless love in a way I could never imagine. And when we came home today, and I saw little Maggie, looking exactly like her birth mom, looking exactly like the face of a woman I have come to love and care for deeply, I could only hug her as hard as I would have her birth mom. And hope that one day, she'll get to hear what a great woman she is. And when I rocked Darla to sleep for a nap, I whispered to her about meeting this wonderful person, who loved her more than she'll ever know.

What a journey this has been, loving these extra children who've been added to our family, and loving the person who added them to this world. This day will live in my heart forever.....and possibly in the pages of a book describing the selfless love of a mother.....I'm going to start writing it tonight.