The things they don't tell you....

****Warning, this blog is about my breast reduction surgery, NO it IS NOT graphic in nature at all, but you should know the topic incase you're uncomfortable with it, this is my life and these are the things I'm going thru and here's what I have to say about it*****

Why is it I keep coming across times in my life where I suddenly realize, there is a LOT "they" never told me about this. For example I remember when i graduated from high school, i did NOT know my diploma wouldn't be in the nifty little diploma holder they gave me when i crossed the stage, why didn't anybody tell me that before? And when I got married, why didn't anyone tell me that despite looking like a princess all day, i was so uncomfortable in my dress and veil and super-armored underwear that i spent the whole day looking forward to ripping it off and never wearing it again (my husband probably did too but for slightly different reasons). Seriously, the whole time i was getting ready for my wedding, nobody bothered to mention that? And when i got pregnant and did the math and realized pregnancy is more like 10 months...not 9, 40 weeks, that's 10 months, not 9. All the women out there having children and not one could spare the time to prepare me for that one? (my babies were all born early anyway so why should i complain eh?!) But the point of this whole thing is the amount of information NO ONE told me before having a breast reduction. SOOOOO if you're thinking at all of ever having it done, or know someone who might, or even someone who might consider any kind of radical alteration to their appearance, then read on my friends....read on. (if not feel free to stop reading here :)

My doctor never saw me for more than five minutes at each of my pre-surgery appointments, told me what the surgery entailed, asked if i was serious and ready, and that was it. I read all the information made available to me by Kaiser, which consisted of a pre-surgery (generic to most kinds of surgery) information sheet of what not to wear on surgery day and so on, as well as post-op care information (again rather general to all surgery) how to change a dressing, and take meds and relax. That was literally ALL that was made available to me. Now on Facebook i had taken every opportunity to update about my surgery, and all along the way I had several people privately message me to say that they'd had the surgery or known someone else who had and that (and I quote from EVERY person who messaged me about it) "it was the best thing I ever did!!!" So at this point i was excited, people with experience were that happy with it, than i would be too...right?!

On the day of the surgery i found myself worrying i wouldn't like the results, what if they made me feel fatter because as a comparison the rest of my body didn't appear so small now that there weren't two giant bolders on my chest to compare them to? and religiously, was it right to be changing the body God gave me? It all began to hit me that morning, and i began to almost look for reasons not to go thru with it. I actually am not terribly afraid of surgery, i've had several in the past, knee surgeries, tonsils out and of course the three c-sections, so it wasn't really the surgery i was worried about, just the results of it. Again all i got from people were confirmation that i would be so glad when it was done, and even when i prayed i had a sense of peace so i knew it was the right thing to do....so i had went ahead with the breast reduction surgery.

As with all surgeries, my part was easy, i went to sleep and in the blink of an eye woke up and it was done. It's somewhat disconcerting to wake up in what felt like a second and realize HOURS have passed, and my whole body was altered. I had a HUGE bandage on so i really didn't feel much smaller at that point, which of course made me worry that they didn't take enough off. That fear went away the next day at my appointment when the bandage was removed and i saw my new self for the first time....

After years of looking down and seeing nothing but the top of my large chest, i looked down and felt like there was no longer ANY chest, none at all. My new chest was so swollen and tight against my body that i honestly felt like i had NO breasts at all!! I cried, i began to feel i'd made a huge and awful mistake. Thus began a downward spiral no one told me would happen. Everytime i looked down at myself i cried, I felt like my husband would no longer find me attractive, i honestly felt i looked like a man. What I saw didn't resemble breasts at all, mutilated pieces of meat were my exact thoughts on the matter. How could so many people have gone thru this and come out thinking it was the best decision they'd ever made and not stopped to mention a period of mourning the loss of your previous identity?? That's totally how I felt, I'd always been "that girl with the big boobs," not that I found this flattering or anything, but it's just who I was, for as long as I could remember, I mean I had to start wearing a bra in 4th grade, despite being stick thin everywhere else, and by 8th grade i was a DD! I did not realize how much of my personally percieved identity was wrapped up in my overly large bust. I cried for several days, over everything, over nothing, I felt depressed for the first time in my life. I had never gone thru post pardum depression with any of my babies, but my husband said that it was like i was going thru post-parting depression with the loss of my breasts, while humorous it very accurately described how I felt. It's like shopper's remorse, you buy something at the store, even though it's more than you meant to spend, and when you get home you just decide it wasn't worth that price and you take it back....only I couldn't take it back. All those people couldn't takea moment to tell me I might feel like this???? Or to tell me they wouldn't even resemble breasts at first???? At this point I was worried I would feel like this forever and they would look like that forever.

And then a breakthru came....

About a week after surgery Adam and I took the opportunity to go shopping while the older kids were at school, we broght the little ones with us and went to the StoneRidge Mall in Pleasanton. I tried on bra's for the first time to get an idea of what size I was. The pain during this week had been easy to deal with, I only took pain meds on the day of surgery and after that If I hurt I laid down, because my pain was near gone when i laid down on my back....again, no one told me i wouldn't be able to lay on my side after surgery. So by this time a lot of swelling had gone down and my breasts were beginning to outwardly (thru clothing) take on a more normal shape. Upon trying on SEVERAL bra's I found that my new size was happilly a D, which was exactly what I'd wanted, I guess I just didn't realize how much smaller a D was in comparison to my previous size I. It was like an instant change, now realizing i had what I wanted, and generally feeling better because I was shopping which is the ultimate cure-all for me , i left that mall with a new found freedom. I no longer feel depressed and am quite happy with the results, and went in to my next appointment a whole different person that I'd been the week before.

My doctor said I looked to be feeling better and asked how I felt about the results.

"Well, I am happy with the results NOW, but I have to tell you, last week I was quite depressed about the whole thing, I didn't like how small they were and I didn't realize how much of my personal identity I had attatched to my large chest."

"Oh yeah," he says," I could tell even before your surgery you were going to have that problem."

EXCUSE ME???!!!!!!!!! He spent all of five minutes with me at each appointment, (2 total before surgery) and in that time he could tell this about me? Ok that is totally possible, but if it was true, why didn't he tell me???? SERIOUSLY!! I mean if you think i have the potential for depression after surgery, you don't think there's something you can do, but at least bringing up the topic during an appointment, letting me know i might feel this way, and what to do about it, or how long it could last...or for heaven's sake give me some reading literature on the topic!!! I was so infuriated by the non-challant attitude that it was just something I would have to deal with, and since I was better now why did it matter? You want to know why it matters, and why I'm telling everyone this?! Because during those days, I felt like the only person on the planet who'd had this surgery and was unhappy with it, during that time i felt so alone (which does not help when you're already depressed) because everyone else said "it was the best choice i ever made!"

Now it has been over two weeks since my surgery and honestly at this point I can say "it was the best choice I've ever made," as well, but if I were really telling someone who was considering this surgery, i would not forget to mention that it's a HUGE adjustment to change that drastically in a matter of hours, or what to me felt like the blink of an eye. It will take a serious period of getting used to the way you move and the way clothes fit and the way you look when all is said and done. And being confident in yourself when your a whole new self is a little hard to come by in the beginning. And that all of that....is OK, and normal. That's the main thing I wish someone would have told me, that feeling that way, is normal, and that it will pass.

I won't apologize for the bluntness of my blog on this subject, as you were forewarned and if you chose to read this far that's your own fault, but I would like to say that I hope more of us take the time to be honest, to be truly honest with our answers to all questions, because sometimes people ask those questions looking for the whole answer, not just the 'right' one.