mastering myself

The day started out with a bang. Two large amounts of money deposited last night in our account. Adam's monthly paycheck, and our federal return. It's depressing to look at $10,000 and know you can't spend it :( This is one of those times when i normally would have looked at that and went shopping like a mad woman. However we already talked about what the money was going toward. The refund was to pay off credit card debt and the regular paycheck was to of course pay regular bills and then with any left over to pay off the last of the credit cards. We are not officially debt free (besides the car and house of course) but it feels great to know how close we are. But today was a day when i would normally have loved to do a little shopping therapy. I don't know why but i was having a tough day, partly because much to my dismay i realized i was already becoming addicted to my daily caffeinated soda, i said i wouldn't, but i was, so it makes getting up in the morning very hard when I was up late the night before because i was so caffeinated. I gave it up when i was nursing Katie, I always said i needed to give it up anyway, and i thought i was giving it up for the right reasons, but now i realize when it's only been a week and a half since i stopped nursing, that i really only gave it up for Katie, not for me. Because almost every day i've had one if not two caffeinated sodas. This is a problem for me. Caffeine seriously effects me, it gives me a charge and i must say i like it. But it also has a bit of control over me, making me think about it and think about wanting it, it gets in the way of other things. I thought i was just having one once in a while since i wasn't nursing anymore, but it's become more than that already. So i find myself trying to stop that right now, as well as trying to stop my spending habit, it's hard to stop more than one at once, but if i stop the caffeinated soda thing it will help me spend less anyway, soda costs mulah! Well to be honest i'll probably still drink soda, just caffeine-free, but i'll buy it for home instead of buying expensive fountain drinks when i want a soda. So that made today a little difficult, realizing that about myself. I had a short temper today for no reason really, it's hard to be moody and upset when there are little kids around, they don't understand my mood swings, and neither do i sometimes. So I was trying to gain some composure and failing miserably. It didn't help that i was going to have to take all the kids to Lainey's ballet class today, normally my mom helps out by watching Maggie and Kate, but she is sick today and couldn't, it stresses me out to think of the other two running around in the waiting area while i'm trying to watch Lainey dance. I have to say though that somehow ballet class turned around my whole day. Lainey was wonderful in class, and surprisingly both the other two were just fine, not getting into much of any trouble at all. And i was able to arrange with the dance studio to have a professional ballerina come and perform a short show and Lainey and Katie's birthday party, it's a surprise so don't tell! But she is going to love it!! After getting that worked out it seemed to brighten the rest of the day. On top of it all today i'm trying to let Katie learn to cry to sleep on her own instead of cuddling her and fighting her for half an hour or more sometimes just to get her to sleep. Nursing was always the best and practically only way to get her to sleep but i've discovered that while she enjoys regular milk just fine, a bottle of it just isn't the same comfort that nursing was. She still fights me after a bottle about going to sleep. She's a year old, or will be in a matter of days, i decided to give up the bottle (she's only had it for a week and a half anyway) and just let her cry to sleep, she can have a cup of milk after a nap. She drinks out of a cup like a pro already so i figured it won't be a problem. Surprisingly both naps today went wonderfully, cried for about five minutes then fast asleep, we'll see how bedtime goes, but naps went great. Life is a constant battle to improve on myself and my abilities day to day. Today we've mastered naps, tomorrow...well we'll wait and see how tomorrow goes :)